There's A GIRL At St Bartleby's!:
by the.brown.eyed.girl
Summary: Kris Smith's life is turned upside down when her oblivious parents ship her overseas to attend St. Bartleby's School for Boys. Can she hold her own in a school full of boys? Or, more importantly, against a certain Artemis Fowl the Second. SEQUEL IS UP!
1. Not What I Expected Kris

**Chapter One: Not What I Expected**

**Disclaimer: I own Artemis Fowl just about as much as I own my own island. Which is not at all.

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I stared down the paper resting on my train table, satisfied with the results I saw. It was the first of what was bound to many letters back home. Stroking the paper softly, I sighed just loud enough for the person in the chair next to me to crack open a sleepy eye and give me a hostile glare. Embarrassed, I diverted my gaze and picked up the letter, reading it over carefully.

_Dear Mommy, _the first line read. This sounded good, best to make my mother think I missed her already. She eats that kind of stuff up.

_The plane ride's going just fine. I know you're scared that your little girl is somehow going to be mortally injured on the 13- hour flight to the Golden Isle, so I am here to assure you that as of right now, no one has attempted to highjack the plane. Although, if you ask me, they would wait until we were well over the ocean, just to make sure no one would catch them in the act. Don't worry Mommy, I'm just joking. The flight attendant you assigned to watch over me has been doing an excellent job. So excellent, in fact, that I still have 5 hours left and already I am plotting various ways to get him off my back. Perhaps if I pretended to go to sleep this Eric person would just take the hint._

_To take care of your other worry, that I will starve before I even land, it's just as silly as someone high jacking our plane. (Don't look now, but I think the snoring woman three aisles down might be up to something) My over-willing guardian of the air has already proceeded to give me what I have deemed to be over half of their packaged peanuts. (However, he did give me the whole can of ginger ale and not just a measly cup.) Besides, their on-flight meals looked extremely appetizing. Combined with the snacks you packed for me, I think I just might gain three or four pounds._

_Stop worrying about me Mommy. I'm just half way across the world._

_Send my love to everyone,_

_Kris_

_Ps. this was all your idea anyway._

After I had made sure I had left nothing out, I quietly folded the letter and slid it gently into my overstuffed messenger bag. I hoped to high heavens that this place had closets big enough for all the crap I had packed. Stifling a giggle, I closed my eyes and snuggled under the airline blanket that Eric had brought me earlier. Once it wasn't occupied, my mind wandered back to the conversation that had started this whole ordeal.

"Honey," my mother had said during dinner one night. She had been halfway through feeding Noah at the time, so I thought she was talking to the toddler and not me.

I went back to picking at my mashed potatoes idly, watching Hope wolf down hers at supersonic speed. In the silence that followed both of my parents stared at me expectantly. It was only then that I realized they were talking to me. Quickly, my head jerked up and my elbows flew off the table. "Where's the fire?" I asked, whipping my head back and forth.

My father, a tall balding man, laughed loudly at this. His periwinkle eyes glittered as he said, "Krissy sweetheart, your mother and I have something to tell you."

Under normal circumstances, this wouldn't be something that would cause suspicion to creep into the back of my mind. However, whenever my parents chose to announce something over the dinner table, when everyone in the family was present, it tended to be something a bit more on the drastic side.

My fork slid out of my hand and clattered to my plate as I stared at them warily. "Mom's not pregnant again, is she?"

Once again, my father let out a booming laugh. Even my mother chuckled a little, although she was still preoccupied with the squalling Noah.

"No honey, I'm not pregnant."

I puckered my lips slightly, furrowing my brow as I tried again. "Did Pookie die?" Pookie was our family's old and incredibly loveable St. Bernard. Next to me, eight-year-old Hope dropped her own fork with a gasp.

My father shook his head. "No sweetie, Pookie is just fine."

With a relieved sigh, Hope picked her fork back up and continued to eat. Her little blonde head tilted in my direction was the only sign she was still listening in to the conversation.

"Darling," my petite mother said as she finished feeding my baby brother and turned towards me with a smile. "Your father and I have some exciting news for you!"

Oh right, because that made me feel tons better. My parents' definition of 'exciting news' is having me babysitting Noah and Hope for the weekend. Well, I guess I should start cancelling all my plans. Gloom had just descended upon me when my father said, quite cheerfully and cutting straight to the chase, "Krissy, as of next month, you will be attending St. Bartleby's School in Ireland!"

My face froze in a mask of horror mixed with surprise.

_Clang!_

With a loud bang, Hope announced to the table she was finished by dropping her plate, still laden with meat and green beans, to the floor. There was a short moment of complete silence before Noah began to wail.

At some point during my memory, I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew, Eric was shaking me awake. Was the flight over already? I thought to myself as I stretched, yawning widely. After taking a few seconds to work the kinks out of my back, I stood up, gazing around me. The plane was already half empty, and Eric was saying something that I really didn't want to listen to.

"Welcome to Dublin everyone," the captain was saying over plane's speaker system. "I hope you had a safe and comfortable flight."

Dublin, I was here at last! Completely ignoring Eric I gathered up my messenger bag and headed out towards the baggage claim. It was going to be my first time doing this without Noah's helpful cries of "Bag, bag!" thinking back on it, I almost missed the little guy. However, that was just almost.

After spending several minutes running around the baggage claim looking for my luggage, I emerged victorious and looking more than a little worn out. Mom had said that someone would be waiting at the airport to pick me up and take me to the school. She said they would have some sort of sign, and that's what I was searching for right now. Scanning the crowd gathered nearest the exit, I looked for somebody, anybody, with a sign.

There they were, standing right next to the door. A tall young man with curly black hair and the most curious hazel eyes was standing next to a man old enough to be my grandpa who seemed to radiate authority. The young man was holding up a sign that read: "Kris Smith, we welcome you to St. Bartleby's!"

Relieved, I made my way towards them at once. It took me awhile, as I was still dragging three bags of luggage and my messenger bag around, but I got there.

"Hello!" I said, trying to sound as cheerful and witty as possible. It was hard, as I could already feel the jet lag catching up with my systems.

"Er, hello." The young man said hesitantly. Up close, I could tell that he looked more like a teenager than a grown up and that he was just incredibly tall for his age. He seemed to wondering why I was talking to him. "If you could please stand aside, we're waiting for someone."

"I know, but the wait is over, because I'm here." This was getting annoying; didn't mom tell me they would be waiting for me?

"You're Kris Smith?" he asked incredulously as he set down the sign and began riffling through his pockets for something. "I think we have a misunderstanding."

This wasn't good. I was starting to panic. Had I somehow gotten the wrong sign? Looking around, I decided I hadn't. There was no one else with a sign near-by. Then these people were my ride, they were just confused.

"Yes," I said carefully. "That would be me. My name's Kristina Smith and my parents sent me here to attend St. Bartleby's."

The old man let out a deep sigh. "Well, this is a bit of mess."

No really. Here I am, fresh off a thirteen-hour cross-continental flight and two obviously confused men are attempting to tell me that I am not really Kris Smith. If you ask me, 'a bit of mess' would be the understatement of the century. I stared at the old man expectantly. He had better explain what was going on here, because I was clueless and on the verge of being very hacked off.

"Ms. Smith," he began his voice low and gravelly. "I am Head Master O'Connor of St. Bartleby's School and this fine young gentleman here is my son and your future roommate, Raleigh O'Connor. We were sent here by your parents to pick up our newest, and first, American exchange student. They sent us this picture to identify you by."

The 'fine young gentleman', who I now knew as Raleigh, held out a picture for me to see. It was one of me, except several years old. For in this picture, my thick, curly, almost untamable chocolate brown hair had been cut short so it reached my ears. Wincing, I remembered that haircut. That year, one of the boys in my grade had stuck a large wad of gum in my hair and we'd had to cut it to get it out. Yet that wasn't the only difference. The Kristina in this picture had glasses. Of course, I had only been lucky enough to get rid of those last year. My grey eyes were covered with contacts instead. Narrowing my eyes in confusion, I let out a small sigh. Why had my parents sent them this picture, when they of all people should know how much I had changed?

"Did your parents ever tell you that St. Bartleby's is an all-boy's school?" Raleigh asked me, the most peculiar look in his eyes.

My face froze and I dropped the luggage I had been carrying. "No," I said slowly, trying very hard to calm myself down. "No I think they failed to mention that."


	2. Reluctant Roommate Raleigh

**Chapter Two: Reluctant Roommate**

**Disclaimer: Artemis isn't even in this chapter. I own nothing.

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"_May the Lord keep you in His hand_

_And never close His fist too tight"_

**-**Irish Blessing

This wasn't fair. There was no way in hell that this was fair! Resentment swirled through the crevices of my mind. I knew it wasn't her fault, and that she was just as surprised as I am right now, but surely…

"So," a bright, cheerful voice interrupted my dark thoughts. "Can I call you Fine Young Gentlemen now? Or you would prefer Raleigh?"

I take that back, maybe she wasn't as surprised as I was right now. Turning my head, I sent her a scowl. We were in the back of Father's Bentley right now, on our way back to the school. The look on Kris's face when she had seen the Bentley had been quite entertaining; I had to remind myself that I couldn't tease her until Father wasn't present. These days he was quite in to the idea of chivalry and insisted that if I ever met a girl I was to treat her with the utmost civility. Please, as if I was really going to keep up that practice when he wasn't glaring over my shoulder.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping or something?" I asked, my eyes still narrowed distastefully. It wasn't the girl herself that had me so annoyed, really, the girl was fine. It was the fact that all the dreams I had built up over the summer had been destroyed. Along with the fact that Father was undoubtedly going to assign me to be her babysitter, and I really had better things to do than follow a girl around all year.

Smiling brightly, Kris replied, "Oh trust me, right now I could be counted as one of the living dead, but that's not the point, Fine Young Gentleman."

If I hadn't been in such a foul mood, I would have laughed. "Don't call me that," I said curtly.

Unwilling to give up, Kris tried again. "FYG? Or how about…Freakishly Tall Boy?" Kris furrowed her eyebrows and frowned slightly, apparently putting a lot of thought into these ridiculous nicknames of hers. Still faithfully devoted to her cause, she continued, obviously unaware of my ever deepening discontent. Where did she come up with these sorts of things anyway? It was like there was a special part of her brain that was just used for making up utter nonsense. Although I have to admit that as long as she wasn't another Artemis Fowl, I didn't quite care.

"Romeo? No, you don't really seem like the romantic type." She said, correcting herself as she stared at me thoughtfully. Her grey eyes were so intense I had to look away. "You could pull off being Hercules, how about Wonder Boy?"

The look on my face must have darkened even further, because she gave a hopeful, "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Teased?"

That got me. A smile twitched across my lips as I tried, and failed, to contain my laughter. "Raleigh, just Raleigh." I finally managed once the laughter subsided.

Once again, Kris smiled at me. It was the type of smile that seemed to radiate acceptance, as if she too knew that neither of us had control of this situation. "Well, it's nice to meet you, Just Raleigh."

The next morning my father called me into his office. The meeting was exactly what I had expected I would be. He had called me there, of course, to talk of 'urgent matters'. Honestly, he could have just told me that he wanted to talk to me about Kris; it's not as if I didn't already know. As for my friends, they were definitely bound to see her sooner than later. Sometimes I think the old man just likes his privacy a little too much.

"Raleigh," my father began, staring at me with quizzical dark eyes. "I assume you already know what you are called for?" Usually he only said that when someone had gone off and done something daft. Suddenly apprehensive, I shifted nervously in my chair.

"Yes Fa-I mean, yes Headmaster." For some reason, I felt as if now wasn't the best time to address him as my father. Maybe I had been all wrong about these summons and I really had done something wrong. Thinking back, I couldn't remember doing anything too bad recently. Apart, of course, from blowing up that toilet with Jacob; but it had been out of order anyway and I seriously doubt any one would miss it. Despite this, guilt nagged on the corners and edges of my mind.

"My dear son!" father exclaimed, leaning forward with something that looked a whole lot like amusement twinkling in his eyes. "You're not in trouble! If I do recall, that toilet incident has been completely taken care of." Well that sure was a weight of my chest. I just hoped Jacob didn't get it too bad, because apparently I hadn't. "No, Raleigh, we need to talk about young Miss Smith." his expression became serious once more as he leaned back in his chair and took the position I had associated with his line of work. "There have been many questions raised about whether or not it is…proper to let the two of stay together."

Instinctively, I panicked. They couldn't do this to me, not the first year I've ever had a roommate! Usually Father insisted I stay in a separate suite not too far off from my classmates' dormitories. It had been nice, at first, and my friends certainly enjoyed the space, but I couldn't stop thinking that I was missing a large portion of my experience at a boarding school. When I had pointed it out to my father, and mentioned that they don't call them '_boarding_ schools' for nothing, he had considered the idea. After a whole year of so called considering, he had finally agreed. This year I was to have a dorm room, and roommate to go with. Now, the school board was going to take this all away from me, just because Kris Smith happened to be a girl.

"Please Father," I begged, completely desperate. My dreams of gaining a foreign friend who would spend hours playing video games and sports with me might have been squashed, but it would over my dead body that they took away my roommate completely. "You know me. I wouldn't hurt Kris; I'm not that kind of person. Besides, she'll need someone to show her the ropes, right? Someone who already knows the school? Someone who practically grew up here?" Even I couldn't believe what I was saying. Not too long ago I was resenting the very idea of showing Kris around the school. Now, I was volunteering to be her personal lackey. All of this to have the proper boarding school experience.

My father sighed, puckering his lips for only a moment. "Yes," he said finally, his voice resigned and almost hesitant. "All that is true. The girl would need a guide…"

"I know this place like the back of my hand. Besides, Jacob would help me, and Finnegan."

"Oh dear," Father said slightly, humorous once more. "Now I'm scared. That poor girl, under such influences."

"Father!" I exclaimed, not nearly as shocked as I pretended to be. Jacob and Finn weren't that bad. They were just…mischievous.

"Alright, alright," he chuckled, waving a large hand in my direction. "She's all yours my boy. You've got yourself a roommate."

"Thank you Father, you won't regret it!" was my enthusiastic reply.

I was only in the dining hall, and all ready I was regretting it. What was I thinking, agreeing, no offering, to be her guide like that? There were things about this school that a boy simply wouldn't know. Or, to put it more precisely, wouldn't want to know. Shaking my head, I moved through the cafeteria line. Picking up food for myself, I only haphazardly remembered that Kris would probably want to eat too. Biting my lip slightly, I picked out food that I thought she would like. Americans only seemed to like things that would kill their arteries, so I chose a cinnamon bun, some chocolate milk, and box of Frosted Flakes. Just to make myself feel healthy on her behalf, I grabbed an apple as well. 'Kris better be hungry.' I thought to myself, staring down at my now laden tray. 'Cause I look like a pig, getting all this.'

Setting my tray down at my usual table with a sigh, I picked at my own food, preoccupied. So caught up was I in my thoughts that I barely noticed Jacob slam his tray energetically down next to my own. In fact, I only noticed him when he pinched the back of my neck, apparently annoyed.

"Wotcher Raleigh!" he exclaimed, aggravated. "I've only been trying to get your attention for the past five minutes!"

Startled, I looked up at my friend. Jacob was a small boy for his age, standing only around 4'5''. He was lean and muscular, and played as much football as psychically possible. There was had been a poll going around school for a while, on based off looks, who you wished you could date if you happened to be gay. Jacob won, although Artemis Fowl was a close second. My best mate had deep brown hair that was about as straight as a curveball and tended to stick out in random places. His eyes were brown as well, although a shade lighter, and always gave off the impression that something hilarious was about to happen.

"Sorry Jacob." I said, and I honestly was. Ignoring Jacob was hard to do, and he wasn't my best mate for nothing. "I've got a lot on my mind right now, is all."

"Oh please," Jake said, rolling his eyes and laughing. "What could the great Raleigh O'Connor be worrying about? Surely you're not having roommate troubles again."

"Oh very funny Jacob." I said sarcastically, flicking some eggs at his face. "Very funny indeed. I hate to tell you that you're right."

A look of mingled shock crossed Jacob's face as he brushed the egg out his hair. "I'm right?" he asked, before a look of happy anticipation crossed his face. "Oh! Oh so he's here then! What were you waiting for anyway? Weren't you going to tell me?"

I had opened my mouth to tell him that it really wasn't as simple as he thought it was, when Jacob spotted the extra food.

If possible, his excitement grew. "That food's fer him then? I suppose he would be pretty tired. Were you going to bring it up to him? Never mind, I'll do it. Damn I can't wait to meet him, I can't believe you didn't mention it earlier!" Jacob picked up the tray, and began to leave the cafeteria. A sense of dread growing in the pit of my stomach, I leaped up and followed him quickly in the direction of my dorm.

After several fruitless attempts to get Jacob to stop and listen to me, we had reached my dorm. This was it, the moment of truth. Jacob was either going to take this very badly, or very, very well. My friend, naively unaware of what waited on the other side of the door, was still chatting away happily, as he reached for the handle.

"You think he's brought an X-Box? I hear they're really common in the States. This is going to be excellent Raleigh I'm telling ya, the four of us, of course I'm counting Finn, are going to be the finest blokes that this school has ever-" he opened the door to reveal an equally stunned, and fully awake Kris. The plate of food he had been holding slipped to the ground with a crash.

"Raleigh?" Jacob said weakly, staring at her with surprise.

"Yeah Jacob?" I managed, honestly just thankful that Kris was fully dressed.

"I-I don't… think that's a bloke."


	3. Special Arrangements Kris

**Chapter Three: Special Arrangements**

**Disclaimer: Oh please, I don't even own my clock.**

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"Raleigh!" I whined, looking around as we walked through the grounds. "They're _staring_ at me!"

"Well of course they are." Raleigh said shortly, the hand he had put on my elbow to guide me tightening slightly. "After all, this is supposed to be an all-boys school."

I scowled up at him as he practically dragged me across the campus. He had been like this ever since that friend of his, Jacob or whatever his name was, had left. Honestly, it was the closest I had ever come to seeing a boy pout. The look on his face suggested I just killed his puppy.

"It's not my fault that my parents sent me here!" I exclaimed, sticking my tongue out at a boy who looked at me just a little too long. "If it was up to me, I'd be back in America, with all of my friends."

"You're not very friendly this morning are you?" Raleigh noted as he abruptly turned a corner, taking me with him.

I shook my head in response. We had gotten a call over the PA system a few minutes ago, summoning both of us to the main office for a meeting with Headmaster O'Connor. Raleigh had promptly kicked his friend out of the dorm, telling him that he would explain it all later. Jacob had just given me one last confused sort of look before leaving. Now the boy was dragging me all over St. Bartleby's extensive campus, leading me along what he claimed was a short cut.

"You'll find out very fast that I am not a morning person." I told him shortly, rubbing my eyes. Jet lag from the 13-hour cross continental trek was finally setting in. I wasn't quite sure how far ahead of Washington Ireland really was time zone wise, and I didn't really want to find out. After all, I wasn't planning to call anyone at home just yet.

"I've already begun to notice." My roommate replied wryly. He dropped my elbow then, and stretched. "We can slow down now." He informed be, starting to walk at a pace I deemed sane enough. "We've left the commons now, and classes don't start until Wednesday, so this part of the grounds should be relatively safe."

I stared at him curiously, folding my hands behind my back as I walked. What on Earth did he mean by 'relatively safe'? After all, it was just a school, not a battleground or something. Besides, I was fully capable of taking care of myself…mostly.

"What are we being called for anyway? Surely, I haven't done something wrong already. I've only been here a day!"

Raleigh laughed at this.

He had a nice laugh. It was deep and loud, reminding of the church bells back home. _Back home_…This was pathetic. I haven't even been gone for a week and already I'm homesick. I gave myself a good mental kick in the butt. This was no way to start the new school year, I scolded. Ireland is your home this year, and there's no reason to show Fine Young Gentleman that you miss your parents already. Just toughen up solider, it might not be your choice to be here, but you are and there's no turning back. Now thoroughly inspired by myself, I stood up straight and drew a deep breath, only to realize that my fine young gentleman must have said something while I was talking to myself, because he was staring at me expectantly.

"Oh," I said, pulling at the edge of my shirt in embarrassment. "Er, what?"

Raleigh cocked an eyebrow, giving me an amused glance. "I asked if yeh wanted to go in now."

We must have continued walking during my mental pep talk, because we were now standing in front of the Headmaster's office. Mentally, I groaned. It wasn't even lunchtime yet and I could already tell that this was going to be one of my more embarrassing days.

"Sure. It's now or never, right?" I replied, trying to sound more confident than I really was.

"Aye," Raleigh said, eyes twinkling. "Something along those lines."

I lost all dignity I had retained after my pep talk by sticking my tongue out at him and pulling at the bottom of my eye before walking into the office. Behind me, I could hear Raleigh laughing.

The Headmaster's Office was huge, much larger than any principal's office I'd seen back home, and rather intimidating. Pictures of the past Headmasters and Principals lined the walls, all of them seemed to stare down at my condemningly. According to the latest portrait, the last Principal had retired just two years ago. I wondered what had been so horrible as to cause him to leave. I reminded myself to ask Raleigh later.

"Sit down Miss Smith." Headmaster O'Connor's voice was soft and welcoming, much like the first time I had met him. "Don't worry," He chuckled once he caught sight of my hesitant state. "You're not in trouble. We are meeting to sort out a few loose ends."

I sat down in the chair that faced the Headmaster's large desk. The chair was soft, and I very nearly feel in. Struggling a little, I made myself comfortable.

"So, uh…what loose ends are we sorting out?" I paused before adding a hurried, "Headmaster."

The Headmaster smiled at me, and it was as soft and kind as his voice was. Suddenly, I was beginning to feel that this wasn't going to be bad after all, if a man like this was running the place.

"Trivial matters, really." He said, waving a huge hand in the air. "Just little things such as schedules, appropriate accommodations, class lists, and of course, the uniform. Nothing too life threatening, really."

I gave him a small smile, but inside my gut was sinking. We hadn't had uniforms at my old school, just a dress code. This was something I wasn't looking forward to. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as I imagined. Maybe they wouldn't make me wear a skirt. A tie I could handle. After all, I'd been stealing my friend Andrew's ties for years. Skirts, however, I only wore when my grandmother forced me. Thank the good lord Grandma only visits every two years.

"First things first then." Headmaster O'Connor said, shuffling some papers on his desk. "Your transcripts say that you were enrolled in many AP and Honors classes at your old schools."

I nodded. This was true. It wasn't because I was some sort of brainiac child or anything, the curriculum at all my old schools had overlapped too much, and more than often I ended up learning the same thing twice.

"Based off of your former classes, the school board has come up with this schedule for you. I made sure most that you have the major half of your classes with my son, so you'll have help if you need any." He pushed a piece of printer paper over his imposing desk for me to read.

I picked it up, and read of what was to become my daily routine this year.

_Block One: Physics I-Building A (106)_

_Block Two: English III-Building C (319)_

_Block Three: Irish History-Building C (301)_

_Block Four: Calculus I-Building A (120)_

_Block Five: French III-Building C (324)_

_Elective I: Yoga-Building B (205)_

Elective II: Swimming-Building B (Pool B)

_Note To All Students: Schedules changes must be made by the start of term and approved by both the Dean of Attendance and the Headmaster. Uniforms are to be worn everyday and in the appropriate manner. New schedules are to be handed out at the start of the next term._

___~Classes to be attended with Raleigh_

~Classes only you shall attend

This didn't seem too bad at all. At least I would know someone in all but two of my classes. That was pretty good for a school full of people I had never met before at all. Hopefully, I would make other friends too. Something told me that having only Raleigh as a friend would drive me prematurely grey. Only, of course, if having him as a roommate didn't do the job.

"Now that we have that matter of business taken care of, we can move on." The Headmaster was saying. I looked up from my schedule to see him smiling gently at me.

"You are, as I can imagine you've noticed, St. Bartleby's first and only female student." I gave him a wry sort of smile and he chuckled gently before continuing. "As such, we are not quite prepared for you. There are only two girl bathrooms in the buildings now, for use by our female professors and staff. This, of course, is going to change. For now, I'm afraid you'll have to use the bathrooms our boys have deemed 'unusable.' They're quite out of the way however, and I can assure you will not be disturbed. My two daughters visit occasionally, and when they do, I can imagine you will be more than welcome in their presence. If you have any…feminine needs or problems, feel free to alert the other female professors. They will gladly help you.

"As for your rooming accommodations," Headmaster O'Connor paused slightly. "My son has profusely refused to give up his first roommate. However, there are more things at stake here than a teenage boys trivial wishes. Raleigh is a kind boy, and very attentive to others needs, but I cannot assure his friends will be as well. Do you wish to have your own dorm, Miss Smith? It would be easily arranged."

I thought about it for a brief moment. "No thank you, Sir. It was very nice of you to offer, and I appreciate the thought, but I don't mind rooming with Raleigh. Besides, I've already unpacked." He didn't need to know that my version of 'unpacking' was to throw most of my clothes on my bed. "Now," I said, distracting him. "What about this uniform?"

"Ah, yes. The uniform. St. Bartleby's is an elite school Miss Smith and we expect our boys to act as if it is. They are required to wear a three-piece suit with our logo emblazed daily, along with loafers." I lifted my eyebrows slightly. High standards much? "As a girl, we will not require you to wear a suit. The board staid up quite late last night trying to decide what would be most appropriate. This is what we came up with." He withdrew a large bag from underneath his desk. Putting it down in front of him, he drew out a pleated, knee-length blue and gold plaid skirt, a blue sweater vest with some sort of logo on the chest, two pairs of knee-high socks, a gold tie, and a long sleeved white dress shirt. "We called your parents last night for the sizes and our tailors just finished these a few hours ago."

They had their own _tailors?_ Good lord! What kind of school were my parents sending me to? They of all people should know I wouldn't fit in with a bunch of elite rich kids with enough money to have their own personal tailors.

"Is the skirt really necessary?" I asked hopefully, holding it up with reluctance.

"Yes Miss Smith, it is. Now I am very sorry to have to throw you out of my office so soon, but it appears I have another appointment waiting."

I gathered my schedule and uniform in my arms and turned to leave. As I made towards the door, another boy entered. Glancing at him casually, I had to stop.

My casual glance had revealed a charmingly handsome boy. He was quite slight and almost ghostly pale. His raven feather hair was combed back with great care, and everything down to his Armani loafers was immaculate. His attention to detail was almost mind blowing, and he held himself as if he was the most important thing in the world and the rest of us were just his pawns. All of this, however, seemed to pale in comparison to his eyes. They were a brilliant, shocking shade of blue that I had never seen before. Cold and intelligent, his gaze never wavered as he made his way towards the Headmasters desk. His long pianist fingers grasped what appeared to be a crumpled piece of paper. All and all, this boy dazzled me.

"Ah, Master Artemis." Raleigh's father's voice broke through my reverie. "I've been expecting you."

Shaking myself slightly, I walked out of the office. Raleigh was seating on a bench nearby, and he got up when I passed.

"Well, took ye long enough!" he exclaimed. "What were ye doing in there, anyway? Bearing your soul?"

I wrinkled my nose and stuck my tongue out at him again, much to his amusement. "Nothing really."

He shook his head in disbelief. "Well, 'nothing' has been keeping us from lunch! Come on, girlie." Raleigh took my arm, gently this time, and directed me towards the mess hall. I stared around me at the many buildings on campus, and groaned a little. I would never find my way around here without help. Something told me this is going to a long year.


	4. The Expected and the Unexpected Raleigh

**Chapter Four: The Expected and the Unexpected**

**Disclaimer: Last time I checked, I was a girl, which makes it impossible for me to be Eoin Colfer. Hence: I own nothing.**

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_'May your neighbors respect you,_

_Troubles neglect you,_

_The angels protect you_

_And heaven accept you'_

_-An Irish Blessing_

The days flew by until it was Tuesday night. Living with Kris was nothing like I expected. One of the first things she had done was tape a large, obnoxious poster of some actor she insisted was named Rob Morrow up on the wall across from her bed. Several other smaller posters advertising a show called NUMB3RS and more actors I didn't know quickly joined it. It was irritating, how on Earth was I supposed to have Jacob and Finn over when _Don Eppes_ or whatever his name was staring them in the eyes? Well, I suppose Finn wouldn't really mind, but Jacob would. After taking over the wall space she proceeded to take over the small walk-in closet-like entryway between the bathroom and the bedroom. This, at least, she had asked about. However, I'm not quite sure I'm too comfortable walking past all off her dresses and girlie pajamas just to take a shower or shave. Thank god she has the sense not to leave her _other_ clothes lying around.

Needless to say, by the time Wednesday morning rolled around I was already tired with Miss Smith's antics. This did not improve when she woke me up at 3:30 in the morning.

"Raleigh?" Kris's voice was small and hesitant, and she was obviously still groggy from sleep.

I didn't answer her, groaning instead and pulling a pillow over my head. It was far too early to think, and I knew that looking at the school-supplied alarm clock would do nothing but help me wake up. Maybe if I just ignored her she would take the hint and go back to sleep. After all, it was her first day tomorrow, she should be getting all the rest she could get.

"Raleigh?" no such luck then. "Are you awake?" Her voice was getting higher.

Sighing I rolled over in my bed and opened my eyes less than half way. In the darkness I could just barely make out her outline. She was sitting on her bed and clutching a blanket to her. "What?" I asked a little more sharply than I had intended.

"I had a bad dream." She whispered, almost ashamed.

Rubbing one eye tiredly, I sighed. Caoimhe often came to me with her bad dreams. Usually she was crying. Thank god Kris wasn't crying like Caoimhe does because I'm absolutely useless when it comes to crying. "What was it then?" I questioned, my voice a little slurred.

"Someone killed my father." There was a definite tremor in her voice now. I did not like the direction this was going.

"And what does your father do for a living?"

"He's a therapist." Kris said, sniffling slightly.

I relaxed, rolling back over on my bead. "Listen Kris, no one in their right mind would want to hurt a therapist. All they do is help people get over their problems and shit. I can assure you that serial killers rarely ever target therapists. Relax and get some sleep. You're gonna need it."

Reassured and still sniffling slightly, Kris climbed back into her bed and fell back to sleep almost instantly. Stretching my back slightly, I yawned before curling up into a ball and falling back asleep.

By the time she was ready the next morning, we were ten minutes behind schedule. All the good food was sure to be gone by now.

Leaning against the doorframe, I scowled at her as she finally emerged from the bathroom. I couldn't even tell what on Earth had taken her so long. As far I could tell, she looked almost exactly the same as to how looked when she'd gone in. I mean, sure, her hair seemed straighter, and I guess that her face was…I don't know, prettier? But really, how long does it take one to put on clothes?

"We're late Kris." I said tersely.

"I'm sorry." She said, not looking it at all. "I was trying to find a way to make this stupid skirt look attractive. It didn't work."

I stared at her incredulously, shaking my head. It was getting very hard to believe this girl. Hopefully she would get along with Finn, because there was no way I would be able to put up with these asinine things all year long. "You look fine." My voice was impatient, and I was getting hungrier by the minute. "Now come on, we've missed all the good food by now."

By the time we arrived to the mess hall, it was crowded and noisy. Well, at least it was noisy, until the boys around us began to notice Kris's presence. They stopped talking to elbow their neighbor in the ribs and stare with out any traces of shame. A few of them began to whisper among themselves, exchanging knowing smirks and eyeing Kris.

Biting her lip nervously, my roommate gave them all a harsh, if not slightly panicked, glare. Tugging on the hemline of her knee-length skirt, she spoke up for the first time since we'd left the dorm. "What?" She said to the almost silent mess hall. "Never seen a girl before, have you?" Kris demanded, straightening her spine.

Someone towards the back of the mess hall laughed at this statement.

"Well?" Kris demanded again, her voice rising slightly at the end. "Why are you still staring?"

The message was instantly received, and although several boys continued to send disbelieving glances in her direction, the room returned to its normal uncontrollable din. Sighing with relief, I took firm hold of Miss Smith's arm and lead her towards a table in the very back of the lunch room.

Jacob was saving the seats, and took his feet off of the chairs as they drew closer. He greeted me with a half smile and nod, before moving his attentions to Kris. Jake had taken the whole 'my roommate turned out to be an American girl' concept very well. Once we had finished explaining it all to him, the first thing he did was to ask Kris if she had a boyfriend. He'd been persistent to point of annoyance once he found the answer was no. Well, that was Jake for you. Single minded to the point of bull-headedness.

"Good morning, beautiful." He said easily, sliding over as to allow her a seat next to him.

Ignoring my friend completely, Kris sat down at the opposite side of the table. "Did you hear something Raleigh?" she asked innocently. "Because I could've sworn I just heard a loud annoying buzzing noise in the background."

Jacob pouted, looking devastated. "Oh baby, that hurts. That hurts me deep, deep down."

"Who's your baby now?" a kind, amused voice said from behind my chair. "Surely you didn't actually succeed in getting a girlfriend already Jacob."

Finn was here at last.

"Actually," Jake said defiantly as he snaked his arm around Kris's shoulders. Something told me this was not going to end well. "You happen to be right. Finn, meet Kris Smith, my girlfriend," he put stress on the last word and I rolled my eyes. "And Raleigh's American roommate."

Kris was scowling as she stared down at her manicured nails. "Jacob, I am going to give you ten seconds to get your arm off me."

Jake yelped slightly and withdrew his arm. Laughing, Finnegan slid himself into the free chair between Jake and Kris. His light brown eyes portrayed a sense of calm at all times. Finnegan was usually the one thought out our pranks and adventures, but was almost never the one that caught. Finn had always had a way about him when it came to getting out of tight spots. The way he carried himself gave off the air that he was so much better than a prankster. His brown hair was darker than his eyes, and fell in waves around his face. All in all, most people couldn't understand why the three of us got along so well. Perhaps they simply just didn't know Finn like we did. He practically _lived_ for trouble these days.

Kris turned to Finn, surprised and wary. "Another one of Raleigh's friends?" everyone could hear the unspoken question. The words, 'Another one like Jacob?' lay hidden within her question.

Finn smiled vaguely before replying. "There's no need to worry." He said softly. "I'm quite gay."

Kris's eyes widened with surprise as we stared at her, wondering how she'd take the news. Americans were very homophobic, weren't they? I was beginning to regret my decision to keep her a roommate. What if she hurt Finn? I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for having the pair of them meet if that happened. Jacob's eyes were wary as well, and he seemed to be ready to contain her if necessary.

What we weren't expecting was Kris to squeal happily and literally throw herself into Finnegan's arms before starting to chatter happily.

"I love you Finnegan, I fricking love you!" she proclaimed as a very confused looking Jacob looked on in despair. "My safe harbor in a sea of testosterone pumped monkeys!"

Finn looked at me in amazement over an ecstatic Kris's shoulder. Something told me he hadn't expected it to go over this well either. Well, this girl was just a bundle of surprises.

It continued like this through much of breakfast. Jacob had taken to sulking towards the corner of the mess hall. Finn, however, seemed to be honestly enjoying himself. He and Kris were talking about anything and everything. Topics ranged from American pop culture to classes they would have together.

The bell finally rang, and we left a sulking Jacob to head off to Physics. Kris tuned herself down now, and seemed happy to follow me where I was leading her.

"Well," I said, a hint of laughter in my voice. "I guess we'll be seeing a lot more of Finnegan now, eh?"

Kris nodded happily, not quite replying as she stared around the large campus in awe. "What's that building for?" She asked, pointing towards a large dome-shaped building towards our left.

"Theater and the arts." I said absently. "Not like we use it much, though. I don't think I've seen anyone go in there since my first year."

Kris continued to stare at the big building with curiosity as I pulled gently through the throngs of boys procrastinating before the second bell rang. Perhaps if I had been watching the building as well I would have noticed a small figure slip through the large double doors that led into the drab drama department of St. Bartleby's.

"Attention!" Came the soft, yet somehow demanding voice of our resident Physics teacher Mr. Barclay. He had been teaching at the school for as long as I could remember, and his classes hadn't gotten any more interesting as they went along. "Attention!"

"The bell hasn't rung yet, Mr. Barclay!" One of my classmates replied in a surly voice.

Mr. Barclay blinked, momentarily thrown for a loop. "Oh." He said at last, disgruntled. "Right. Well, talk amongst yourselves then."

Several of the boys laughed, and the noisy chatter that had filled the mess hall started up in the classroom.

Chuckling to myself, I turned to see that all of Kris's attention was focused on one boy. Typical girl behavior, I thought to myself as I followed her gaze to a seat in the back of the room. My amusement vanished as I caught sight of her object of attention.

"Who's that?" Kris asked with genuine interest, pointing a black haired youth sitting all by his lonesome.

"You don't want to know him." I said curtly, turning away from Master Artemis Fowl the Second. "Trust me, you really don't."

She ignored my warning, of course, and continued to stare at the youth. "I saw him in your fathers office the other day. What's he like?"

One of the other boys, who went by the name of Shane, leaned in. "That there," he said, completely unashamed to be caught listening in to a private conversation. "Is Artemis Fowl the Second. St. Bartleby's recent genius child, and general pain the ass."

This information was enough to tear Kris's gaze away from Fowl. "He's really a genius child?"

Shane nodded in earnest, glad to have Kris's undivided attention. I rolled my eyes as he continued. "Yeah, that's what everyone says anyway. One of my mates was in his math class the other year, and he said Fowl would answer every question right one day, and then wrong the next. Said he was testing out 'Chaos Theory' or something."

Sighing, I added some information of my own. "He was gone most of our first and second years. When he came back the second time, his father finally shows up after spending two years missing. It can't be proven of course, but people say he was involved in the destruction of the American billionaire Jon Spiro."

My classmate grinned, propping his elbows on Kris's desk as he continued. "And there's also last years Munich trip. People claimed he funded it all himself, but once we got there, he got food poisoning apparently and we didn't see him again until the end of the trip. Not even his roommate saw him, but it was covered up."

"Well, that's quite interesting." Kris said, glancing back at the annoyed looking Fowl child. "I want to talk to him." She decided after a few moments of silent concentration.

"Er, no. Yeh really don't." Shane said seriously. "He may be a genius and all, but he's bloody unpleasant tah be around. He's Fowl by name and nature." Shane chuckled here, apparently honestly amused by his second-rate pun. "Honestly, girlie. Artemis is a far throw from a walk in the park. He shoots down anyone who tries to talk to him."

None of this seemed to faze Kris in the slightest. Once this girl makes up her mind, she really sticks to it. This could get very annoying.

"You haven't given him a chance." She insisted, as she stood up and straightened her skirt. "I'm talking to him and that's final." Kris gave us both a stern look before walking to the back of the classroom.

She was in for one hell of a surprise. I thought to myself as Shane and I watched her walk right up to Artemis and sit down next to him.


	5. Genius Boy Artemis

**Chapter Five: Genius Boy**

**Disclaimer: I have never in my life owned Artemis Fowl

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_'Is there anybody going to listen to my story?_

_All about the girl came to stay.'_

Needless to say, I had not been excited when my parents decided I was indeed attending St. Bartleby's this year. Keeping my nefarious actions secret from Father and Mother was exhausting enough without having to make up excuses for that half-wit old man they like to call the Headmaster. To make matters worse, I am expected to attend classes that even a _toddler_ would scoff at. If they are going to force me to attend this mundane school full of idiots, my parents could at least ask for classes that are at least remotely challenging. But it looked as if it was going to be another year full of Calculus, Irish History and world languages I already spoke. At least schooling was not going to mess up my chance to show Father I could properly handle the family's finances.

If schooling wasn't going to get the better of me, than the new exchange student wasn't going to either. Ever since I walked through the gate, leaving a glowering Butler in my wake, all I've heard about is Kris Smith. There seemed to be nothing my classmates found more exciting than something new. Everyone was wondering something different. What will he be like? How will he dress? Will he like it here? Do you think he might stay? All the asinine questions swirled through the large campus, twittering like birds.

By Wednesday's first class, the excitement in the air was enough to make someone gag. When the Headmaster's son walked in with a girl hot on his tail, it was as if suddenly become 'Bring Your Famous Celebrity Friend To School Day'. Boys scurried to offer her a seat, gawking unashamedly. Some nearly fell out of their desks in shock. Small wonder adults look down on teenagers. They were acting as if they'd never seen anyone without a Y chromosome before. She paid them no mind however, and slid in to a chair next to the boy she had followed in.

"Attention!" The teacher, Mr. Barclay, tried to grasp hold the situation at hand. It was failing dismally. I wondered if I would be able to find a teacher with some sort of backbone by the end of the day. "Attention!" He called once more.

"The bell hasn't rung yet, Mr. Barclay!" One of my classmates replied in a surly voice.

Mr. Barclay blinked, momentarily thrown for a loop. "Oh." He said at last, disgruntled. "Right. Well, talk amongst yourselves then."

No backbone here, then. Perhaps next period…

The girl turned around then, staring at me with interest in her misty grey eyes. She pointed in my direction before turning around again to face the O'Connor boy, and a light seemed to go off in my mind.

I recognized her. She was the girl from the office, the one who had caught sight of me and stared. Headmaster O'Connor had called her Miss Smith, and his son had addressed her as Kris. It had seemed like nothing at the time, but I of all people should know that there was no such thing as nothing. This was Kris Smith, our first exchange student and, apparently, our first girl.

There was a girl at St. Bartleby's.

My mind processed this fact as my ears picked up my name. My over-eager classmates were filling Miss Smith in on the local gossip then, I thought with grim satisfaction. My various exploits seemed to have become something of a school legend. No one appreciates a genius these days.

I was brought to myself by the sound of shuffling feet. Miss Smith was standing next to my desk her hands clasped behind her back as she swayed front and back gently.

"Good morning," She said, American accent evident. "My name's Kris Smith," The girl continued, acting as if I didn't know that fact already. "What's yours?" As if _she_ didn't know that!

I frowned up at her innocent, heart-shaped face before lacing my fingers together and giving my reply.

"Ms. Smith," I said curtly. "It is, by now, obvious that you are asking for information that you have already acquired." The room was dead silent then, and even Mr. Barclay was watching with interest. All eyes in the room seemed to be focused on our small exchange. "You were just talking to Misters O'Connor and Bagley, and they have obviously told you all they know. Undoubtedly, that can't be much. My name, Ms. Smith, can be told to you by anyone in this room. As everyone just seems to be jumping to talk to you, I can assume they have already told you as much as that." My tempered sarcasm made her frown and I allowed myself a brief smirk.

"Apparently, no one's told you what happens when you assume." The response was too quick for my liking, it was almost as if she had seen my conversation coming. Her frown had disappeared, and the smile that replaced it was almost dangerous.

Despite my better judgment I leaned forward, intrigued. "And what might that be?"

"Well, you make an 'ass' out of 'you' and 'me'." The smile widened as several of the boys surrounding us laughed.

The bell rang then, and Miss Smith slid into the empty seat next to me. The icy silence between us seemed to ring with its intensity. Not even a day in and already I could this girl was going to be a nuisance.

It was only ten minutes into the class when the first note appeared on the top of my paper. I threw Miss Smith an annoyed look before reading it.

In small, feminine handwriting it read: _"For a genius, you have the social graces of an angered warthog."_

I snorted gently, and ignored her. My social graces are fine, certainly nothing to be compared to an angry warthog. This girl was very immature. My mother brought me up with perfect manners, and they have staid that way ever since.

When I didn't reply, Miss Smith scribbled something down on a piece of paper before tearing it out of the notebook. Her eyes were focused on the whiteboard and she appeared to be paying perfection attention to the nonsense the half-witted professor was spurting about classroom behaviors and course expectations. However, the almost dangerous smile was playing about her lips once more.

She was intriguing me again, and for the first real time I seemed to notice her.

Yes, I had seen her before. And of course I had noticed the only girl walking around an all-boys campus. However, for the first time I really _noticed_ her. The way she moved, the expressions she made. All the trivial, unimportant things about this girl were flowing through my mind like a river. It was annoying; I didn't have time for these sorts of things. Hormones were not imperative to any part of my plans. This was going to have to be contained and the sooner, the better.

Miss Smith crumpled her note and threw it at my arm. Most of the boys were glancing our way now; the principal's son (Raleigh) was among them. There was almost no way to continue ignoring her now.

Sighing to myself, I picked up the note and flattened it out, scanning the words quickly.

_'You're ignoring me Genius Boy,'_ it read,_ 'it's really not nice to ignore people. Like I said, you need to work on your manners. I could help you with that, you know. My mother thinks that good manners are your one-way ticket to heaven. I know everything you need to know and then some.'_

Genius Boy. She was calling me Genius Boy. I wonder if part of her brain is devoted to utter nonsense. There was that one line from before, the one about assuming, and now this. Obviously the poor girl is not facilitating the mere 10% of her brain that most humans use. Then again, she is American…

There was no way to get away with not answering her. If I didn't, these annoying notes would only continue. Although I did, the notes would probably still come anyway. There was no bright side to this situation.

Throwing the girl besides me an irritated glance, I frowned gently before scribbling my reply.

_'I am not ignoring you, Ms. Smith; I am consciously choosing not to reply. I see nothing wrong with my manners. I have been perfectly polite.'_

She made the most peculiar sound then. It was as if she was laughing at me, but trying to disguise the fact by coughing loudly. The resulting noise sounded as if she was choking on something. It was loud enough for Professor Barclay to notice, and he turned to stare at her in a concerned way.

Ms. Smith mumbled a hurried apology, covering her mouth her hand. She scribbled a response back to me almost immediately.

_'You are__** kidding**__, right Genius Boy?'_ her handwriting seemed so loopy and childish when compared to my own.

I frowned again; this girl seemed more adept at eliciting emotions from me than most people were. This could present a problem.

Annoyed now, I wrote a quick reply.

_'My name is not Genius Boy.'_

My neighbor smiled at this, giving me a sidelong glance. It seemed as if she was extremely amused by this situation.

_'Than what is it? If you never tell me, I'm just going to continue making things up_._'_

Damn, I should have seen this coming at me like an atom bomb. Manipulated and outsmarted by a girl I've known for less than 24 hours. If this ever got out the general public, my reputation would be completely down the drain. Imagine trying to outfox someone who knew a ditzy girl had one-upped you. Oh, the embarrassment.

_'My name is Artemis Fowl the Second.'_

She was still smiling, swinging her legs with that happy expression on her face. Ms. Smith abandoned the notes now. Instead she turned to me just ever so slightly and whispered, "Nice to meet you, Artemis Fowl. My name is Kristina Smith."

At this, my stomach gave a small flip and a shiver ran down my spine. The wheels in my brain began turning at high speeds. Although she might not know it, Kristina was going to be a part of something big. An adventure was coming and this girl would be in the middle. The spine never lied.


	6. Conniving and Canoodling

Memo: Up until now, I'm sure you've noticed that the chapter name has been the point of view it's told in. However, I'm quickly running out of ways to word the same thing because there are only three narrators for this story and FanFiction doesn't let you reuse chapter titles. So I've found a better way to do this. Kris's chapters will have nothing on the top and just start straight into the story. Raleigh's chapters will have some sort of Irish blessing or saying on the top, then the story and Artemis's chapters will have a song lyric that fits with the chapter on top, then the story. Oh yes, and I know I've been busting these out recently, but now there'll be a wait as we've reached the point where the ones I already had written for Quizilla stop, and where the ones still floating that are still just idea bubbles floating around in my brain begin. Enjoy!

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Artemis was in three more of my classes. Two of these classes were also with Raleigh. Needless to say, it had been awkward trying to pick which one to sit next to. Artemis wasn't exactly what I would call a social butterfly, but he sure was easy on the eyes. As for Raleigh, he'd been treating me so nicely up until now. Really, he'd been great. Yet, the moment I went over and actually talked to Artemis, it'd been like someone had dropped a large icy wall between the two of us. What on Earth had Artemis ever done to deserve this kind of treatment?

Almost as soon as I thought it, I took it back. Handsome as he may be, there wasn't too much going on up there, social skills wise I mean. After all, it didn't take a genius to figure out that he was, well, a genius.

By the time lunch rolled around, the icy silence was getting so bad I truly believed that sticking sharp, sharp nails into my eyes would be a better experience then the one I was currently having.

Needless to say, news of my conversation with Artemis had traveled fast. So fast, in fact, that I couldn't even get a word in edge wise once I sat down before Jacob pounced on me.

"I can nae believe yeh just did that!" Jacob said, his Irish accent even more pronounced now that he was agitated.

"Did what?" I asked, somewhat peeved by now. It's not like Artemis was some sort of social pariah! He was just confused, very… _very_ confused.

"Talked to that pariah!" Jake exclaimed.

…**Okay**, I take that statement back then.

"Jacob." Finn said, his voice stern. The boy hadn't even looked up from whatever he was reading, but a frown was playing about his lips.

"I'm sorry Finn," he said, not looking it at all. Instead, he shot a contemptuous glare over in Artemis's direction as he crossed the cafeteria. "But yeh can't actually like it, can yeh sugar?"

Raleigh's lip twitched up in almost smile for the first time since I'd talked to Artemis earlier that day. As glad I was that there appeared to a small crack in the giant wall of ice currently residing between the two of us, that didn't mean I was going to take Jake's insistent, and more than slightly annoying, antics.

"I'm sorry, I haven't the faintest idea why you are talking to the sugar Jacob as it obviously can not answer you. Perhaps you should get that looked at." I said frostily, and Raleigh actually laughed.

So there was more than one crack in the ice wall. That was comforting.

"But honeylamb, I was talking to you!" Jake protested, his brown eyes wide and innocent. "You _are_ the sweetest thing in the room!"

I groaned, turning to Finnegan. He was, apparently, the only sane person in this friend group. As of yet he has not proposed to me, suddenly started to ignore me for no reason other than being social, or called me _honeylamb_. God, Shelby was going to eat this up when I told her. No one talked to me like this back in Seattle.

"Finn," I implored and the boy looked up to met my eyes. "I can't make this," here I paused to gesture at Jacob. "…Thing, out! One minute he tells me he can't make sense of me, and disapproves of my actions, and the next he's calling me the sweetest thing in the room!"

"Love is a tender, fickle thing." Finn said gravely, but his light brown eyes were twinkling wildly.

"See darling, even Finn agrees! Fowl just isn't your type." Jacob said triumphantly.

I arched a delicate eyebrow frostily. Like they had any idea what 'my type' was. They'd known me for less than a week. Even Shelby, who had known me for at least ten years, couldn't figure out what 'my type' was. Although, that's not saying too much because even though I love that girl dearly, she's not very good at telling lies from truth. I _did_ convince her that we were skipping January once…

Raleigh spoke up for the first time since leaving the Physics room. "Kris, I don't care if Fowl's your…er, type, or not. He's just bad luck. Weird shit happens when that boy's around, Kris. Weird ass shit." He looked uncomfortable.

These boys! They never gave anyway a chance. Last time I gave a 'social pariah' a chance; I'd gotten Andrew as a friend. So I'd just have to prove them wrong.

"That doesn't matter. Have you no belief in the human capacity for change?" I asked hotly, my anger towards Jacob momentarily forgotten.

The two boys, Finn was still reading, gawked at me disbelieving.

"The words 'human' and 'Artemis Fowl' aren't usually uttered in the same sentence around here." Jacob explained carefully. He then proceeded to shove a whole roll into his mouth. Because that was definitely behavior of a normal human.

Finnegan snorted with laughter and dropped his book back into his bag. "I believe in it." He said simply, running a hand through his hair. "But girl, that boy is going to need some _work_! How long do you think it will take?"

A large grin broke across my face and I hugged Finnegan fiercely. "You are the most amazing person I have ever meet in my life!" I exclaimed as Jacob, cheeks still bulging with food, looked on like a depressed chipmunk.

Raleigh took one look at the three of us, me hugging a chuckling Finnegan around the neck and a flustered and put out Jacob looking on, and laughed loudly. We were receiving a lot of weird looks from the people around us, but I didn't mind.

"You really think you can change him Kris? You really think this will work." Raleigh said seriously, but his hazel eyes were light and happy again.

I nodded, readjusting slightly so that I was sitting in Finnegan's lap. Several boys, Jake among them, were sending him envious looks. "Yes, if I go about it the right way, and know what buttons to push."

Finn nodded, rolling his shoulders gently. He was quieter than he had been recently; a habit I noticed only came up when Artemis was brought into the conversation. It made me wonder what had happened between them, although I had a good guess.

"You should start tomorrow." He said in his soft voice. "And try to keep him away from the third floor corridor in Building A."

This response caused Jacob and Raleigh to look up with excitement in their eyes. They'd already told me about most of their previous 'adventures', such as blowing up the toilet and rigging the school water fountains to squirt Irish crème soda instead of water. No doubt whatever was in store for the third floor corridor in Building A was going to a 'welcome back' present of some sort. Shame I had to stay away. Part of me really wanted to see what they would do.

"Alright," I agreed at last as Jake and Raleigh exchanged high fives. "Tomorrow it is then."

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I got up an hour earlier than usual the next day to get ready for the task at hand. When in Phoenix, my grandmother had taught me always to be ready for whatever life threw at you. She also taught me that the best way to a mans heart was, not through his stomach, but sheer will power. By will power, she meant, looking so fine that they lose all coherent thought, and do whatever the hell you want. I've seen it action, and let me tell you, my grandmother was a wise woman.

I was halfway done with my hair by the time Raleigh got up. Let me tell you, his laugh might remind me of church bells, and his eyes might enchanting and all that jazz, but Just Raleigh is most definitely not a morning person. Usually, I'd understand due to the fact that I'm not a morning person either. He takes it to a whole new level. Every morning he wakes up and it's as if someone just ran over his puppy with a semi-truck or something.

"Kris…!" he groaned from the other side of the bathroom door. "Will yeh hurry up in there? It's been fifteen minutes!"

"I left your toothbrush, toothpaste and hair stuff out there for you!" I called through the door. "Use the sink in the kitchenette thing!" oh yeah; we had our own little kitchenette. Well, it was really just a sink, a mini-fridge and some cupboards with food and dishes. But that was beyond the point. We had a _kitchenette_.

"Besides," I said, spraying a liberal amount of volumizing hair spray over my curls. "It smells like aerosol in here! I highly doubt you'd last long."

He let out a frustrated sort of growl that made my spine tingle, and I could hear his retreating footsteps.

Biting my lips slightly, I ignored the way my body was behaving and went right on with my hair, thanking god I'd been smart enough to put my uniform on before I started.

It was only another ten minutes before I ducked out of the bathroom to find a frustrated looking Raleigh waiting for me at the door. I ducked my head, muttering an apology much like Hope did when Mom caught her with her hand in the cookie jar.

He opened his mouth to reply, then shut it again, staring at me strangely. Noticing his gaze, I looked up. There was a wary sort of appreciation in his eyes. As if he liked what he saw before him, but for some reason was too afraid to show it.

"Did you," he asked, tilting his head so some of his curls fell into his eyes. "Do something with your hair?"

"Not really." I replied honestly, because it was true. My hair was this curly all the time. I'd always just liked it better straightened with a flat iron. "It looks like this all the time. Come on, Just Raleigh. Heaven forbid we miss a minute of the excitement that is Physics."

Leading a very baffled looking Raleigh behind me, we made our way off to Physics.

* * *

Raleigh didn't seem to mind when I went to sit next to Artemis. In fact, he gave me a whispered good luck before going to sit the boy Shane that I had met on my first day of classes. Several other boys were watching me too, although Artemis was not among them. Smiling slightly at my staring classmates, I made way towards the back of the room.

"Good morning Artemis." I said cheerfully as I sat down next to him.

"Kristina." Was his only reply. He didn't even bother to look up.

I bit my lip in annoyance, fighting back the witty response. "How was the rest of your day? Anything interesting happen?"

Artemis raised an eyebrow slightly, raising his eyes to meet my own for the first time. He faltered, probably the first time in his life Artemis Fowl the Second has ever faltered. However, he didn't say anything, and his gaze dropped soon after.

"Artemis?" I asked, once his gaze had been diverted.

"What?" his voice was short, as if he was trying very hard to think of something else. Which, based on the look I had just seen in his eyes, he was.

"Do you ever wish you might have some friends?"

He shot me a stubborn glance. "I have friends Miss Smith."

I'm sure he did. Really, you had to have at least someone who talks you when you're that good looking. Even if it is only to ask for your phone number. However, for the purpose of this…er, social experiment, I'd just have to continue as if he didn't.

"Really, Artemis?" I asked, swinging my legs. "Friends who hang with you on the weekends? Who take you movies and invite you over to their houses?"

Artemis paused, his brilliant blue eyes thoughtful and introspective. "No, I suppose not that kind of friend."

"Would you like to have one, Artemis? A friend like that, I mean."

His shocking eyes met mine, and he scowled at me.

"What is this?" he snapped, his voice cold and clipped. "Twenty Questions?"

I shot him an innocent grin, allowing some of my curls to fall into my face. The make up I'd spent ten minutes applying earlier better be making my eyes look smoky, or I was going to be pissed. After all, I couldn't make my eyes smolder, like Edward Cullen's do, and this was as close as I was going to get to that sort of effect. Hopefully, it was working.

"Something like that, yes." I said happily, giving him my best innocent smile.

Artemis merely scowled at me some more, something I will admit he had down to a fine art. "You're impossible." He said looking extremely fed up.

My smile widened. This could only mean one thing; I'd won. "My mother tells me that too. So do my father, and pretty much everyone I know, actually." My voice was as cheerful as always.

The famous genius child merely grunted, and went back to whatever Physics equation he had been working on before.

"So, I'll see you after classes? To start your friend lessons?" I asked hopefully, leaning in to see what he was working on. It looked like some complicated equation involving wormholes and space-time continuums. This boy really was a genius. Part of my heart went out to him for having to be stuck in this boring, run-of-the-mill boarding school. Surely that must be tough.

"Will you stop bothering me?" He asked, his body still crouched over his paper, those wonderful pianist fingers scribbling away fiercely.

"Until after school, of course." Came my sunny reply.

The only response I got from him was a slight crease in his eyebrows, and a slightly larger frown. However, I knew this was the closest thing I would get to a 'yes'.

Smiling happily, I leaned back and gave Raleigh a wink from across the room. Oh yes, Grandma sure knew her stuff.


	7. Lessons with a Social Pariah

**There's A**_** Girl **_**At St. Bartleby's Chapter Seven**

Author Notes: Sorry to repeat narrators. Normally I don't like to do this. But for this chapter, Kris was by far the best option. I don't really know if they have slip n' slides in other parts of the world, I'm assuming they do, but I'd rather be safe then sorry. So, at the risk of looking like an insensitive American idiot who knows squat, a slip n' slide is basically a tarp covered in soap that's continually sprayed with a hose. They're pretty much amazing. Oh yes, I'm going to try to keep these in between 2,500 and 2,700 words long. That's just a general estimate though. There are bound to be chapters shorter and longer.

**Story Start:**

By the end of the day, the amount of attention I was getting was starting to annoy me. Artemis and the others better not think I'm going to look like this everyday, or they sure had another thing coming.

"Oy!" Someone was shouting at their friend from across the campus as I was leaving the B Building. "Did ya see what they did tah the corridor over in Building A? It's a gigantic Slip N' Slide now."

"Seriously?" the other boy called back, as those around cackled their appreciation and slapped high-fives. "How long has it been there?"

"I don't know, but the teachers are going wild! Everyone who goes up there to get it under control ends up slipping."

There were snickers all around at this one, as each boy imagined their least favorite teacher attempting to contain the situation.

That was it; I had to go check this out. After all, Finn hadn't expressly forbid my presence. He'd just highly suggested that I keep Artemis far, far away. Probably because if the young genius showed up, there was a 99.9 chance someone would help him on his own personal tour of the Slip N' Slide. There was also a 75 chance that the person helping him might be Jacob.

By the time I reached the third floor corridor in Building B, the place was packed. Students were standing around laughing as their teachers and fellow classmates slid down the hallway, eventually falling or making a complete fool of themselves. My eyes scanned the crowd, looking for the three faces I wanted to see.

It took me a moment, but I found them. Raleigh, Finn and Jacob were standing a little ways away from everyone else, enjoying themselves but being careful not to make themselves too noticeable.

Pushing my way through the crowded hallway, and ignoring the occasional catcall, I made it over to my new friends just in time to hear Raleigh start talking.

"This is horrible!" he was saying, his face a mask of tragedy. However, the serious expression glued to his face and the glistening of what looked like tears on his cheeks were completely offset by the twinkling mischief in his eyes.

'Well, some one was proud of themselves.' I thought blandly as Raleigh continued.

"Who would ever think of doing such a thing? To our precious school property too! It's just disgraceful!"

Jacob took over here, reaching up to give his considerably taller friend a pat on the back. It was almost like watching a Scottish terrier try to reach the face of a Great Dane. The look on his face was so sobering that I managed to contain a giggle.

"I know mate, I know. That tarp is even from the practically unused janitor closet a building over. Who on Earth would take advantage of the horrible security system this school allows it's janitorial staff? I mean that's just low."

Finn took this time to pipe in as well. Unlike his friends, Finnegan was much better at controlling his obvious pride at their handiwork. His whole face was a picture of justifiable outrage. "This is just despicable!" He said, making his voice shake with rage. "And you know what the worst part is?"

Jacob shook his head sadly, egging his friend on as I watched. Wow, Finn was good at this. He should take up acting.

"They won't be able to trace down the culprits. Everything used has been borrowed at least six times. I doubt even the original owners know this is how their possessions are being used."

I shook my head, bemused. The three of them turned to look at me. "You guys," I said smiling. "Are really unbelievable. Did you know that?"

Finnegan kept his composure as he answered me. "I don't know why you're saying such cruel things. We are simply mourning the pitiful outcome of a half-assed prank pulled off by amateurs. They're jealous, you see. If it had been _my_ idea," he said, shooting a boy near by who was staring at him a contemptuous look. "It would have been fair better than this." He leaned in closer to me and muttered, "It was all Jake's idea."

At this, I couldn't help it. The laughter I had been so carefully containing burst out of me in large quantities. The others around me were throwing me very weird looks. It was as if they were afraid for my mental health. Oh please, I was too far-gone for that.

Once I stopped, I stood there for a few seconds, holding on to my sides and gasping slightly. Straightening up, I wiped the tears from my face, noticing the black smear line on my hand when I drew it back. Frowning gently, I swatted Finnegan on the arm in mock indignity. "Dammit Finn! I totally put on mascara this morning! That was a minute of my life effort wasted." Shaking my head, I turned away from them as Finnegan chuckled, rubbing his arm. "I'm heading back to the dorm," I called as I headed off. "Enjoy your Slip N' Slide, boys!"

* * *

After I'd gotten out of my uniform, taken off my beautifully ruined makeup, and showered the vast amounts of aerosol out of my hair, about an hour had passed. Oh yeah, the boys at St. Bartleby's better be kidding themselves if they thought I was going to put myself through this everyday. I do not understand how the girls back home do it. All those hours to get a few catcalls and perverted glances from a room full of hormonal boys, most of whom didn't look like they showered everyday. I guess it was just something I would never be able to grasp.

Toweling my hair dry, I flopped down on to my bed and flipped up my laptop. Raleigh wasn't back yet, but I'd managed to snap a few shots of him and the others over the week to show Shelby and my family. As it booted up, I switched on the web cam feature. Although I had no idea what time it was in the States, it was only five in the afternoon over here, so I hoped I had some chance of maybe catching Shelby or Jessica.

It surprised me when Shelby's heart-shaped face appeared on my screen. She was up! My redheaded friend was alert and happy as ever, so I guessed it had to be early over there. Fricking morning people. I don't know how she does it.

"Kris!" She said, her green eyes lighting up in surprise. "You're alive!"

I gave her a strange look. "Yes, that much is obvious. Why wouldn't I be alright Shelby?"

She flicked some of her hair out of her face, and counted matter-of-factly. "Your parents haven't heard from you yet, they're so worried about you. Hope asks about you every morning, you know."

Oh, that was cold, bringing in my little sister in to the conversation. I loved Hope even more than I loved my sleep. Just because my parents, who both have PhD's, can't seem to notice that they're shipping their daughter overseas to go live in an _all-boys_ school didn't mean Hope had to suffer my wrath too. Not of course like Shelby would know any of this. I sort of had been avoiding telling her. Because part of me knew what her first question would be.

"Yeah…" I said uncomfortably. "About that one. Remember that brochure for the school I gave you?" here I paused to make sure my friend nodded her head. "Well, look at again. _Closely._"

Shelby disappeared from the screen as she went to go find the brochure. I heard the rustling of papers and a short silence as the girl read. Then there was a sharp intake of breath followed by a loud, "OH MY GOD, THEY DID NOT!" Before Shelby appeared on my screen again, her eyes wide and excited.

"Don't say it, Shel." I said, a bad feeling accumulating in my gut. "Don't you even…"

"Your roommate's hot, isn't he?" Shelby asked, wickedly excited. She was even leaning closer to the camera, so I could see her wicked grin perfectly. "I bet he's totally dreamy. That's why you haven't called! You've been all hung up over McDreamy over there in Ireland!"

At this, I actually gagged. Raleigh and McDreamy, in the same sentence? I didn't know that could ever happen. Okay, I will admit he has very nice eyes and his laugh sometimes makes my spine behave weirdly just like it does when he makes that noise in the back of his throat that he uses when he's really annoyed with me, but if you take out those things…he was just so…so…I guess I didn't really know _what_ he was. Personally, I was trying really hard not think about it.

"Shelby!" I said horrified, once I'd gotten enough of my voice back to answer. "That's disgusting! You don't even know him!"

Shelby rolled her eyes. "This is why you'll never get a boyfriend, Krissy. You think such pure thoughts."

Oh please. No one can look at Colby Granger running across their television screen without thinking, 'This would be so much better if he was shirtless.' Apparently, Shelby just didn't spend as much time with me as she had thought. Or she didn't watch enough NUMB3RS. Either way, that's eight years of friendship pretty much down the drain. Just as I was about to open my mouth to tell her so, there was a knock at my door. Raleigh totally had a key, and I think Jacob and Finnegan just knew how to break in without anyone noticing, so there was only one person left.

It was manners lesson time.

"Oh shot, gotta go Shelby. Artemis is here." I said, getting up.

"Artemis?" I could hear Shel asking. "Who the hell is she? I thought you were the only-" her voice broke off as I terminated the connection, shutting down my laptop. As I put things away and tried my hardest to make it look like a hurricane hadn't just been through, I grabbed a few, err, 'teaching implements' from around the room and threw them in a messenger bag. That I promptly threw next to one of the beds.

Flustered, I opened the door to see Artemis standing there, looking rather out of place in a nice suit, complete with a tie.

"Hey Artemis." I said, smiling slightly. "Come on in!"

He stepped inside, looking even more uncomfortable than he had outside. Glancing around my dorm, he found a chair.

"You could've changed, you know that, right?" I asked, as I came to sit on Raleigh's bed. "It's not the school day anymore. You could wear something a bit more comfortable."

Artemis gave me a weird look, raising one delicate eyebrow. "This is comfortable."

Now it was my turn to shoot the weird looks. Sighing, I rubbed my forehead. "Boy do I have work to do…" I muttered to myself. This was going to be a long, long day…

* * *

"So, Artemis, tell me about yourself." I said, lying down across Raleigh's bed to look at him better.

Artemis blinked slightly before answering. "My name is Artemis Fowl the Second. My mother, Angeline Fowl, and father, Artemis Fowl Senior, are the only family I have. When I was younger, my father's boat was torpedoed off the coast of the Kola Bay in Russia. The Russian Mafia captured him. Two years ago, he were able to get him back. Obviously, I attend St. Bartleby's where I have been since age 11. There isn't a whole lot to know about me, Miss Smith. I am, essentially, a very simple person."

Well, my flaming lie detector was raging. Either that was a load of bull, or there was something very important he was leaving out. Narrowing my eyes at him for a few seconds, I decided to let it go. I didn't know why he was downplaying his intelligence, but if there was something he didn't want me to know, I had a feeling he wouldn't have many troubles keeping it from me.

"What about hobbies?" I asked casually. "What do you for fun?"

There was another pause. It sounded as if he was deciding what he should tell me and what he shouldn't. Was there really that much of his life that needed to be edited out for an audience?

"I don't have any hobbies." He said finally, his voice as clipped and controlled as ever.

I stared at his, disbelieving. "And I secretly tap-dance and enjoy singing opera music." I said sarcastically as Artemis raised another eyebrow. Boy, he did that a lot… "Seriously, Artemis. Everyone has to have hobbies. It's like, an unspoken law of life!" I exclaimed.

The boy in question didn't even bat an eye. "I told you Miss Smith. I. Don't. Have. Hobbies."

Pursing my lips, I found the messenger bag I'd haphazardly filled with stuff earlier. Searching through it for only a few seconds, I found what I needed.

"Ha ha!" I said triumphantly before spritzing him in the face with my plant sprayer. Hey, everyone's got to be disciplined some how. And this was the closest thing I could find to a disciplinary tool at such short notice.

While I looked happy, Artemis looked more than a little peeved.

"What," he demanded, wiping his face. "Was that?"

"That was water." I said cheekily. "You know, H2O? The element of life?"

He threw me an annoyed glance, a lot like the ones Raleigh sends me really except this one didn't make my spine tingle in the same way. Oh no, when Artemis does it, it feels like a huge parade of jitterbugs decided there's never a time like the present to dance up and down my spine. Damn it, why do all the Irish boys have to have such powers of my reactions?

"I know what water is, Miss Smith. What I meant was: why on Earth are you spraying me with it?"

"Technically," I hedged, purposefully trying to get on his nerves. Of course, I knew pissing him off when I was the one who had made him come over here in the first place wasn't really a nice thing to do, but the way he held my reactions in sway wasn't nice either. Or completely his fault, if he was as socially oblivious as I'd first thought. That, however, was beyond the point.

"Technically, I was spritzing you." This was totally worth it. The scowl on Artemis's face right now was priceless. "And it's time for Rule Number One of your lessons. If you don't have an answer for a question, make something up."

"What kind of rule is_ that_?" Artemis asked acidly.

"My kind of rule!" I said happily, bouncing on Raleigh's bed. From what I had learned of boys, it was fine to ignore them when they were moody like this. It was always better not to nurse someone's wounded ego.

"You're insane." He said dubiously.

"Really?" I asked, hiding my mouth behind my hand so he wouldn't see me smiling. "And all these years I thought my name was Kris…the things you learn."

If the look on Artemis's face was priceless before hand, this one must be pure gold. That is, regardless of the fact he's pretty much liable to kill me at any given second. If you take away that fact, this one damn good Kodak moment. The look on his face was akin to one an atheist might have if they were locked in a room with a bunch of Catholic cardinals.

"Miss Smith-" He began tersely, leaning forward in his chair. For the first time tonight, I think I was seeing a little bit of the real Artemis Fowl. The one that might possibly be a criminal mastermind. The fourteen-year-old boy that had somehow been a multi-millionaire's demise.

So, there was progress after all.

Feeling very satisfied I leaned forward as well, a smile playing about my lips as I spritzed him in the face again.

"Rule Number Two," I said gently. "Call me Kris."


	8. Planning Leads to Pranks

**:There's A **_**Girl**_** At St. Bartleby's!: Chapter Eight**

Memo: I forgot to thank everyone for this earlier, but as of Chapter Seven there's been 1,000+ hits! I'm so excited! I don't think it ever got this much attention on Quizilla. Oh yes, and thank you to (takes a deep breath) vampgirl8, hp95, Raisins-And-Kleenex, Hot n' Exotic, CrazyGirlyCaptian, Jelly1029, Annie McPenguin, 4JaSmInE4, P3r50n, Lianna Weschester, and PuppyBekaCooper for all of the reviews so far. :) All of the Irish sayings can be found on the Internet. I keep forgetting to add this:

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own Artemis Fowl as I am not Eoin Colfer. However, I do own Jacob, (and Kris, Raleigh and Finnegan) so back off. Because we all know a boy who shoves food in his mouth is the best kind.**

_God is good, but don't dance in a small boat._

_-Irish Blessing_

The three of us had been sitting on Finn and Jacob's dorm room couch for the past half an hour. Occasionally, one of us would start a small conversation or crack a lazy joke. Mainly we just sat there. Usually on Fridays we would all hang out in my dorm and plan what we were doing in the next week and where we going for the weekend. Today was different. Today Artemis Fowl the Second was hanging out in my dorm room with my new very American very _female_ roommate. And none of us were interested in going to see if he'd left yet.

"So," Jacob asked, propping his feet up on the armrest. "When are yeh gonna tell 'er?"

I stared at him, momentarily confused. "Tell who about what?"

"Deidre." He elaborated, grinning at me. "Yeh've gotta tell 'er eventually. After all, yeh are kipping with a bird."

I shot him a short glare, raising one eyebrow. "Really," I said wryly. "Because I don't think I've noticed."

Finn chuckled good-naturedly as Jake pretended to be hurt. It was nice to know that this much hadn't changed, that this much would never change.

"Seriously though Raleigh. Deidre will be as mad as a hornet on steroids if you wait any longer." Jacob said sagely.

I raised an eyebrow at the weird analogy. Obviously someone had been hanging around with Kris for too long. Although I had to admit, I'm happy for Jacob. He hadn't actively pursued someone with this much vigor in years. It was good to know he was back to his cheerful, happy-go-lucky self again. He'd been a bit down since his Da died last summer. Maybe Kris would help him forget that.

Picking up the phone, I dialed Deidre's number.

It was only a couple of rings before Deidre picked up. Her voice, which was always sweet, seemed happier than it had been last time I called her. I vaguely wondered if she had caller ID.

"Hello?" she asked.

Finn was giving me the thumbs up and Jake was smiling largely. They must really be looking forward to seeing me get my ear chewed off my girlfriend.

"Hey Dei." I said, not hiding the smile that crept across my friend. I loved this girl.

Jake feigned throwing up. I flipped him off and he pretended to look hurt.

"Oh, hey Raleigh!" she said happily. In the background, I could hear her younger brother screaming about something. "How's the roommate?" Deidre asked.

Here I winced delicately. Pausing, I took a deep breath. How on earth was I going to word this? After a short minute I decided on, "Jake's in love. He hasn't stopped proposing."

Jake threw me a very dirty look as the line went silent.

"But," Deidre said, confused. "Jake's not…"

"Oh no," I said, visibly bracing myself for what was to come. "Jake's still very straight. A little out of luck maybe, but very …_very_ straight."

By now I was sure which was worse, the silence in Finn's dorm room or the silence on the end of the phone. I was praying desperately that Deidre's good faith in me would pull through and she would realize that I would never **ever** do anything that would harm her. When it came to my girlfriend, I was sort of a pushover.

"Do you mean to tell me," Deidre asked, her voice eerily calm and hinting at deadliness. "That you are sharing a room with a girl?" the last word came out as a hiss.

Finn shot me the thumbs up again, encouraging me to go on.

"Well," I said delicately. "…Yes. But Dei, I swear to God I didn't know she was a girl. Everyone thought it was going to be a guy. She goes by Kris, how were we supposed to know?" It was all spilling out now in a nervous attempt to calm her down. "And it's not like we share a bed or anything. Scratch that, it's not like I would even want to share a bed with her! In all honesty, Kris can get kind of annoying. You're the one that I love Deidre, you. You're my girlfriend. Kris is…" there a pause as I tried to find a word to sum up the _being_ that was Kris. "Kris is my annoying, celebrity-obsessed, border-line psychotic roommate. Deidre, she can't hold a candle to what you are to me."

"Damn right she can't." Deidre said at last. It was a grudging response, and I knew I was going to have to do some major kowtowing to make up for this on our next date, but she'd accepted. I still had all four major limbs and Deidre had accepted the fact I was spending my nights in the company of a different girl. Just in a way normally not associated with the term.

"Not at all." I soothed, breathing an audible sigh of relief. The smile I usually had when I talked to my girlfriend was creeping back again. "I'll see you in two weeks, okay? On our first free week-end."

"Alright." Deidre said, still not as happy as she had been a minute or two ago, but definitely happy enough to get me out of hot water. "I love you."

"I love you too." I said, although Jake seemed to be a little disappointed that the conversation was over. Hanging up, my smile widened and I couldn't resist slapping Finn a high five. That had gone over so much better than I had anticipated. It felt like a giant weight had just been lifted from my chest.

"Wait," Jake said incredulously. "That's it? No screaming? No large fight?" he looked like someone had just robbed him of a Christmas or something.

"Nope." I said happily. "Come on, let's go see if my dorm room in habitual again."

By the time we got down to my dorm, Jacob hadn't gotten out of his confused stupor. Part of me was seriously considering that he was wishing it would go terribly wrong, just so he wouldn't be the only one with relationship problems any more. It was shallow, and petty, but not exactly something I would put past my friend. He wasn't cruel, just a little bit desperate.

There was a loud noise coming from my dorm room. Through the closed door, it almost sounded like someone was beating a camel. But since the last time I checked Ireland was fresh out of camels, and trust me, I'd actually checked, it must be something else.

With an equally curious Finnegan and Jake right behind me, I turned the key its lock and opened the door.

There was Kris draped in her bed sheets, and doing what some people could call dancing. Other people may choose to call it pretending to have a seizure. I think the other thing she was doing could be called singing, but I'm still not sure.

"Sugar?" Jacob asked hesitantly, staring at her dubiously.

Kris turned to face us, her eyes over bright and her cheeks flushed with adrenaline. She clutched the navy blue bed sheet closer to her body. "Bren-Oh," Her voice and face both fell when she caught sight of Jake. "It's just you, Jake. What do you want?"

Poor Jake looked honestly hurt. I on the other hand, wanted to know who Kris had thought he was. There wasn't anyone in any of her classes who had a name that started in 'Bren'. Perhaps it was someone she'd known from the States…? But there weren't too many people who had quite the presence that Jake had. Unless there were more, er…_vertically challenged_ people in the States. Somehow, I doubted it.

"Come on sweetheart, we hang out here all the time, remember?" he said, pouting a little as he flopped himself down on our couch. The poor boy must be frustrated out of his mind. Girls are usually all over him.

Kris rolled her eyes, but the corner of her mouth twitched upwards. "Yeah," she said wryly. "I think I've noticed." Kris sat down next to Finn, who was making himself at home on her bed, and put her legs in his lap. "But I'm not in to the vertically challenged."

Finn and I couldn't contain our laughter at Jake's comical expression.

It was a short moment before Jacob found his voice again. "Well luckily for you Beautiful, I'm in to brunettes."

Shrugging it off playfully, Kris fanned herself gently.

"Oh yeah," Finn asked absently, looking around at the pictures on her bed stand. "I suppose congratulations are in order here."

Kris looked just as confused as I was, although Jake seemed to know what was coming. What where those two planning now…? I gave them both suspicious looks that they blatantly ignored.

Catching sight of my roommate's confusion, Finn explained. "You've officially been branded with the Deidre McCarthy: 'I Will Barely Tolerate Your Existence' seal of approval." He leaned forward to shake her hand and Kris's confusion grew.

"Who?" she asked, completely bewildered.

Jake shook her hand as well, laying a brief kiss on it before adding his own remarks. "Deidre McCarthy," he clarified, although Kris still looked confused. This was, as she was fond of saying, a Kodak moment. "Is County Wicklow's resident She Devil."

Scowling, I threw the nearest pillow at Jake's head. It hit him square on as he continued.

"She also happens to be our favorite young mister Raleigh's girlfriend. Although how he stands being in the same room with her, I will never know…"

I was too busy shooting the pair of them murderous looks to notice the look of utter amazement that Kris was sending my way.

"You have a girlfriend?" she asked, a look of shock in her eyes. The way she said it sounded like she was accusing me of murder.

"Yes, I have a girlfriend." I said impatiently, my hazel eyes dark. Was it really that big of a shocker? Just because Jake was horrible with relationships and Finn liked looking better than dating didn't mean I had to share either of their traits. "Why is that such a surprise?"

Kris merely shook her head in amazement. After fanning herself for a few more seconds, she frowned. "I'm really hot!" She complained. "I'm turning on the air conditioning." Getting up, she abandoned the bed sheets and walked across the room.

Two things happened at once. First was Jake who, in response to her first statement and her newly visible of boxer shorts and a tank top, exclaimed: "Yes you are!" as loudly as he could. I noticed her outfit around the same time, and turned my head away, blushing profusely. Throwing a blanket at the area I guessed her head should be occupying, I gritted my teeth painfully.

"For the love of Christ, Kris!" I growled through my gritted teeth.

"What?" she asked sounded genuinely startled. "What am I doing wrong now?"

"Nothing." Jake said happily. "Nothing at all."

"Shut up Jake." Both Kris and I snapped as Finn chuckled gently in the background.

"Well Fine Young Gentleman," Kris demanded, using the nickname she'd given me when we first met. "If you don't mind, will tell me exactly what I'm doing that's so hideously wrong?" I could just imagine her pose right now. She was probably standing with her hands on her hips, her chin jutting out just like Ciara's does when she's rash with me, and sending me glares that would kill a small mammal.

"Put some clothes on!" I hissed, stubbornly staring at my clock.

"Raleigh," Kris said patiently, and there was laughter in her voice now. "I'm wearing clothes."

"No, those are not clothes." I said, now mentally abusing my clock. Girls were infuriating.

"What do you think they are then, ice cubes?" she shot back sarcastically. "Listen Raleigh, to me, these are like pajamas, _a perfectly acceptable form of clothing_. And when it gets hot in here, this is what I'm going to wear. You have sisters, don't you? Grow a backbone."

Skip the mental abuse. I'm heading straight for the mental axe heads.

* * *

The time flew by and soon Finn, Jake and I were sitting around my bed, which we had transformed into a giant table. A large and freakishly accurate drawing of our school grounds was lying in the center. Also on the bed was a list of all the pranks we had pulled during the years, a list of people who we had deemed 'off-limits' and were prank immune, as well as several colored pens and various markers. The three of us had managed to smuggle three of the large, plush covered chairs from the corridor and had squeezed them around my bed. I will have to admit; these meetings were a whole lot easier when I was the only one in my dorm room. They were also easier when there wasn't a barely clothed teenage girl in the background humming show tunes.

"Kristina," Finn asked patiently, his light eyes barely showing his impatience.

The girl in question looked up from her computer, blinking. "Yeah Finn?" She asked politely.

Oh, of course she can talk to Finn without spurting out something sarcastic and annoying.

"It's not like I don't love your singing voice," Here he paused to kick me in the shin as I snorted gently. "But we're trying to concentrate here. Can you find some other way to entertain yourself?"

Kris flushed slightly. "Oh, oops. Sure thing, Finnegan." She said guiltily before ducking back down behind her computer screen with her lips pressed tightly together.

"So," Jake said, leaning over to get a better look at the map. "Two week intervals, then? That sounds like enough time to let the school recover." His voice was full of impish excitement.

"Sounds good to me." I said readily as Finn nodded his agreement. "So now we just-"

_Fwoop!_ A wadded up piece of paper hit me in the temple.

I turned to glare at Kris. The computer screen covered most of her face, but I could see that the corners of her mouth had curled up into a content, evil sort of smile. Part of me wondered if she really thought that she was that secretive. Another part of me reasoned that she knew it was obvious, and clearly just enjoyed messing with my head. Determined not to let this girl get the better of me, I continued on as if nothing had happened.

"Now we just need a really good prank. Something no one's ever-"

_Fwoop!_ Another wadded up piece of paper was aimed at my head. It hit my cheek this time.

When I snapped around to send her another glare, she was staring innocently back at me. The computer was closed now, and an open notebook lay by her side.

"What?" she asked, feigning surprise. "_I_ don't know who's hitting you. Maybe we've got a squirrel problem or something. They're not as peaceful as they look, you know." Kris said matter-of-factly.

Growling slightly, I turned back around. "As I was saying, it has to be something no one's ever seen or done before. So let's start thinking-"

_Fwoop, Fwoop!_ Two paper wads this time, both of them bouncing off the back of my head. I could hear Kris trying very hard not to giggle in the background.

"Squirrels?" She quipped innocently as I turned around again. Narrowing my eyes slightly, I gave her a stern glare before refocusing for what seemed like the fifteenth time.

There was an edge of forced calm to my voice as I continued. Jake and Finn both looked mildly amused by this whole ordeal, and smiles lingered around their lips as I began to talk.

"Just start thinking of some really good ideas for next-"

_Fwoop, Fwoop, Fwoop!_

That. Was. **It!**

Turning around with murder in my eyes, I began to rise from my chair. The furiously giggling Kris didn't look nearly as happy as I began to move towards her bed.

"Just Raleigh?" She said nervously, scrambling off the top of her bed with a wary look in her eyes. "It was the squirrels, really, I swear! Come on Raleigh, we can do this peacefully…" Kris giggled nervously, waving her hands in the air as I got closer. "Let's just be sensible here, I really don't think-" She paled slightly as I turned into the kitchenette and grabbed something out of one of the drawers. "DON'T YOU DARE!"

Don't worry, you'll find out what Raleigh does to Kris pretty much immediately in Chapter Nine. :) Remember the Rapid Review Rabbit! He's so lonely...


	9. A Glimmer of Worth

**:There's A **_**Girl**_** At St. Bartleby's!: Chapter Nine**

Memo: I must be doing something right if I've got six reviews waiting for me the day after the next chapter comes out. Plus, this has 2,500+ views! I don't know how I can thank any of you enough, seriously. So here's a big cheer to: breakingdawn7, Artemis J. Halk, IheartJake IheartAlice, maggierg09, xLzR, hp05, Cassie Cullen0094, Shakespeare Freakazoid, CrazyGirlyCaptain, jaredfan, islay12, Hot N' Exotic & Yoji natsu, for the new reviews. A little note on the canon-ness of the rest of the story: I'm making up this plot line, but it takes place roughly some time after AF4. Yes, I am twisting some things to my advantage. Creative license, it's really amazing…

**Disclaimer: Last time I checked, I wasn't Eoin Colfer. Damn.**

**:Story Start:**

"_**So please, baby please.**_

_**Open your heart**_

_**Catch my disease"**_

There were certainly advantages to being the one boy in the school no one else would room with. For one, there was no one to bother you when you required absolute silence. If I wanted it quiet, it was quiet. This was especially useful when, as I often did, you needed a good hour or two to simply sit, and think.

Holly had given me a new case to consult. It was going to be interesting to see how this one turned out. This was going to be a bit trickier than her other cases. Mulch said that there might be goblin interactions included. Smiling, I sat down on the thickly carpeted floor, a tape recorder by my side, and closed my eyes. It was time to do what I did best.

I was interrupted by the sound of frantic knocking on my door. Only one person in this school full of morons that would willingly talk to me, and I was not in the mood to talk to her.

There was a small frown line forming between my eyebrows. The stress of being around a teenage girl could not be worth time in her actual presence. Hormones could be easily kept at bay, and thoughts could be controlled. The best way to deal with Miss Smith was to simply not deal with her at all. Some say that ignorance is bliss. Well, I could use a little bliss in my life. Smiling wryly at the thought, I closed my eyes and went back to ignoring the knocking on my door.

Holly would need to know about this plan first-hand, it wasn't something that was easily transferred over a hand-held radio. Getting in touch with her wouldn't be difficult, but getting her up to the surface was a whole different story… While the only sign of my deep thoughts was a slightly crease between my eyebrows, my mind was churning. As I had been constantly reminded, visas to the surface and help from Foaly were not perks that non-LEP agents were graced with. There had to be another way, a _better_ way…

"Artemis!" Kris's voice whined from outside my door, jerking me out of my thoughts.

Ignore her and she'll have no choice but to go away. I told myself as I tried to settle back down and continue doing something _important._

"Come on Artemis, it's not funny anymore. And really, it was actually sort of funny for the first ten minutes. The looks I've been getting? Oh yeah, they're great." For reasons I will never know, she actually sounded happy. "But not so much right now. So, can you come…err open the door now? Because I really like this laptop, and throwing at your door in an attempt to make it open itself isn't really something I would want to happen. So, please come open the door. For the laptops sake?" now there was a hopeful note to the end of her voice.

I wondered how much more of this I was going to be able to take. She was good at being ridiculous, and rebutting people wasn't nearly as fun if I couldn't watch their faces. Shaking my head gently, I made myself close my eyes just a little bit tighter and take a deep breath. Remember the hormones. I scolded. Remember that she is a distraction, and that she has no use to any of your plans.

Just as I was about to finally get something done, there was a loud _thud _from outside my door. Undoubtedly, that could only be the sound of Kris's laptop hitting my doorframe. Well, that proves it. Kris was absolutely ridiculous. There was a short pause before yet another _thud_ followed by Kris's loud: "Ouch! That was not supposed to happen! Ouch!!"

Abandoning all futile attempts to ignore the girl any longer, I got up and opened the door to my dorm.

There was Kris, standing a few feet away with a look of hurt surprise on her face as she rubbed her head. Under her arm was a suitcase that appeared to be filled with picture frames, as well as a coat and a stuffed animal. In her other arm was her laptop case. And her head…what had happened to her **hair**?

"Kris," I said flatly. "Your hair is blue."

Her lip quirked up slightly. "Really? I hadn't noticed before. Now hurry up and let me in before Raleigh shows up armed with something a bit more threatening that Kool-Aid hair dye."

And that was how Kristina Smith had weaseled her way into my dorm room. It was also how she managed to take what had been a perfectly calm and planned out afternoon and shatter it in to thousands of little pieces. There was no sense in tackling my fairy problems until she was gone. After all, I was in no way interested in breaking the unspoken truce between myself and the LEP: you keep your genius mouth shut about us, and we'll leave you alone. They were in no way interested in a possible relapse, and besides I had proved useful to the People before. As for me, I did not want to spend valuable time thinking of another way to trick the mind wipe. What I _wanted_ was to work on this case.

While I sent irritated glares in her direction, she was busy dropping her stuff all over my floor and rubbing her bruised cranium.

"You don't mind if I stay here?" she asked over her shoulder as she began setting her stuff down on the spare table and eyeing the extra bed with interest.

It didn't sound like much of a question.

"Do I have a choice?" I responded tersely.

Kristina at least had the dignity to look slightly guilty. "Not really." Was her hesitant response. "I really doubt Raleigh's gonna be super happy with me when he catches sight of his forehead. Or his arms for that matter…It sort of makes me wish I had unpacked my pepper spray. Because I have a feeling I'm definitely going to need some protection." Kris sighed, walking over and opening the dorm's small window.

Despite myself, I found my interest piquing. She glanced back at me as I opened my mouth, smiling mysteriously.

"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies, Artemis." She sang happily, a defiant glint in her eyes.

All former interest vanished and was replaced by minor irritation. This was the exact line I had fed her last night, after she had persisted to bug me about my social life, or lack there of. It was a childish comeback; of this I am completely aware. However, it had worked. And that was all that mattered.

There was now an uncomfortable silence between us. Kristina blushed very slightly and let out a gusty sigh.

"Hey Artemis, I'll make you a deal." She said, walking over to sit down on the edge of the previously untouched bed. When I said nothing in return, the girl continued. "If you let me stay here until Raleigh bucks up the nerve to actually come and get me from your room, I pinkie promise that I will leave you alone until Tuesday afternoon. No talking to you in classes, no dropping by your dorm room, no nothing."

I kept silent for a brief moment. It was a tempting offer, and as far as I could tell, there were no loopholes or secret clauses. Giving her a critical one-over to insure that her body language was as relaxed and trusting as ever, I nodded once.

"Great!" Kristina said, smiling at me widely. She got off the bed and stopped in front of me, the pinkie finger of her right hand extended towards me.

Pausing, I arched one eyebrow in the direction of her extended finger. "What are you doing Miss Sm-Kris?" I asked, remembering vividly how many times I had been spritzed in the face the night prior.

"It's for our pinkie promise. I guess you never did this as a kid." She explained, and took my right hand with her left, drawing it out and away from my body. "Here, you just put out your pinkie like so," she carefully stretched out my pinkie finger before linking it with her own. "And then you just sort of shake." Kris finished; shaking our joined fingers up and down once, as if we had just shook hands. "Now it's a done deal, no going back."

With that said and done she gave me a brief smile before going back down to sit on the vacant bed. Blinking just once, I gave my right hand a quick glance. It was rather warm. So, that was how children made promises…

The peaceful truce seemed to hang in the air between us. Several minutes past and Kris situated herself back on to the bed. I was sitting with my back to her, facing the window. Once again, I was attempting to pull myself back into the state of utter calm that I required to do some of my best thinking. Kristina was being blessedly quiet. The only noise coming from her direction was an occasionally giggle or yawn along with the constant tap of a keyboard. This comfortable silence lasted only for about twenty minutes and was interrupted, once again, by a loud banging at my door. I seemed to be quite popular these days. It wasn't something I enjoyed.

"Kristina Nicole Smith!" Raleigh O'Connor's voice sounded from the hallway, none too happy. "If you aren't out here in ten seconds, I'm coming in there and _dragging_ you out!"

I opened one eye in time to see Kris pop off the bed, gathering her things.

"Well," she said. "Isn't someone happy this morning?"

It was a rhetorical question, but I couldn't help but snort in disbelief.

"Keep your pants on Just Raleigh!" She hollered back at him, picking up the last of her items from my dresser. "No wait, take them off. That would make everything so much funnier…" Kris giggled.

The only response that Raleigh gave her was a deep, irritated growl.

Kristina rolled her eyes before stopping in front of my door. Turning back to face me, she gave a small smile and waved gently before turning around and leaving.

Only a minute after her blue-haired head disappeared from my sight, the small hand-held radio that I had carefully hidden out of sight crackled to life. Blinking just once, I hurried to pick it up. Holly was contacting me. What a welcome distraction.

"Yes, Holly? I haven't had much time to think of a good plan. Regrettably, I have been…" here I paused, trying to find the best word. "Distracted."

Either the perfectly clear connection between the two radios was finally failing, or Holly was having a good giggle at the thought of me distracted. My ego preferred option one.

"You're getting slow Mud Boy. Who's the girl?"

I had not told Holly about Kristina. Nor had I talked to her since the start of classes. How could she know about the girl she had never heard of? It wasn't possible. Unless, unless she was here and snuck in somehow during the confusion.

Cursing slightly to myself, my eyes quickly found of a patch of air in the corner near the still open window that seemed to be just a little bit hazy. As I stared at it, the haze began to take shape. The outline of a small human-like body began to form. Soon Ex-Captain and LEP malcontent Holly Short was hovering over the stark carpet of my room.

"I never invited you in." I said, my mind churning as I tried to stop myself from sulking. Clearly I had been hanging around Kristina too long.

Holly grinned. "No, you didn't. But the girl did, indirectly. Remember, she asked for protection, which can roughly translate into a cry for help. Vinyaya will understand."

Vinyaya…that name seemed familiar. "Ah yes." I said as it came to me. "One of the Council members. She was fond of Julius Root."

Holly nodded. "She's not on the Council anymore. Now, she does something a little bit different."

Looking at my almost friend, I noticed that something was different. For one, she was on first name basis with one of the ex-Council members. In addition, although she had given up police work, she wasn't in civilian attire. Instead, she was wearing something that appeared to be a blackout suit.

Holly noticed my critical gaze and gave a Chesire cat grin. "Oh yeah, I'm a Sector Eight girl now. But as you can imagine, I didn't really come here to trade stories and start a knitting circle."

I raised a critical eyebrow. As if I would ever be caught at something as ridiculous as a knitting circle. "Well then Miss Short, do you mind telling me exactly what you are here for?"

Holly stopped hovering now, and let her feet touch the floor. The smile on her green face was a little bit unnerving. Whatever Holly was here for, it must be serious to merit her showing up at school chalked full of Mud People in the middle of the day. The People preferred to operate at nighttime, when there was less of a chance that they would be seen.

"You first." She bartered, leaving me momentarily confused. "Who's the Mud Girl? I heard you call her Kris."

I frowned, my eyes narrowing. Surely, she had not come all this way to listen to me talk about Kristina. However, I appeased her, knowing that the conversation would go nowhere until I did. "Kristina is our first American exchange student. There was a mix-up in the files obviously, and that idiotic Board of Directors thought she was a boy. She seems to be hanging on to the idea that I would sorely love to be friends with my halfwit classmates and has resigned to give me 'friend lessons'."

If possible, Holly's grin grew even wider. "Really? And you couldn't talk your way out it? Whatever happened to Artemis the genius?"

My frown turned into a scowl and I said, rather briskly. "You're here for something Holly?"

"Right," she said, suddenly all business. "Sorry about that Artemis. There's no need to continue the old case I gave you. Mulch and I have been handed something else to deal with." I retained the sarcastic comeback waiting on my tongue and let her continue. No was not the time. "A group of rogue fairies escaped from an Atlantean high security prison last week. The LEP hasn't been able to figure out how they managed it. According to their cell readings, they're all locked up, but there's no one inside."

I nodded. It was my turn to be serious now. "You want me to figure out how they did it." I stated.

To my surprise, Holly shook her head. "No, we're leaving that to Foaly. You see, there's more to it then just that."

As Holly explained, my scowl began to change into an almost vampire-like grin. Excellent. My current situation could be useful after all. It was time for a certain Miss Kristina Smith to show her worth.

Remember the Rapid Review Rabbit. He gets lonely. Sorry this took so long. I will try to get better at this 'updating' business.

* * *


	10. The Repercussions of Justice Jeans

Memo: Oh. My. Goodness. Can I just tell you that you guys are seriously the most amazing bunch of fans an authoress could ever dream of having? Because I am seriously stunned right now. Chapter Nine has been out two days. Just two days, but it already has** 11 **reviews. Wow. In addition, this Reader Traffic thing? Best feature ever. Did you know people in Bulgaria are reading this? That's so exciting! That's so beyond exciting. I can always hold on to the thin hope that it's my good friend who lives there in the summer, but that hope is slim. Oh well. (Someone from Ireland read this too…I'm feeling the pressure now. And I hope they reviewed…) I never even thought people in India and Australia and other wonderful places would WANT to read this. I'm blown away right now. Anyway, enjoy Chapter Ten. You've earned it.

Too excited to list all the reviewers. You know who you are. You know you rock my world. The Rabid Review Bunny has never been so well feed. TAKE THE POLL!

Really long A/N, sorry. But for later, Caoimhe name is spelt differently when Kris says it because that's how she assumes, based on pronunciation, it is spelt.

:**Story Start:**

As hard it is to believe, things were relatively calm after that. Well, it was calm, until I had to explain to Raleigh exactly what the words I had scrawled across his forehead with a Neon Pink Sharpie meant. As the writing on his arms (I Love Barbie in big, curly-q writing), I think he was just trying really hard not to think about it. It was also a lot easier to hide your arms then your forehead. Maybe I'd gone a little bit overboard with this whole 'revenge' notion. …And maybe he shouldn't have dyed my hair blue. I am a summer, not a winter.

I was pulled out of my thoughts as Raleigh jerked me back in to our dorm room.

His face was quite a lovely shade of red, which I wouldn't say really went well with the Neon Pink Sharpie. But that was just a theory…

"What in the hell," He started, putting emphasis on the last word. "Are the _Jeans of Justice?_"

I snickered happily. The only thing better than writing 'Property of the Jeans of Justice' across Raleigh's forehead was knowing that since Ireland didn't have CBS, he wouldn't have the faintest clue what it meant. Let me tell you, confusion is a really good look for Raleigh.

"Oh yes," I said nonchalantly, skipping over to my bed. "The good 'ole Jeans of Justice."

Raleigh was practically snarling at me. "Yes, the good 'ole Jeans of Fricking Justice. Now tell me what the hell they _are_!"

I smiled angelically up at him. "The Jeans of Justice, my Fine Young Gentleman, are worn by the one and only Don Eppes from the best TV-series of all time, Numb3rs." Here I threw my giant poster a reverent look, and caught Raleigh throwing it a very irreverent one. It appeared he was catching hold of where this conversation was heading. "Said jeans, when worn by said amazing actor, happen to portray certain _ass_ets of his body quite well. Hence, the Jeans of Justice."

There was little to no expression on my roommates face as he replied. "They're called the Jeans of Justice because they make his ass look nice."

"Wow!" I said happily, bouncing up and down. "You catch on fast!"

Raleigh continued as if he hadn't heard me. "You then made me property of these, these…Justice Jeans."

I nodded serenely. "You know," part of me couldn't help but informing him. "There's even a Jeans of Justice _League._"

Raleigh stared at me calmly, gave himself a good look-over in the mirror, and said in an eerily happy calm, "I'm going to kill you."

"Eep!" I said, stumbling off the bed. "Now remember, its violence that got into this whole mess." Raleigh gave me a dirty look as I flashed the peace sign before running and locking myself in the bathroom.

**.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.**

It was Monday now, and I was sitting in my French III class, bored out of my mind. Honestly, I wasn't really good at French at all. But back in Seattle, I'd needed three years of one language. By then I was sick of Spanish, and it came down to suffering through the mundane French classes or taking Japanese and watch my G.P.A. flush itself down the drain. So I'd settled on French class, and was now thoroughly regretting it. Why on Earth did French have to be so _**boring?**_I mean honestly. It was all I could do to not fall asleep or slam my head repeatedly against the desk.

Of course, I had this class with Raleigh and Artemis, but Raleigh was across the room sitting with Finn, and I wasn't allowed to talk to Artemis until tomorrow. When I snuck glances at roommate and his friend, it seemed like they were actually paying attention. Well, at least Finn was. Finn was actually staring at the teacher with a look of rapture I had never seen on his face. Raleigh was too, now that I think of it. They were probably thinking of what she looked like shirtless. Unless they were really and truly interested in verb tenses. Which I highly doubted, those filthy Irish perverts.

As for Artemis, I was completely ignoring him as promised. It was harder than I'd thought it would be. Not because he was on my mind all the time, because he wasn't. I wasn't like Shelby, I didn't need to be thinking of boys every second of my life. No, it was difficult because _he _kept looking at _me!_

The boy kept shooting these looks that I just couldn't make sense of. They were thoughtful, but not in the way a boy's gaze ought to be if he were thinking thoughtful things about a girl. Not the way Brendan's eyes used to get thoughtful about me before he went and did the Unspeakable Act of Treason and Heart-breaking Potential, or UATHP for short, back in September. But I was over that now, and Artemis was still shooting me looks. The type of looks that suggested something might be afoot and made a girl squirm uncomfortably in her seat. Which I promptly did.

Trying to keep my mind off the puzzling boy three rows back and his Looks, I settled on thinking about something much happier, uplifting, and in no way, shape or form as confusing as Artemis: Yesterday.

**.:.:.:.:.:.Flashback.:.:.:.:.:.**

"So," I asked calmly, walking a few paces behind Raleigh as he led me on what seemed to be a beautiful tour of the grounds. Not like I didn't need it, because I sort of did, but it seemed an odd way to pass a Sunday afternoon. Finn and Jake weren't even tagging along, which was practically an all-time first. "Exactly where are we headed?"

Raleigh was walking in front of me, his hands stuffed into his pockets. He was wearing a tank top, why I'm really not sure because it's not like Ireland is known for warm, balmy autumns, and the words 'I Love Barbie' were beginning to fade from his sink. This was helped along by the one and a half hours he'd spent vigorously rubbing himself with soap (_my _soap, might I add) in our bathroom. This is especially helpful when a girl wants to shower. Not.

"Home." He said simply.

I took it this meant his home, since although I wouldn't be surprised if this school _did_ have it's own airport somehow I highly doubt it.

The real question is 'why are you dragging me with you!'

Of course, when I asked him this, Raleigh apparently didn't feel like gracing me with an answer. Instead, he turned around and gave me a mysterious smile before tweaking my not-yet-back-to-its-normal-colored hair.

The O'Connor's house was relatively small, but had the most wonderfully homey look to it. The house itself was whitewashed, and had a black tiled roof. There were several windows and the door leading inside was a cheerful red color. Outside the house was a garden full of sturdy-looking plants and vegetables. To my utter delight, further back, almost hidden from view, there was a small swing set. I loved swings; they were my favorite part of every park.

Raleigh caught my excited gaze and his mouth twitched up. "I've got a little sister." I explained. "Caoimhe might even let you play with her, if she thinks you're trust-worthy enough. Not just anyone gets to go on that swing set."

"Keivey?" I asked, testing the name out on my tongue.

Raleigh nodded as what appeared to be a small mass of black curly hair came dashing out of the door. He gave a small smile, his eyes kind, and sunk into a crouch.

"Raleigh!" the mass of curls, which I could now see was a little girl that looked about Hope's age. "You came home to see me!" She ran straight at my roommate before launching herself into the air, a large smile plastered to her face.

The boy in question caught the child with practiced ease and swung her around, laughing slightly. "Caoimhe! Good to see you again, molly."

"Molly?" I said, completely confused now. "I thought you said your sister's name was _Keivey!_"

Raleigh laughed. "Molly is slang for girl here, Kris. Yeh've really got to get used to it."

There was movement from inside the house. "Is that my boy I hear outside? My baby boy came home to see his own family at last?"

Once again Raleigh turned beet red, and Caoimhe giggled and poked his cheek playfully. "Christ, it's only been eight days since she's seen me. And she wonders why I never bring friends over." Still grumbling moodily, he stuffed Caoimhe into my arms before stalking off.

Smiling down at the wriggling little girl in my arms, I leaned my face in towards hers. "What do you say we make a date with your swing set?" I asked grandly, as Caoimhe clapped.

And that was how I had found myself pushing Raleigh's younger sister on the swing set behind their house, laughing and giggling as if she was my own flesh and blood. It made me think guiltily of Hope, who worried about me everyday, but there would be plenty of time for calling them later today…

"Higher!" Caoimhe giggled. "Push me higher Kris!"

I willingly obliged, pushing the girl with all the strength my arms could muster. Now this was way to spend an afternoon. There was nothing to worry about out here in the O'Connor's backyard. There were no boys dyeing your hair weird colors or mysteriously switching between ignoring you and tolerating your existence. Nor were there mysterious, introverted genius boys to puzzle over. No one had asked me to marry them, or stopped walking down a hallway to give me a good stare. It didn't matter that I was still irritated with Raleigh for what he'd done. The sky was a calming, overcast gray color and I was having the time of my life.

"May I teach you a song sweetie?" I asked, still pushing her.

I could see Caoimhe bobbing her head up and down.

Smiling, I slowed down my pushing to explain. "When I was your age, I sang this song with my friends all the time. It's called the Telephone Song." As I was explaining, Raleigh walked out of the house into the backyard. Grinning slightly to myself, I continued as if I hadn't noticed. "And I'm going to show you how it works by singing it your dear brother." By now I had almost stopped pushing.

"Hey Raleigh!" I sang, my natural soprano voice lilting.

"What do you want?" he asked, glancing my way casually, somewhat thrown off by the singing.

"Hey Raleigh!" I sang again, as Caoimhe stopped the swing to gaze at us curiously.

"Seriously Kris, what do you want?" he asked, vexed.

"You're wanted on the telephone!" I sang back happily.

He glanced around once before throwing me a deadpan-annoyed look. "We're outside, eejit."

It's not like I didn't mind being called an idiot in Irish slang, that much I had picked up on in the past week, because I totally did. However, I was still teaching Caoimhe a song and it was not good manners to insult someone right back in the middle of a lesson.

"Relax Just Raleigh." I teased. "It's just a song. Although I don't think you know the right responses."

Hazel eyes serious, Raleigh took a step towards me, his jaw set. "Then teach me." He breathed.

Hole. Lee. Crap on a stick. I'm restarting my heart now, I swear to God I am. Apparently, completely serious is _also_ a good look on Raleigh.

Taking a deep, heart-restarting breath, I explained. "Well, first I pick a person. Say it's you again. And I say, 'Hey Raleigh.' Then you respond with, 'I think I hear my name.' After that I say 'Hey Raleigh' again except this time you respond, 'I think I hear it again.' To that, I reply, 'You're wanted on the telephone.' You pick someone else near by and reply, 'Well if it's not Insert Person of Your Choice HERE, then I'm not home!' and it sort of just continues on like that." I finished lamely with a vague wave of my hands.

There was an awkward pause in which Raleigh looked at me with vaguely curious eyes and Caoimhe kicked her feet in the dirt. Then the little girl saved my poor, awkward soul by chirping: "Let's try it!"

**.:.:.:.:.:End Flashback.:.:.:.:.:.**

I barely noticed the bell when it rang, except to note that it was finally the end of that horrible French class. Of course, we left with an insane amount of what I called homework but what Finn and Raleigh insisted on calling 'eccers'. After French class we dragged ourselves off to Yoga, which blissfully quiet and Artemis-free. Raleigh informed me then that he probably wasn't going to be back in the dorm for a couple of hours, because he and Jake had a Gaelic project due the next day. This was welcome news. I really needed a shower, and we had both agreed that it would be better to take showers when the other wasn't there to accidently walk in, or see you walking out.

By the end of the day, I was so glad to see my dorm room that I quite literally hugged my bed. And the best part? No one else was around to laugh at me for it.

After my Bed-And-Kris bonding session, I decided that hygiene should really be next on my list. Not only was I covered with chlorine from my swimming class, but I also hadn't had a chance to shower since I returned from my visit with Caoimhe (who had demanded I return soon and teach her another song) as Raleigh had promptly buried himself in his pile of homework and refused to move.

The shower was blessedly warm after the chilly Irish October weather that was playing on outside.

For a while I just let the hot water run.

Ireland was very…different from anything I'd ever seen and anywhere I'd ever been. The language was different, my mom must have been lying when she'd said that I didn't need to worry because everyone over here spoke English anyway. This English wasn't exactly the one I was used to. (I mean, _eccers?_) For gods' sake, they even swore differently over here. No one seemed to have any problem using the f-word to strengthen a sentence or adjective, but the word 'feck' seemed to be off-limits. I'd heard Finn and Jake call girls 'birds', which I'd thought only happened in England.

The language aside, it's not like the people were any different from those back in the States. Most of them, except for maybe Raleigh and Artemis, were actually really nice. I felt almost at home here. Sure, it would be nice to have some teenage estrogen around for relief purposes, but these Irish boys weren't too bad. Well, they weren't too bad when they were taking a break from being confusing, irritating and childish. But that wasn't too much different from the way that Andrew, Kyle and Brandon behaved, so I guess it was just a boy thing.

The hot water was running out fast, so I finished up before the cold had time to kick in again.

Grabbing one of the thick, fluffy towels from off of the counter, I shot my hair one look in the mirror before deciding it was altogether impossible and would have to be dealt with later. Humming a song under my breath, I gave my head one good shake before opening the door and heading back into the room to search for some clean pajamas.

I was expecting the room to be empty and dark. What I was _not_ expecting was to see **Artemis**sitting on my bed like this was an everyday occurrence and the dorm had totally not been completely locked when I entered the bathroom.

That was really creepy. How did he get in here? I did **not** remember giving him a key. And I was sure as hell that Raleigh hadn't given him one either.

"Artemis!" I shrieked, clutching my towel to me like my life depended on it, eyes as wide as saucers. "What in gods name are you doing here?!"

Artemis turned, caught sight of me, turned a very bright shade of red, and promptly stumbled over himself as he tried to get up and fell over. Once he regained his upright position, the genius squeezed his eyes shut, and began fumbling around my room for a door.

I stood there, stunned, surprised and furious and watched as he tripped over my still-not-completely unpacked suitcase and cursed slightly. Still fumbling around, he turned away from the door and towards the balcony before promptly running face-first into the wall.

There was a loud _thud!_ And I didn't have the chance to relish the fact that, for once, it hadn't been caused me before Artemis was on his butt on our floor, his hands clasped over his eyes.

It was at this choice moment that Raleigh opened the dorm room door. He took one look at the pair of us, me with my back against a wall still clutching my towel, to Artemis sitting on the floor with his eyes still squeezed shut before shaking his head. With a deep sigh, Raleigh muttered something along the lines of: "I really don't want to know…" before turning around and leaving.

And the week had only just begun.

* * *

Thank you (again) everyone for your reviews last chapter! The Rapid Review Rabbit loves you all. There is a poll up on my homepage concerning this story, you should go take it. (hint hint)


	11. Mothers Lead to Nightmares

**:There's A **_**Girl **_**At St. Bartleby's!: Chapter Eleven**

Memo: 21 reviews for last chapter. Have I told you all how amazing you all are? Because it's a pretty large amount of amazing. Everyone one of you should get a giant shiny medal and a hug from Raleigh. (He's really cuddly, you dontcha know.) Okay, my never-ending love and devotion aside, I totally forgot what else I was going to say…oh yes! Sorry this took so long. As you can see from my homepage, I sold my soul to AP classes and let the drama department take out a loan. I'll get it back eventually, folks. In the meantime, I'll update when I can. Thanks to Quoteninja4 and i.really.need.a.life.badly. for helping/mentally bullying me into writing this. Sorry this one is a little bit shorter than usual. But hey, it IS an update…right?

Melted... very tired

Omadhaun... a bit of a fool

**Disclaimer: Oh please, I don't even own this computer.**

**:Story Start:**

"Life's too short not to be Irish!"

-Irish Saying

Neither Kris nor I mentioned the most recent Fowl Encounter, as I was prone to calling them now, at all over the next three days. In fact, the only time she ever mentioned it was to ask if I'd happened to give Artemis a room key. The girl was clearly going crazy. My raised eyebrow and critical silence was obviously enough of an answer for her, because she had let it drop. After all, it wasn't as if I'd ever made my dislike for the boy secret. To be fair, it wasn't as if he didn't deserve it. The other day, I'd seen him coming out of Finn and Jake's room when Jake wasn't around. If I hadn't promised Finn I would come around to watch some TV with him, I'd have followed the little slime and demand to know what the pair had talked about. I didn't want him anywhere near Finnegan after what Fowl had done to him first year.

The sound of a phone ringing jolted to me out of my reverie. Our school provided phone was ringing loudly, and Kris looked up at it, surprised. What on Earth was going on? No one _ever_ used those stupid phones. You couldn't make calls between rooms, so what was the point? In fact, the only people who ever used them were the parents. Since my parents obviously didn't need to use a phone, it must be one of Kris's.

Despite myself, I felt my curiosity peaking. What would her parents be like? Surely, they must be completely off their rocker, to produce something like Kris.

"I guess I'll get that then." Kris mumbled when I made no move to answer it. It was obviously her parents, so let her deal with them. Frankly, I'd had enough of Kris's problems for one week.

"Hello?" She said her face just as curious as mine. The caller must have answered her, for Kris's face automatically dropped and she rolled her eyes. "Hello Mother." My roommate replied dully.

I continued to watch with interest, hearing only half of the conversation that appeared to be getting somewhat heated.

"Don't you Kristina Nicole me!" Kris said hotly, her face melting into the stubborn set I had begun to dread. "I was going to call you when I felt like it!" There was a pause, and Kris started making faces at the wall. "Yes I _know_ I talked to Shelby before I called you, my cell phone doesn't work over here." Another pause. "Yes, she told me Hope was worried…did she tell you everything I said? No? Really?" She was now scowling at the wall. I wouldn't fancy being this Shelby person when Kris got a hold of her. "No she wasn't _supposed_ to but it would've been awfully nice! Why are you asking about my roommate Mother, I thought you were mad at me?" There was a longer pause here. "Oh, so Shelby told you about Artemis? No, no…it's not like that at all." Her voice was growing increasingly frustrated. "You know what, Mother? I've found a better way to do this. Just talk to my roommate, why don't you? Then you'll get to know all about them without having to go through me. I'm sure you'll both be very happy about it." The ringing sarcasm in her voice was hard to miss. What was she doing…?

"Here." She said forcefully, thrusting the phone in my face. I blinked at her, surprised. "Talk to my mother. I will be in the bathroom, taking a bubble bath, and pretending that the world outside the bathroom door does not exist." Talk about TMI. Kris was still furious as she stalked off, slamming the 'walk-in closet' door as she went.

"Err, hello?" I said hesitantly, holding the phone up to my ear.

"Who is this?" A voice that could only belong to Kris's mother sounded through the phone. Her tone was sharp and stressed.

"This is Raleigh O'Connor. Pleased to meet you marm, you must be Mrs. Smith." Was my polite reply. Just because I occasionally had problems with her daughter does not mean I couldn't be polite to her.

"I thought Krissy was handing the phone to her roommate." Mrs. Smith sounded very confused. Surely she had some idea that she'd shipped her eldest daughter off to an all-boys boarding school. I mean, seriously, it's a detail that's sort of hard to miss.

"She did marm," I said patiently.

"No." Well, now I know where Kris got her mulish streak. "You are a boy. They don't room boys and girls together. Not even in Ireland."

Now that stung. Trying to keep my voice as cool and collected as I could, I choked out a civil reply. "Kris was a…special case, marm. However, she did agree to room with me, Mrs. Smith. It isn't as if we didn't give her the chance to opt out."

"Are you suggesting," Mrs. Smith replied with such an offended tone that one might've suggested I'd told her Kris had moved to Vegas and become a showgirl. "That my daughter is some sort of _floozy_ who agrees to room with incompetent foreign boys wily-nilly?"

All right, now that was really hitting below the belt. There was a definite angry edge to my voice now. "Marm, I was in no way suggesting that Kris is a _floozy_ as you so gently put it. What I was merely informing you was that Kris's current status as the only girl here makes things rather difficult room and board wise."

For the first time in the entire conversation, Mrs. Smith was stunned silent. "Krissy is at a…_all-boy's_ school?" she said meekly.

"Yes." Came my acidic reply. "Apparently the fact is easier to overlook than I thought. Now Mrs. Smith, if you have any further complaints, feel free to call my father. As for now, I would rather be talking to a half-assed, drunkard of hog-seller than I would you. Good day." With that said, I hung up.

Good thing I'm on such pleasant terms with the Smith family these days.

Growling slightly to myself, I stormed over the bathroom. That little blighter set me up for this! She was just too chicken to tell her mother herself!

"Kris," I snarled as I wrenched open the door. "I have just had the immense pleasure of explaining to your mother why your roommate is incredibly male, a fact she didn't seem to realize before now. Now will you tell me exactly **why that is**?"

Kris's only response to this was to hurriedly gather bubbles around her chest. "Raleigh!" She whined, eyes wide. "I'm taking a bath!"

She then proceeded to throw a rubber duck at my head.

**.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.**

The peevish silence between us lasted through the rest of the night. It was a Friday, and the school allowed us to eat in our dorms on the weekend. Finn and Jake spent the entire dinner throwing the pair of us amused glances and talking unnecessarily loud. I threw them both annoyed looks that they returned with gusto. By the time they were gone, I was ready to go to sleep. It was the possibly one of the first times I had ever been honestly happy to see my best friends leaving.

Kris gave me a tentative glance before walking towards the bathroom and preparing herself for bed.

Grumbling to myself only slightly, I got ready and fell into my bed, eyes closed and feet dangling over the edge. This had been one of the longest days of my life.

I could hear Kris as she reentered the main room.

"Raleigh?" She asked softly.

I grunted my reply, just loud enough to show her I was still awake.

"Thanks." Kris's voice was soft. "For earlier. I don't think I'd have been able to tell my mother myself."

Frowning, I rolled over onto my stomach and shoved my head under a pillow. "You bet your bloody arse you couldn't, I think your mother's off her rocker."

Kris gave a small laugh, and that was the end of any conversation that night.

**.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.**

I was woken up by a high-pitched scream. Swearing vividly under my breath, I nearly fell off of my bed. Kris must be just as crazy as her dear old ma. What was she getting on about this early in the morning?

"Jaysus, Kris." I mumbled, my voice still thick with sleep that her screaming hadn't quite managed to shake off. "You'll wake everyone up, carrying on like that." That is, if they weren't already awake. That scream sure'd been something.

Kris's screams had long since turned to frantic sobs. Ugh, it was too early for this…I was melted, and her crying was not helping.

The bird kept her frantic crying and between shuddering sobs I could barely make out the word, "nightmare."

Well, that explains a lot. "No shit." I mumbled, too tired to wonder if I'd offended her. I readjusted in my bed, trying to get comfortable enough to fall back to sleep. This was not the best way to start my day. Maybe if I went back to sleep I could just pretend it was all a dream.

Kris's crying continued in the background, and it didn't sound like she was going to stop anytime soon. Inwardly, I groaned. Damn it, this wasn't going to stop on it's on was it? There was a short pause in which I decided that I'd better go over there. After all, it's not like I was going to get any sleep with her carrying on like that.

I got out of my bed and moved towards hers, taking my thick comforter and wrapping it around my bare chest. My voice was soft, I didn't need anyone else waking up, and on the edge of desperate. "Aw, come on Kris. It's okay. Come 'ere molly, calm down. I'll make things better, okay?" Already I felt guilty for blowing her off earlier.

It was still a little too dark to see properly, but I could tell that her eyes were on me. Her sobs still hadn't stopped.

"It's alright molly," I soothed desperately. All I had to do was pretend that she was Caoimhe. It was easy to comfort your little sister, but not quite as easy to comfort your teenaged, semi-attractive, very feminine roommate. At least they both had long curly hair. That would help. "It'll be okay."

By now I was at the side of her bed. Gently, I moved her over so I could sit down. It wasn't until I grabbed her arm to help her move that I realized Kris was shaking. How bad had this dream _been?_ Once I was seated on her bed, Kris seemed to calm down just a little. At the very least, her crying got a tad bit quieter.

"There we go," I said, reaching one uncertain hand out to stroke her hair. Just think of Caoimhe, I told myself sternly. That was the key to all of this, just act like she was your sister. "Now tell me what's wrong." The demand was soft, and came out more like a request than anything.

Kris took very shuddering breaths before she was able to talk. "E-everyone was…was d-d-dead, Raleigh. E-e-everyone!" there was a definite edge of hysteria to her voice. "An-n-d I didn't even…even care!" She wailed, burying her face in the front of my comforter.

Part of my heart went out the poor lass. Once upon a time, I'd had dreams like that too. It had been the first time my parents had ever let me travel by myself. Perhaps Kris missed her family more than she let on.

"Hush now," I said sternly. "I know damn well you do care, and I bet they do too." My hand was still stroking her hair softly, and without even realizing it, I had brought the other one up to wrap itself around her waist.

Kris just shook her head desperately, her hands gripping to my comforter as if her life depended on it.

"Now you're just acting like an omadhaun." I said sternly. "Listen, I'll sing you something sweet," This was a technique that usually worked well with Caoimhe. "How would you like that, hmm?" my fingers were running themselves through her hair in a lazy way.

There was a slight pause and Kris's death grip on my comforter loosened ever so slightly. Although she still wouldn't raise her head from where it was currently buried in my chest, I could feel her nodding.

I smiled slightly, and cleared my throat. "Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral," I began singing. "Too-ra-loo-ra-li, Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush now don't you cry. Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,  Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, it's an Irish lullaby."

It was a song my mother used to sing to me when I was sick, or having trouble sleeping. There were verses to it as well, but all I could remember was the chorus. Granted, my singing voice probably wasn't the best thing in the world, but it appeared to be working just fine. Kris was calming down.

"Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral," I repeated, my own eyes drooping slightly. "Too-ra-loo-ra-li, Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush now don't you cry. Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,  Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, it's an Irish lullaby."

This was nice, I thought to myself as Kris's breathing slowed and her tears stopped. Sitting here and holding her like this was nice. Not like holding Deidre nice, but very good and comfortable in its own way.

Yawning slightly, I repeated the chorus just one more time. Kris was almost asleep anyway, and I was so tired… "Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral. Too-ra-loo-ra-li, Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush now don't you cry… Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral… Too-ra-loo-ra-li,  Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral… it's an… Irish… lullaby…" with one final yawn, my head fell back into the pillows, and I was gone.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:..:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:..:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:..:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:..:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:..:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:..:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:..:.:.:.

Remember the Rapid Review Rabbit! He loves you all so I'll try my hardest to get to Chapter Twelve in a timely manner. You get to officially meet the girlfriend. :)


	12. Mothers Lead to Nightmares OUT TAKE

**:There's A **_**Girl **_**At St. Bartleby's!: Chapter Eleven OUTTAKE**

Memo: Brace yourselves, this may be the longest A/N of all time. But it's totally necessary, so read it all. Okay, so this whole thing started when I was talking over the next chapter with my beta-reader (i.really.need.a.life.badly.) and the Lullaby Scene (yes, that's what I'm calling it) came into conversation. We started listening to "To-Ra-Loo-Ra" so she could hear it, and I said: "Of course, Raleigh will not be singing the (fricking two minute long) harp introduction." We had a good giggle over that, and I was all: "Oh yes, because Raleigh just carries around a harp in his back pocket." More giggles as we imagined Raleigh playing a harp. Things sort of went down hill from there. Raleigh playing the harp became Raleigh playing the harp while Finn (who pops out of nowhere) plays the flute. Song continues, and we decide that_ Artemis_ should be the one singing, not Raleigh. Even more laughter occurred, and in a quest to find poor Jake something to do, he became the interpretive dancer/music box player. No, seriously, music box player. (In case you were wondering –and I'm sure you were- we are not on crack, thank you very much. This is really what we do on our free time…) anyway, the Rapid Review Rabbit loves you, so you should return that love and pay him a visit! Enjoy your crack outtake.

**Disclaimer: Last time I checked, I _still_ wasn't Eoin Colfer. Dammit!**

**:Outtake Start:**

I woke up screaming. That had been the worst nightmare I'd had in awhile. Sweat was pouring down my face. Not really the most attractive look ever, but I was bit too distressed to notice. Sobs raked my body and I clutched the thick comforter to my chest. I screamed again, shaking my head back and forth, trying to rid my mind of the horrible, almost morbid images of my dead family's scattered bodies.

By this time, I'd woken up, and I could hear Raleigh grumbling under his breath. "Jaysus, Kris," he said, his voice thick with sleep. Even through the haze of the nightmare, his irritated voice was sexy. "You'll wake everyone up, carrying on like that."

I continued my frantic sobbing, managing to pause long enough to stutter out the word, "nightmare" feebly.

"No shit." He mumbled moodily, I could hear him shifting in his bed, trying hard to fall back asleep.

My eyes were wide and focused on his bed. Sobs still shook my body, and I think I was shaking now, too. Wow, there's no way to get to a man's heart like showing him an emotional breakdown.

There was a short silence from Raleigh before his bed creaked again and I heard him getting up. His voice was soft now, almost desperate. "Aw, come on Kris. It's okay. Come 'ere molly, calm down. I'll make things better, okay?"

However, instead of coming over to comfort me, he seemed to stop in the middle of the walkway between our beds. He paused for a moment, rummaging in his back pocket, before pulling out…was that a _harp?_ Surely not…no one carried around a _harp_ in their back pocket…did they? And where had that stool come from? There had totally not been a stool there five seconds ago, I was sure of it.

Raleigh sat down on the magically appearing furniture, completely nonchalant and suave, and started playing the harp.

Okay, this was getting a little weird. Not at all unpleasant, he was actually sort of good, but who ever knew Raleigh was musical? I was still trembling something awful, but confused curiosity had taken over my insane sobbing.

Whatever he was playing, it was oddly soothing. My breathing was calming slightly, and now I was reduced to hiccupping and shaking weakly. I could get used to this, my eyes were closing themselves in contentment and my death grip on my bed sheets had certainly lessened.

Then, as if the harp playing wasn't enough, Raleigh began singing.

"Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral," the boy sang his voice soft and cuddly. If, you know, voices could be cuddly… "Too-ra-loo-ra-li," It wasn't even pitchy and off-key like I was sometimes. For Christ's sake, was there anything this boy **can't** do? "Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, hush now don't you cry. Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, Too-ra-loo-ra-li,  Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, it's an Irish lullaby."

Just in case the new, harp-playing, lullaby-crooning Raleigh wasn't enough for my poor, nightmare-exhausted brain to comprehend, Finn and Jake showed up.

Wasn't my dorm room locked? It had totally been locked. Double-locked even, with a dead bolt to top it all off. I'd even checked before going to bed last night. (After the whole Artemis incident, I took dorm-room security very seriously.) In addition, why was Finn carrying a flute? Finn did not play the flute. Nor did Jake own Spandex. Especially purple Spandex. This was making no sense whatsoever.

The sight of a Spandex-clad Jacob was more than enough to snap me out of my harp-induced almost slumber. What the hell was going on here…?

Finn, who was acting as if this was completely normal, sifted his flute into position and began to play.

This was really, really freaking me out here…

Jake gave me a grin before taking a deep breath before breaking out in interpretive dance.

Obviously, I had moved from one nightmare to the next.

The singing started up again, but it wasn't Raleigh who was singing this time. And there was a new weight on my bed. A soft hand caressed my cheek, and I turned to see _Artemis_ sitting on the bed next to me.

That was it, this was getting too weird for me. THAT DOOR HAD BEEN LOCKED. FREAKING DEAD BOLTED, EVEN. HOW IN GODS GOOD NAME WERE ALL OF THESE BOYS FINDING THEIR WAY IN HERE? Obviously, I needed to invest in a better security system…

But then Artemis was cupping my face in his hands, and all coherent thought was lost to me. Did I say this was a nightmare? Maybe I lied a little…

"Too-ra-loo-ra-li, " Artemis's voice was perfect too, of course. Stupid Irish, good at everything… Although it looked like Jake could use some dancing lessons or something. Not like I was paying much attention to my Spandex-wearing admirer. "Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral, it's an Irish lullaby."

Then, to top this whole spectacle off, Jake pulled out a music box. Where had he gotten that? I was pretty darn sure that Spandex **did not** have pockets. This was really disturbing…

Once Jake had finished cranking the last notes out of the music box, the boys automatically lost interest and simply walked away. Artemis went out of my window, Jake walked into the bathroom, and Finn disappeared into a closet. Raleigh, of course, put his harp back into his pocket, got off the stool and crawled back into bed.

I sat there, blinking, for several more minutes before laying down with a sigh. That was it, I_ had_ to stop watching Numb3rs before I went to bed…

**:Outtake End:**


	13. Onset of Possible Hormones

**:There's A **_**Girl**_** At St. Bartleby's!: Chapter Twelve**

Memo: I really thought about making this chapter from Kris's POV instead because I had the most amazing scene planned up between her, Raleigh and Deidre that was full of awkwardness and angst but…its Artemis that moves the plot along at this point. So maybe the nice little angst scene will work it's way in somewhere else. Thank you to my most lovely reviewers, especially Israe who reviewed about ten minutes after I posted the chapter. Talk about some serious speed. It was really quite amazing, and totally boosted my self-esteem. Writing Artemis is hard, so hopefully it comes out all right. Any OOC is necessary. But I'll try to keep it to the bare minimum. Oh yeah, and I do NOT thank Qouteninja4, because she doesn't want to come home. Just remember which football team you support, and which city we're closer too.

**Disclaimer: Just because Artemis is a high-tech cage in my basement does not mean I own him. So don't think I do.**

:Story Start:

'_You once were beautiful, I hear_

_I hear it can be beautiful.'_

All in all, my plan was progressing well. I had sought out the Holtecombe boy that Kristina often hung out with. He had not been as soft spoken and well kept as he often appeared in public. I had always assumed… Although it seemed my assumptions were turning out fairly inaccurate these days. This was a fact that irked me and frowning ever so slightly, I rubbed my temples and thought back to last Thursday.

**.:.:.:.:.Flashback.:.:.:.:.**

Getting a hold of this boy was not going to easy, that much I was aware of. His friends were almost creepishly overprotective of him. To get to Holtecombe, I was going to have to find a way to distract the pair of them. Raleigh O'Connor would be easy enough. I didn't even need a plan for him. After all, Kristina Smith was practically a walking distraction. As for the other boy, I didn't really know his name but he was very short, distractions didn't seem to faze him at all. In fact, I think he lived for them. _He_ was the one who threw me for a loop. The shrimp, perhaps, would need the persuasive help of the _mesmer._

With this in my mind and Holly floating invisible over my shoulder, I straightened my tie and headed out.

As I expected, the shrimpy boy was just coming out of his room. This was the one Kristina had told me about with a sarcastic tone accompanied by a roll of her eyes and a casual shrug. The flirt. She had called him Jake, I didn't know his last name.

Jake stiffened when he saw me coming and stopped walking to glare in my direction. "Oy, Fowl." He snarled. "What are you doing all the way down here? Kris's room is back that way."

He called it Kris's room, not Raleigh's room. I noted the wording. For some reason, it seemed important. Obviously this boy wanted me near Raleigh even less than he wanted me around Kris.

With a casual glance over my shoulder to where Holly was still hovering, invisible, I heaved a theatrical sigh. The more convincing I appeared, the better. "Don't you have somewhere else to be, Jake?" I asked annoyance tempering my voice.

Shrimpy Boy's eyes narrowed. "If I did before, I don't anymore." He stated bluntly, crossing his arms in a stubborn defiance. "Why are you heading towards my dorm room?" Jake demanded.

My own eyes narrowed slightly, and I forced myself to relax. Natural, I must remain natural. There was much more at stake here than what some foolish little boy thought of me. My ego could live. No part of the plan should be allowed to go astray. Natural, just remain natural. This was not the first time I had ever outmaneuvered someone and it will certainly not be the last. "I didn't know that walking down a hallway was a crime these days." I snipped.

Jake snorted diversely. "It is for you, Fowl. Aren't you some kind of hermit or something?"

"I believe you have something else to do, Jacob." I said matter-of-factly. This seemed to annoy him even more.

As he opened his mouth to retort, Holly took her cue. The green-skinned elf materialized into view just above my shoulder. Words no longer appeared to be something Jacob was capable of. He merely stared at the fairy in shock, a look of confusion on his face. Locking eyes with the boy only a few feet taller than herself, Holly let her magic roll.

"Go on Jacob," she said, her voice melodic and seductive under the _mesmer_'s influence. It was certainly something to hear, even if you weren't on the receiving end. "There is nothing to see here. Just outside and take a nice long walk."

Jake blinked, trying to fight the magical effects and regain control of his thoughts. "Outside…walk." He bleated, eyes misty. Still fighting it, he shook his head a couple of times.

Holly pressed a little harder. "That's it, go outside. There's nothing to see here. Nothing at all."

Finally, Jake gave in. Still a little misty eyed, and more than slightly dazed, he headed towards the grounds.

With a relieved sigh, Holly shielded herself once again. I could feel the slight disturbance in the air just above my shoulder and knew she was still there. "I would prefer not having to _mesmerize_ anyone Artemis." Holly whispered in my ear. I could tell she was annoyed with me, but if that was the worst I would get from her, it didn't matter. "After all, I don't know how much magic I need for this escapade of yours. If you would just tell me the whole plan for once…"

"It is not important for you to know the whole plan." I whispered back, barely moving my lips at all. Should anyone come out of their dorm, all they would see would be the school felon muttering darkly to himself. This reputation of mine was becoming more useful then I could've ever imagined. "If you need to know, I will tell you. But not until you need to know and only whatyou need to know."

Holly's frustrated silence was all the answer I needed. "I know you're not fond of the sun," I continued softly, my eyes trained on the upcoming doorways. I did not want to waltz into the wrong room. "There is nothing else you can do to help today. You may go if you wish."

Within seconds, there was no longer a hovering presence over my shoulder. Holly had left me then. Perhaps I would apologize later. Hard feelings would only create tension. The last thing I needed was an angry elf working a kink into my plan. But that would have to be worked out later.

Right now, there were slightly more important things to deal with. Hopefully Finnegan Holtecombe was as kind-hearted and patient as always Kristina described him. It was no small task I was laying before him. Even I could classify it as virtually impossible on several terms.

Opening the door to the other boys' room, I found Finnegan sitting at his desk. The chair was tilted back and his legs were on the desktop. There appeared to be some sort of notebook in his lap. When I entered, he turned and I caught the glimmer of surprised that flickered briefly across his face. He hadn't been expecting company, by the looks of it.

"Artemis Fowl," he said as he brought his chair back to its proper position with all four feet on the floor. "Well, this _is_ a surprise! And here I was expecting Raleigh. To what do I owe this astute honor?" There was a cautious smile on his lips, he was so very different from Jacob, but he made no move to great me further.

For a moment, I wondered why this was. I had noted that Finnegan had the most manners of his little posse. Then it registered in my mind that I had seen Finnegan before. It had been in our first year, he had not been nearly as sure of himself. And my various adventures had yet to change me, to make me a better person. Back then, Holly and Mother hadn't instilled that blasted conscience. If I remember correctly, which I usually did, a stammering Finnegan had hesitantly asked me out. My response had not been kind. Small wonder his friends didn't want me near him.

"I came to ask a favor." I said bluntly. There was no need to cut corners here.

"Shoot." Finnegan replied, looking more than mildly curious.

I took a deep breath. How should I word this? It wasn't hard to act embarrassed, it was not every day that the Artemis Fowl had to ask for help, but there needed to be more to it than just that. I had to be believable, real. I needed to sound like a teenager, not just act like one.

After another deep breath, I was able to manage a convincing rushed reply. "I want you to help make me romantic so Kris will go out with me." I said very fast, dropping my eyes to the ground for just a moment.

There was a pregnant pause as Finnegan stared at me, stunned. His eyebrows were so far up on his forehead I could barely see them. Honestly, was the idea of me dating someone that surprising? I could be perfectly civil when I so felt like it. After all, was I being civil right now, was I not?

"Why?" Finn finally asked, staring at me in such a way that suggested he was trying to figure a fairly difficult math problem. "You've never shown much interest in Kris before now."

I had the decency to blush.

He scrutinized me for a moment. "Alright," Finn finally consented. "I'll help you Artemis. Your goals seemed a bit more…pure than Jake's. That boy can't seem to take a hint. He's like a raccoon with something shiny in it's hand." He chuckled slightly.

Oh could he ever be farther from the truth. My intentions were not nearly as friendly as Jacobs. Compared with me, his intentions were as pure as snow.

**.:.:.:.:.End Flashback.:.:.:.:.**

The all-important first step was almost complete. Finn kept his promise. He had the next hour and half teaching me everything I would possibly need to know. Date etiquette, what to say and what not to say, how to treat a girl, how to let her know you care, everything and anything he could think of. Everything he had said to me was cataloged in my brain. When I had requested he keep this secret, my excuse being that I wanted Kris to be surprised, the boy had pantomimed locking his mouth with a key and throwing it over his shoulder. Kris had certainly been right, Finnegan had the potential to be a very good friend. Shame I planned on never talking to him again.

It was the next step that worried me. Kris might very well say no. I simply couldn't afford to go back to the drawing board at this point in time. My fear wasn't the normal, teenaged boy, hormone-based fear. The hormones were there, raging insistently in the back of my mind and there was no doubt about that. But they were not quite as prominent. Perhaps this is what Finnegan had felt like before he had asked me out, so many years ago. Somehow, I doubted it.

I had not yet seen Kris leave her dorm room. That was good, it would give me more time to plan, to collect myself. According to Finn, nerves were a date's undoing. Yet not looking nervous would give me away for sure. This was an endless paradox, this romance business. Small wonder Juliet didn't date anyone. Who would willingly put themselves through this process?

Perhaps a walk on the grounds would calm my nerves. It was a Saturday, and the garden would be completely empty. This school was so noisy and crowded that the garden was often my safe haven from the bustle.

The sound of raised voices leaked under Kris's door as I passed. O'Connor must've messed something yet again. Oh well, at least that something I didn't have to deal with.

Skirting around the grounds, I could hear my classmates' laughter from far away. Boys playing association and Gaelic, teasing each other and making easy jokes. It was a world I had never been a part, a world I didn't want to be part of.

As I had expected, there was no one in the gardens. A relaxed, calm feeling hung in the air. The tall hedges that made up the garden walls kept out the noise my classmates made. The quiet was a welcome change, and I was automatically a little less tense.

"Artemis!" Kris's voice floated to my ears, surprised yet happy. "When did you get here?"

I started. Hadn't I just heard Kris in her dorm room, fighting with the O'Connor boy? There was no way she could've possibly gotten down here before me. Saturday wasn't normally a visiting day. Kris should be the only girl on campus. Perhaps Shrimpy Boy had completely forgone all of puberty? I dismissed that thought almost immediately. No boy's voice could get that high, hormones or no hormones.

"Artemis?" she asked, her voice concerned as it drew nearer. Kris rounded the corner, and I could tell she had fled her dorm room to be out here. Not even she would willingly wear slippers, baggy Snoopy pajamas and an over large, holey Franklin Day sweatshirt (her old high school, I presume) out in public.

"I just got here," I finally managed to answer.

Smiling, Kris came over and tugged on the sleeve of my tailored sweater. "No suit," she commented lightly. "Now that's a first."

I shrugged the statement off casually, knowing she didn't approve of my lack of 'casual clothes'. "Actually," I said tactfully. Might as well get this ordeal over and done with. After all, there was no time like the present. "I have a question to ask of you."

"Fire away!" Kristina chirped happily, glancing up in the direction of her dorm room.

"I was wondering," I said, concentrating on the rose bush over her shoulder. 'Take it slow. You're nervous and unsure. This is the first time you've ever asked a girl out.' Well that, at least, wasn't a lie. 'Take it slow, nice and hesitant.'

Kristina stared at me with her hands behind her back, misty blue eyes hopefully curious. I couldn't help but wonder what was going on her mind. Could she possibly know what I was about to ask her?

"I was wondering." My voice remained slow and cautious. "If you would like to go out with me." A blush rose to color my cheeks, unforced and completely natural. I lifted my eyes from the rose bush to look at her.

A small smile crept across Kristina's face. Was it a smile of acceptance, or of sorrow? All my years of experience in reading emotions and feelings in others appeared to have gone up in smoke. How very frustrating. All I could do at the point was cross my fingers and hope. Say yes just say yes…

"Alright." Kristina said and a giant weight seemed to be lifted off of my chest. "I'll go out with you Artemis." The smile was still on her face, warm and sincere.

A small pang of guilt shot through my mind. She was nice enough, Kristina, and certainly didn't deserve what I was planning to do her. The guilt didn't last long however. Step one was complete. Compared to this, the rest of my plan would be relatively easy. And I had my first date, my first ever girlfriend. Mother would be so proud.

"I'll see you around, Artemis." Kristina said softly, and bent forward to kiss my cheek once before she walked off, humming gently to herself.

I brought one hand up to my cheek as she left. It was pleasantly warm.

**.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:..:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.**

Sorry, the girlfriend didn't really make it in to this chapter. But she's coming, oh is she coming. Remember the Rapid Review Rabbit. He loves you all so


	14. She Devils and Dates

**::There's A Girl At St. Bartleby's!:: Chapter Thirteen**

Memo: This story now has 100+ reviews! Thanks to all who've ever given their time to reviewing, it really just brightens my day. Apart from that, I'm terribly sorry for my lateness. School eat my soul, I swear. I just finished my midterms though, so that will hopefully free up some time. Very exciting, I know. On the bright side, it's an update! Hooray! Thanks to ..need..badly. and QuoteNinja4 for editing/beta-reading. This takes place in 2005, or for those who think in Artemis Years, after Book 4 but before Book 5. It's about November now. Isn't it funny how fast time flies…? Flashbacks aren't done in the usual style because Fanfiction won't let me. D:

Ape: fool

**Disclaimer: Eoin Colfer's lawyers are big, scary men, I don't own Artemis Fowl, there's no need to come after me.**

Artemis's question had driven all other thoughts completely out of my mind. It took me the entire walk back to the dorm room to remember that Deidre was visiting today. Despite this, despite the fact that I was going to be chewed out the moment I walked through the door, there was a warm, pleasant feeling in my gut that just wouldn't go away. Artemis liked me! Who cared how much trouble I was about to have to dig myself out of. Artemis liked me. Something had been slightly off about the whole event though, an underlying determination that scared me, but I could make myself overlook it. All I had to was to picture him there in front of me, so nervous and sweet. Artemis liked me. _Artemis Fowl_ liked me. It was like a mantra, repeating itself over and over in my head, fueling the pleasant feeling in my gut. I didn't even notice I'd walked into my own room until Raleigh started talking to me.

"Oh Kris! You're back." His voice was tense and tired, he looked harried and worn out.

According to Raleigh, I had woken him up during my nightmare. He had then comforted me until I fell back asleep. Such a kind gesture wasn't something I expected from Raleigh given our very…peaceful relationship up to this point. Of course, I don't remember much from last night besides screaming and a soft voice singing to me, but the gesture was touching nonetheless.

Needless to say, Deidre had not been touched by the gesture.

**FLASHBACK**

Deidre had showed up in our dorm room at the ripe hour of 8:30 in the morning. Now Raleigh and I, both very much afternoon people, were still slumbering away happily oblivious. Half of Raleigh's body was actually on my bed and his legs were swinging off the side. His fingers were still tangled up in my untamable hair and his other arm was wrapped firmly around my waist. I was passed out on his chest; my head resting above his heart and my hands were still clinging to his comforter as if life itself deepened on it. Apparently Raleigh needs to think through his actions better because this really did not look good. It even almost merited Deidre's reaction.

We woke up to Deidre's furious shriek. "Raleigh _fecking_ James O'Connor! Who the hell is she?!"

Not at all used to this particular brand of morning greeting, Raleigh jolted awake in surprise. Trying to gain his bearing, the boy accidently rolled off the side of the bed with a loud thump. The thick comforter he'd had wrapped around him so tight it might as well have been Under Armor fell off with me. Which caused me, still clinging on to the blanket as if nothing else mattered, to fall off as well. In no time at all the pair of us were a jumbled heap of tangled limbs and blankets. Still confused and sleep-weary, Raleigh was swearing non-stop under his breath as I attempted to achieve a little more dignified position. This wasn't exactly the circumstance in which I'd pictured meeting the girlfriend. After all, her boyfriend was sort of sitting on me. And I was sort of tangled up in his blanket.

"Ow Raleigh," I complained as we both tried moving at the same time. "You're elbowing my spleen!"

Deidre was not to be forgotten. Her threatening, so much less than happy voice drifted across the room. "Oh I'll do much worse than that you cheating, sleazy little American WHO-"

"Deidre!" Raleigh took a swear-break to look up at his girlfriend in surprise. If he was about to tell her off for language, I was going to have to laugh. "I didn't know you were visiting today! It's not even the weekend!"

"Well that much is obvious." Deidre said as she shot me a glance filled with so much hate it could've offed a small mammal. "Now explain yourself! I'm not an bloody ape, I know when I've been played." She demanded, placing both hands on her hips.

Biting my tongue, I resisted the urge to tell Deidre she looked like a mother scolding her five-year-old; I began to quietly disentangle myself from Raleigh. Hell was about to break loose in this dorm room and it wasn't exactly something I was terribly interested in sticking around for. Let Raleigh sort this whole ordeal up. I knew exactly how mad Deidre was, not so long ago I had been in her place, and really I wasn't too keen on seeing it from the other side of the lens. Especially since this time, I was the ominous 'other woman' and not the furious girlfriend. I'd seen both Brandon and Tasha, my platinum blonde neighbor (Brandon's 'other woman'), after that day in September and neither had looked too happy. Granted, this could've been due to the fact I was usually throwing something at them, but that's a different story.

With Deidre's fury directed elsewhere, poor Raleigh, I was able to slip on some more appropriate clothes without too much commotion. Hopefully, no one would care if I looked like a college student before midterms, because sweatpants and sweatshirts were the only things on the top of my clean clothes pile. Pretty soon I really needed a laundry run… As I was reaching the door, Raleigh tried in vain to redeem himself.

"Deidre, I swear it wasn't like that." He pleaded. "I didn't _sleep_ with her. We just sort of," Here Raleigh floundered, looking desperately for the right words to make things better. Poor fool, there's never a way to dig yourself out of this kind of hole. "Slept together." Was his lame finish.

Before the door closed, I could hear Deidre screaming as something crashed against the wall. That better not've been my panda bear alarm clock.

**END FLASHBACK**

Luckily, Deidre had calmed down. Apparently, throwing other people's alarm clocks against walls is very therapeutic. Sadly, I gave my ruined clock one last glance. Oh Raleigh better pay me back for that, it'd been Andrew's going away gift.

"Yup," I said unnecessarily, popping my lips slightly at the end. "I'm back."

Looking directly at me with a steely flint in her eyes Deidre calmly said, "You'd be Kris then, the roommate. The one who slept with my boyfriend."

Behind me, Raleigh gave a frustrated sigh. Looks like he hadn't been too successful with his cause. Smiling, I took the comment in stride. She was not going to get to me. I'd had experience with people like her before. There was no way I was going to show her that she was getting to me, I wasn't going to give her that satisfaction. No, I must remain perfectly and completely calm and unfazed.

"Well as long as you haven't been sleeping with my boyfriend!" I said with a happy shrug. So what if Artemis wasn't exactly my boyfriend yet. As if they needed to know that.

Automatically, the atmosphere in the room did a complete 180. Deidre relaxed and gave me a look of haughty disbelief. Raleigh on the other hand, knew a far bit more about this situation that his girlfriend. He stiffened and was staring at me with suspicious eyes.

After a slight pause, Deidre let out a loud laugh.

Laughing, Deidre came alive. Yes, it was me she was laughing at, but it was nice to see her in a mood other than furious. It was nice to know she _had_ a mood other than furious, really. Now her green eyes were sparkling, not dark with hatred and betrayal. It was as if her red hair was fire itself the way it caught the light. It made her truly beautiful and I could finally see why Raleigh was attracted to her. Maybe if we'd met under different, more peacefully, circumstances, the pair of us might've been friends.

"Right," she said, still chuckling. "Because everyone would want to date you."

…Or maybe not. Maybe I should just stick to trying not to hit her. That sounded like a good idea.

"Artemis Fowl seems to think I'm datable." I said offensively, crossing my arms. Who cares if I was pouting?

"Like _feck_ you're not!" Raleigh's indignant voice was barely heard over Deidre's laughing comment of, "Surely you must be dreaming."

I stared at them both, affronted. Was it really that unbelievable? After all, Artemis was just a boy. Albeit a socially awkward boy, but a boy nonetheless. The chances of him asking some one out were just as high as any others. No one can run from hormones forever. Even geniuses couldn't change nature, no matter how much they tried.

"Like feck I am!" I said defiantly. "And if you even try messing this up for me, Raleigh James, you'll find out that I've got much worse things up my sleeves than a Neon Pink Sharpie."

**.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.**

The only person around here who seemed to be honestly happy with my current relational status was Finnegan. Unlike Jacob, who hadn't stopped sulking since I told him, Finnegan had thrown himself to the idea with an almost scary amount of enthusiasm. When I had told him about, Finn had practically glowed with pride. It was the first time I had ever seen him respond to Artemis's name with anything other than caution. I thought I heard him mutter something suspiciously along the lines of: "so he did take my advice, good job Genius Boy", but when I confronted him about he gave me his innocent look and asked me if I felt okay. Besides, no else seemed to notice it. Now every time I mentioned Artemis, he practically glowed. Sometimes I wondered who was more excited for this: Finnegan or me.

"Where is taking you?" Finn asked as we were all hanging out in his dorm room a few days later. "Hopefully nothing meant for tourists." He grimaced.

Oh how I wish I knew. Artemis had been very careful not to tell me. No matter how much I pestered him in class, all the infuriatingly handsome boy would do was give me a mysterious smile and tell me to meet him on the grounds on Friday night. Frowning, I took my anger out on a nearby pillow. "I don't know," I whined as I chucked the pillow at a glowering Jacob. "He refuses to tell me anything except to meet him outside on Friday."

Finn frowned and quickly intercepted the pillow Jake had promptly tossed right back at me. "Kris, you do know what day it is right?"

Blinking, I replied, "Well, it's Friday." Realization hit me like a ton of lead-lined bricks. "Shit! I'm late!"

As I rushed out of the room, I could hear Raleigh mutter, "Well, at least we'll have a quiet planning session for once. Won't that be a change."

Remind me to whoop him for that later. He's just pissed because I messed things up with his girlfriend, the little jerk.

**.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.**

"Hey Artemis," I gasped, completely out of breath by the time I reached the grounds. After I'd left Finn's dorm room I'd promptly booked it down the hallway to my dorm. There I had proceeded to tear through my room in search of something more date appropriate to wear. After leaving my room (poor Raleigh was going to come home to a veritable war zone) I had sprinted down to the grounds at top speeds, getting weird looks from passersby as I went.

Artemis quirked one expressive eyebrow and nodded. He was dressed "casually" again, or at least dressed as casually as I'd ever seen him. There was a large fluffy blanket draped over his arm that looked suspiciously like he'd stolen it off the unused bed in his dorm room.

"Where are we going?" I asked, still slightly out of breath, as I gave the blanket a confused glance.

"You'll see." Artemis replied with a smile. Then he turned on his heel and began to walk towards the gates.

If the boy didn't explain himself soon, he was not going to get a second date. Surprises and I didn't…mesh very well. No one ever believed me when I told them this. They figured that anyone as random and cheerfully naïve as I ought to love a good surprise. Right, because that always worked out so well in the past. Apparently, they hadn't heard the story of the first time Brendan asked me to the Winter Formal. He'd thought it wood be a good idea to show up at my house at six in the morning and bake me pancakes, my favorite breakfast food ever, and then spell out Winter Formal with whipped cream on the top. Which really was adorable and thoughtful, but I sort of thought he was a robber and had thrown a skillet at him before he could yell "Surprise!". God bless the boy for still wanting to date me. The bruise even went away before the dance.

"Artemis, seriously. Where are we going? I don't do well with surprises." I warned. At least there weren't any large metal cooking devices present this time.

"It's not a surprise," he retorted as he lead me to the small grassy knoll behind the swimming pool. "I call it more of a…mystery."

Scowling, I grumbled anyway. "A mystery's just a small step away from a surprise."

The left corner of Artemis's moth twitched upwards. By now, I realized this was as close to a laugh as this boy was going to get. Someday, I would see him really laugh, I promised myself.

As we drew nearer, I could see Artemis had prepared for this. There seemed to be a little bed of blankets and pillows laid out on the grass. Oh no, not another bed. You had to be kidding me. Surely he couldn't know that so far this week different beds had gotten me absolutely nowhere. Well, at least this one didn't come with a psychopath girlfriend.

"What are we doing Artemis?" I asked curiously as he lay down on the blanket pile. Sitting down next to him, I turned around to look at the boy in question.

"Stargazing. The planetarium's closed today and there's supposed to be a meteor shower tonight."

I laughed. Only Artemis Fowl would think of stargazing as a way to spend your first date. Guess this was just his nerdy side shining through at last. Then I looked up at the night sky, and I had to agree with him. Far away the city lights and buildings, we had an unblocked view of the skies. Stares seemed to shine more brightly out here, as if someone had given them all mega-watt batteries. The moon looked super-imposed on the sky. It was beautiful.

"It's peaceful out here," Artemis said as he stared at the sky. "Looking up at the skies seems to make your own troubles so small and insignificant."

Right then I had the insane urge to hug him. I had never seen him so laid back and at peace. Even during our friend lessons he had been tense, as if every question was going to force him to reveal some long kept secret or family heirloom. Nothing was holding him back now. I didn't even have the aptly named Artemis Spritzer with me.

Artemis had stared rambling about the stars. As he pointed them out to me, he made sure to inform me what type of star they were, if they had any planets orbiting around them, how many light years away they were, and their scientific and nonscientific names. It was really quite cute, actually. I'd never seen anyone ramble on with such intensity.

"Artemis," I said, cutting him off just as he was beginning to get into black holes. "Can I ask you something?"

Now it was his turn to wary and curious. He seemed to like questions just as much as I liked surprises.

"I suppose you could, yes." He said after a moment's hesitation.

And so I asked him the question that had been on my mind all week. "Why did you ask me out?"

The moment the question came out of my mouth I wanted to take it back. It sounded so rude, and I really was having a good time with him. But it's not like he had ever shown me anything but barely concealed annoyance in our times together. During our lessons, he acted as if I was subjecting him to torture, even going as far as to take the Artemis Spritzer and lock in the safe, yes I said safe, he had in his bathroom. Ever since he had asked me out I had wondering if there wasn't some ulterior motive behind this. It's not like I hadn't seen anyone get played before. But was Artemis really capable of that? So far the evening really had been wonderful. I was going to come across as ungrateful.

Something of my guilty thoughts must have shown on my face because Artemis was looking at me with concern.

After a few more moments of antagonizing silence in which Artemis continued to stare at me intently. My question hung in the air like a dead weight.

"Well, because I like you, Kris." He said at last. "Frankly, I like you a lot."

And then he kissed me.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

Sorry for the long wait. ): Remember kiddies, the Rapid Review Rabbit loves you!


	15. Revelations of the Unsettling Nature

**::There's A **_**Girl**_** At St. Bartleby's!:: Chapter Fourteen**

Memo: Judging by the reviews, and the slightly demanding PM's, you guys liked the last chapter. I'm glad to hear it. Happy Christmas people! (More Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanza or Merry Winter Solstice, to hit all the politically correct bases.) You _will_ be getting a Krismas special, and yes I spelt it like that on purpose, if I'm not too bogged down with homework. But somehow I doubt that. Junior year kills a little. (You'll get it anyway, no one likes doing homework during their break less than I do.) Thanks to Qouteninja4 for telling me all about her interesting vacation, and. .need..badly. for the crayon colored picture of Ariel.

I haven't got a baldy=I haven't got a clue

Cute=clever

Tube=tv

**Disclaimer: …Nope. Still not Eoin Colfer. Still don't own Artemis Fowl, or any of his fairy cohorts.**

**::Story Start::**

"May you be in heaven half an hour

before the devil knows you're dead"

--Irish blessing

"Artemis!" Kris's happy voice drifted across the dorm. "Sit your skinny little white ass down before I _make_ you!"

Inwardly, I groaned. Ever since the pair had started officially dating my life had taken a definite turn for the worse. It was bad enough she let him in the dorm before they were going out, now I actually had to be civil to the little slime. And he was over here _a lot_. For the love of god, wasn't there anything to do in his dorm room? At least they'd be out of my sight then. And Kris wouldn't have to deal with Jake, who purposely wandered into the room at the wrong moments, and usually looked like a lost, ran-soaked puppy.

"Kris," Fowl's voice was as clipped and chilled as ever. "I am not watching...this sappy love story of yours."

He'd made the grave mistake of disagreeing with Kris. She was positively never going to give up now. I resisted the urge to bang my head against the desk repeatedly. 'Just watch the damn movie Fowl.' I begged silently.

"For you information, Titanic holds the record for biggest box office success and is," she paused here, obviously checking the back of the movie case. "Quote: 'A touching story of two doomed lovers that lasts throughout the generations' end quote."

Fowl was stubborn. No stupid quote was going to make him give in that easy. "Absolutely not."

"Listen, it's either this, or 13 Going on 30, which is about ten times more girly than Titanic. I mean, in this one, you get to watch a giant cruise ship hit an iceberg and spilt into two pieces, killing thousands of people in the process."

Only Kris could take _Titanic_ and make it sound gory. I'm pretty sure she had him now. Heck, she'd have _me_ if I didn't feel like spending more time with these two would be just as much fun as gouging sharpened sticks into my eyes.

There was a short silence followed by the rustling of sheets that could only mean Artemis had given up the pointless battle and joined Kris on her bed. Right now, he was probably kissing her forehead or something. Which might I add they did way too much for my personal comfort. The kissing, I mean. It wasn't like they made out in front of me, I'd never seen the pair actually touch lips before, but he was always kissing her face. It could be her neck, her cheek, her forehead, I'd even seen him kiss her closed eyelids once, but never on the lips. Which was a little weird, but I didn't mind. After all, that was one less PDA I had to watch. Between the kissing and the random glomping, I was pretty much through with it all.

I pretended to shuffle through my drawers, completely ignoring the pile of Calculus homework I still had to do. Math could wait. Since I already had the strong urge to hurt something and math usually only made that mood worse, I figured it was a good idea.

"Raleigh," Kris called from her bed.

I winced. She was going to ask me if I wanted to watch with them, I could just tell. Kris was too polite not to offer. She wouldn't want anyone to feel left out. Not like she had any real problem with offending people, but for some reason she couldn't stand it when people weren't included. Girls were so weird…

"It's okay Kris," I answered before she could even ask. Here I was sure to throw her and her…well, I guess I might as well start calling Fowl her boyfriend, a glance to assure that no I was not going to cry in a corner for not being asked to join. The last thing I needed right now was Kris following me around asking me if I was okay. "I was heading over to Finn 'n Jake's anyway."

She shot me a disappointed look before settling down besides Artemis. I took my cue and hightailed in out of there.

By the time I got to Finn's room, the pair of them were sitting around impatiently. Jake was sprawled across his bed, throwing random articles of clothing at the ceiling. Finn was sitting at his desk, tapping his foot rhythmically as he examined his nails.

"When's Raleigh going to get here?" Jake was whining. "The dye's gonna go bad or something."

Wow. I'm glad to know my own friends valued my company _that much_.

"Nice to see you too, Jake." I said sarcastically.

Jacob looked up, surprised. "Wotcher! I didn't see you there, Raleigh."

Ignoring Jake was often the best way to deal with him when he was being annoying, so I turned to Finnegan instead. He got up with a smile to great me. Well, at least someone around here was still pleasant to be around.

"You ready for this, Raleigh?" he asked, gesturing towards the barrels of dye that were standing just out of sight on the other side of his door frame.

I grinned. This was going to be one of our best pranks yet. Everything had been prepared. Finnegan had…borrowed some of the janitorial staffs uniforms and stacked them on his bed. Jake and I had managed to buy buckets full of dye (orange, white and green respectively) and with them we were going to make this school a little more patriotic. The general plan was to dress up as a janitor and during the swimming classes, pour one color of dye in each of the three pools. Finn and I were in charge of being the janitors. Jake had drawn the short straw this time, and he got the less pleasant job of swimming in the dye. The three of us all had sixth block study, so no one would notice if we failed to show up and the pools were always open for the public. It was all pretty cute, really.

"Should we tell Kris?" Jake asked, flopping over on his stomach to look at us. Of course he would be thinking of her. Poor chap…

I thought about a moment, remembering everything that had happened between the pair of us recently. True, living through Deidre's unending fury had brought us just a little bit closer, but I still hadn't forgotten the whole Jeans of Justice fiasco. That's what made up my mind for me. If I had to live with becoming her own personal doodling board, she could suffer through a change of skin color.

"No." I said decisively. "She can live."

Finn's only response was a slight raise of his eyebrow and a critical look. Jake pursed his lips, but said nothing. I was guessing he just wanted someone else to suffer through this with him.

"Alright then." He said at last. "Tomorrow's sixth block is going to interesting then."

"It certainly will." I said with a smirk.

**.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.**

By the end of the next day, the entire school was in a buzz. Some people were walking around, laughing at their friends and hitting each other with towels. Others were taking candid pictures of their dyed friends, cackling with laughter and attempting to push their teachers into the pools. The teachers, of course, were freaking out. None of them could figure out exactly how the dye got there in the first place. After all, it had been a routine pool check until students came out dyed orange or green or white. All in all, I'd say this went off even better than planned. Finn and I had managed to get away before the chaos set in, and had carefully disposed of the damning evidence before I returned to my dorm room and Finn went back to his. Neither Kris nor Jake had returned yet, and personally, I was really looking forward to seeing Kris's face.

I lay back on my bed, stretching out to wait for their return. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that Kris would be far more entertaining to watch than Jake. After all, Jake knew what was coming. He'd resigned himself to this lot ever since he drew the short straw. Kris, however, was going to be completely clueless.

Just then, Kris came in, slamming the door behind her. She was back then. This was going to be interesting. I tried my very best to keep the smile off my face. There was no need for her to start throwing things at me just quite yet.

"Raleigh," she hissed dripping wet and absolutely livid. She clutched one of the school towels around her as if it was the only thing keeping her alive. "I. Am. WHITE."

That was it; I couldn't keep the smile off my face anymore. Amused, I looked up at her, rather pleased with myself. "Really? I'm glad you've noticed. Because I hate it when people pretend they're black when they aren't."

There was a pregnant pause as Kris's mouth pursed itself into a line that just kept on getting thinner. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to antagonize the already pissy teenage girl…

"You really aren't funny, you know that?" she said frostily. Throwing me a withering glance, she began to move around the room.

"Hey now, that's not very nice." I said affronted. People always tell me I've got a great sense of humor.

Kris looked over her shoulder at me with pity. She had a bundle of clothes in her arms and began moving towards her suitcase. Why hadn't she ever put that thing away? Honestly, I think it'd been sitting in that same corner since she got here last month.

"I'm not a nice person, Raleigh. You should know this by now." She retorted before picking up some more clothes and throwing them in her suitcase.

"Oh I'm well acquainted with this fact." In certain lights, you could still see where 'Property of the Jeans of Justice' had been tattooed across my forehead. Thank god I didn't have another haircut for months, by then my hair would completely hide the damning evidence. "Why are you packing?" I blurted out, curious. She was still throwing things into that suitcase.

This made Kris pause and turn around. Her sheet white curls were still wet, and little tiny droplets of water flew everywhere. If this is what Kris would look like with white hair, old age was really going to treat her well. …No, bad thoughts, bad thoughts. There is absolutely no reason to think of Kris like that. You've got a girlfriend Raleigh. I scolded myself, shaking my head vigorously.

"I'm going home, silly." She said as she dumped all the clothes from her arms into the waiting suitcase.

"Why?" I asked, confused. She was totally overreacting. All I did was dye her white. Okay, it was sort of bad, but really. She'd done worse. "Its just dye for gods sake! It'll wash out."

At this, Kris's face lifted into a wry smile and she glared at her sheet white hands. "Oh, I'd almost forgotten about that. Thanks for reminding me. I'm furious with you, by the way. Sleep with one eye open." She warned.

Of course that's the type of luck I have. Cute Raleigh, real cute. Remind the girl with Sharpies and an over-reactive imagination how furiously angry she is with you. Ten points.

Kris carried on as if she hadn't even noticed by momentary depression. Knowing what she's like a bad mood, she'd noticed and was making a conscious choice not to care.

"I'm going home." She said pointedly, vanishing into the washroom for a moment and coming back out with what appeared to be half the room.

Just as soon as this announcement had left her lips, a green Jake made his entrance.

"'Lo Raleigh," he said in a chipper sort of tone that really ought to be illegal. "'Lo Kris. You're looking as beautiful as ever."

Wow. Some one was at top of their game today. I'm sure he's just glad because he finally got a chance to show off the washboard abs he'd been working on all summer. Jake was adorably shallow like that.

"Jake," Kris replied incredulously, looking at him as if he had lost any form of a brain. "I look like someone's grandma. Someone's elderly, cranky old grandma."

Jake wasn't even fazed. "And the most attractive cranky old lady I've ever seen."

Glancing between the pair of them I decided now was time to change the subject. Kris looked just like Gemma had when she'd found out Santa Claus wasn't real. Jake looked just as happy and content as he did the day he told Gemma Santa Claus wasn't real. This was dangerous territory.

Clearing my throat loudly, I said to Kris, "You said you were leaving?"

This caused Jake to pause.

"Oh yeah. I'm going home. Thanksgiving's next weekend, and I want to be with my family. Your dad gave the green light." She added at the end, shrugging slightly.

Oh, Thanksgiving. I'd made her explain that to me earlier. From what I'd gleaned, it was basically a holiday where American's got around, celebrated the fact they gave the actual natives blankets full of the pox and alcohol, and eat a lot. Although, personally, I thought most Americans did that anyway. Well, the eating a lot part bit at least.

Jake was staring at her, obviously disappointed. His gaze started at the back of her white-haired head and began to travel downwards. I couldn't help it, I laughed a little. Jake was the best type of predictable.

"Oy, pervert!" Kris snapped, still dumping things into her suitcase and not even bothering to turn around and look at us. "My eyes are my face, not my butt you little green monstrosity."

Jake gawked. "How did she _know_ that?" he whispered, his mind obviously temporarily blown.

"Haven't got a baldy mate. Haven't got a baldy." I said, before closing my eyes and throwing myself back on the bed.

**.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.**

By that Tuesday, Kris had left for home. She said she'd be back in a little less than two weeks, and at the time I was grateful. Now I had two whole weeks of no Kris in my dorm room. That was two weeks for me to live my old life; my comfortable and familiar life where I was not woken up every morning to two different alarms and a cell phone blasting Coldplay and no one used me as their sketch-pad or threw paper wads at my head. Really, it all looked great and wonderful when she was still around. But then she actually left, and all that ended up was that I became extremely disoriented.

Now it seemed like the dorm room was far too quiet. Sure, the fact that Kris enjoyed blasting music in the morning was annoying, but once it was gone, I had trouble getting up. By now, I was used to sleeping through two alarms and getting up at the third. However, Kris took her two alarms and her phone with her to the States. There was only alarm now and I quickly learned that sleeping through _that_ only ended up making me late for my first two classes. There wasn't anyone around anymore either. Sure, Finn and Jake hung out still, but it wasn't the same. They eventually had to leave, and then I figured out exactly how much I missed the simple sound of someone else breathing. Everything was clean now, too. The room hadn't been this clean since Kris moved in, and it really threw me off. I'd gotten so used to having to pick my way from my bed to the somewhat less dirty desk area that I actually lost my balance and fell over when I had to compensate for not having anything to trip over.

Of course, not everything was horrible. No Kris around meant the end to Artemis's daily visits, and Jake's not so subtle attempts to worm his way into whatever they were doing. That, certainly, was a plus. Also, there suddenly seemed to a lot more hot water for my showers, which I could now take whenever I pleased. And I could watch whatever I wanted to on the tube and didn't have to worry about whether or not it had the proper amount of Rob Morrow in it.

All in all, I had decided I didn't like it when Kris was gone. I spent a completely unhealthy amount of time thinking about her when she wasn't around. This was not a good development. Especially given the fact that I had just recently managed to patch things up with Deidre. Boys with girlfriends like mine should not spend their time worrying about what other girls might be doing. It was entirely unhealthy in the sickest, most desperate way. I would have to talk to her when she got back. Yes, that was it. The moment she came back, I was going to talk to her. About my unhealthy worry. About… us. That was exactly what I would do. There was no turning back now.

.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.

Yes, I totally ended it there. :) Remember, the Rapid Review Rabbit loves YOU! And happy holidays.


	16. Things Explained

**::There's A **_**Girl**_** At St. Bartleby's!:: Chapter Fifteen**

**Memo:** I think this might just be my fastest update yet. I'm so insanely proud of myself. Well, all of Artemis's motives finally come out in this chapter. It explains a lot of things. Or, so I'm hoping… This chapter has no word limit. There are things that need to be done. So, excuse me if this chapter is longer than normal. (I word counted it, the story itself is 3,051+ words.) Also, sorry there isn't much conversation in this chapter. I'd always got the feeling that Artemis only said things when they needed to be said. Raleigh and Kris are more fans of idle chatter, so there's a lot more dialogue in their chapters.

**Disclaimer: I've checked, the name on my birth certificate is still not Eoin Colfer. Guess I don't own Artemis Fowl or Holly.**

**::Story Start::**

"_Close your eyes for your eyes will only tell the truth_

_And the truth isn't what you want to see"_

It was amazingly easy to think with Kris gone. All of the distractions that had built up over the past few weeks had faded away as if on a breeze. Everything was perfectly quiet now, there wasn't American pop music blaring in the background, and no one was yelling at my door. No one came around my dorm room any more. There wasn't anyone spritzing me in the face with water. Of course, Kris's entourage still shot me evil looks when I passed them in the hallways or classrooms, but I was used to that by now. The most wonderful calm had settled around me. It could only be described as the calm before a storm.

**.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.**

The first signs of the storm came when I was sitting in my room, thinking over everything I had done in the past month.

The most prominent actions all seemed to tie back to Kristina. This was, of course, only to be expected. After all, she was a vital part of the proceedings now. I had tied myself to the girl in every juvenile teenage way I could think of. She was my girlfriend now, the only person who could stand more than ten minutes in my presence. I kissed her and I hugged her. I made damn sure that everyone on campus knew she was mine and I was hers. Somehow I had managed to convince the world, and the girl, that I was hopelessly and senselessly in love. And that was exactly what I had been hoping for all along.

Of course the girl meant very little to me. I had distanced myself, my true self, from her from the very start. At first there had been signs that she was on to me, that she didn't believe all my lies and half-truths. But she had loosened up. Kris barely cared what I told her now. She gave off no sign that she knew she was nothing more than a pawn in my otherworldly games.

A spark of guilt ran through me. Surely Kris deserved a little more than what I was giving her. Surely she deserved someone who would really love her. People who were close to me were bound to be hurt in a way Kris didn't deserve. After all, she had been nothing but kind to me. I forced myself to remember Butler, lying cold and dying on the floor. Hadn't I learned my lesson about messing with other people's lives? Even if I did not care for her, and I was sure I did not, there were others who did. She had a family after all…

I was saved from my guilt by Holly's arrival. She flickered into focus just as my thoughts were beginning to take a dangerous turn. I would have to thank her for that later.

"All right Artemis," she said sternly, three bulging files in her hands. "What are you up to?"

"Ah, Holly." I greeted her, straightening up and gesturing for her to take a seat. "What a welcome distraction. And I see you brought the files I requested." Her question still hung in the air, but I felt no need to answer it. Not just yet, anyway.

Holly shot me a suspicious look before hovering down to ground level. She handed me the files. "There they are, our escaped criminals. But I don't understand why you wanted everything in their files."

I flipped through the files experimentally. They were extensive, good. My plan was banking on finding exactly what I needed in these pages. "And that's what makes us different, Holly." I said, my eyes scourging the pages. Good thing I'd been practicing my Gnommish, or this would've given me a headache. "I have learned the hard way to keep your friends close and your enemies closer." My eyes found what they'd been looking for, and I lay one of the files down on the floor.

"Aster Greenleaf." I said, staring down at the face of a defiant pixie that stared up at me from the page. "She's the ringleader of this rogue faction." It was a statement, not a question.

"Yes." Holly confirmed. "But I hardly see why you wanted her file. She's just your average psychopathic pixie with a general vendetta."

I shook my head, picking up the file again. "I disagree. There's more to this than meets the eye. You said that she and her colleagues escaped high-security without raising any sort of alarm and headed for the surface." I didn't need to look to know that Holly was nodding. "After they reached the surface, they headed here, to Ireland. Then you lost their signals for a couple weeks. After a period of silence and no sign of attacks anywhere across the island, you pick up one of her cohorts signal as they head off to the States. The fairy makes it all the way to the Northwest coast, stays there for a couple of days, and heads right back to drop off your maps all over again."

The frustrated silence was all the answer I needed.

"Given the evidence," I said as I read Aster's file. "Miss Greenleaf is not your average psychopathic pixie with a general vendetta. We have dealt with that kind of criminal before. They would've acted long before now. No side trips to the States, no slipping on and off the map. She's teasing us." I announced. "Well, mainly, she appears to be teasing _me._ She knows I like a challenge, and so she's given me one."

Holly's patience was fraying at the edges. "Last time I visited, you said you had a plan, and that it was already in the workings. Then you had me _mesmerize_ an innocent bystander so you could ask a girl out. What. Are. You. Up. To?" She demanded.

I glanced up at her, and sighed. It was about time I told Holly the plan. After all, I would need Sector Eight's full cooperation in not too long. Speed was of essence now, I had made my move, now it was time for Aster to make hers.

"Very well Holly. I will tell you the plan." Holly's jaw dropped. She was obviously expecting more of a fight than this. "Sit down, Holly, and I promise I will tell you exactly what is happening."

Without a question, Holly sat down, staring at me expectantly.

I got up, stretching slightly before closing the window I had left open for her. The door was shut and double locked and dead-bolted, that security upgrade had been courtesy of Kris's paranoia, and the room was properly sound proofed, courtesy of my paranoia. No one who didn't need to know would be able to hear our conversation now. Good. I began to pace.

"Where to begin…" I muttered, starting my normal circuit around the room. If Kris was here, she would laugh and tell me there was a track field right outside if I really felt like running in circles. I shook my head, now was not a time to be thinking about her.

"You could always start from the beginning," Holly quipped sarcastically. "I've heard that when telling the complete story, it's a pretty good place to start."

I shot her an annoyed look. She sent me one right back.

Good to know that relationship hadn't changed much.

"Very well," I admonished. "The beginning."

**.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.**

It didn't take nearly as long I thought it would to fill Holly in on everything. I had thought Kris might someday be useful to me (and my slightly less than legal adventures) so I had put up little fight when it came it her friend lessons. Of course, I had not told her everything about myself. Useful people tend to lose that status after an LEP mind-wipe. But I had kept her close, close enough to ask for favors, close enough to use her. Then lo and behold, three rogue fairies pop up. Kris could finally show off her use to me. So I make sure we are close. I date her, I let her get to know me. And the fairies do nothing to expose themselves to the general public and throw the world into a cross-species war. For a moment, I was unsure of my plans. Perhaps flaunting the girl had been a bad idea. Perhaps my little fairy friends wouldn't take the bait, and the small tracking device made from stolen LEP technology that I had embedded into Kris's favorite sweater would be put to waste.

Then came the crucial change. The one part of my plan that had been based on information I did not have. I was sure that the fairies were not, as everyone else assumed, after world domination. They wouldn't have waited so long if that was their goal, they would've hopped straight to it. No, instead they must be after a certain individual. A certain _human_ individual, if they went straight to the surface. And how many human individuals were notorious not only above the surface but below it as well? I could count only one. Myself. Somehow, in all my years of manipulation and double-dealing, I had personally wronged them and they were after revenge. Of course, I could not have my family involved with this. I needed to present them with a different target. Someone who was not my family or myself, but had close personal ties to my person. And there was a girl at St. Bartleby's. An innocent, naïve, trusting girl. A girl who had given me her heart on a silver platter, and whose heart I was going to break.

Startled, I shook my head. 'Focus, Artemis.' I chided myself. 'Now is not the time for second thoughts. Especially not about…' For some reason, I couldn't make myself think her name. 'The girl. She is nothing to you. You are so close. Everything's coming together at least. Just think about the information you have just gained. Aster no longer holds the upper hand.'

That was enough to calm me down again. The new information, yes.

Looking through Aster's file had been most informative. At first, it had seemed innocent enough. There were none of the back alley connections I had been looking for. On her rap sheet the known relatives section had been marked: not applicable. For a criminal under high security, I was hard pressed to find anything incriminating. More flipping had brought to light a _different_ rap sheet, same picture, same criminal, but more information. As it turned out, Greenleaf was an acquired name. The pixie had married a century or so back, and then divorced with the money. Before then, her name had been Koboi.

Aster Koboi, now Aster Greenleaf, was cousins with Opal Koboi. She had stock in the goblin rebellion her cousin had so ingeniously funded. When it fell, so fell the Koboi industrial empire. Aster had lost her cousin, and her money, all in one swoop. She had married by now, and at least had a different last name to help her save face. However, Aster never let go of her grudge. A grudge against the person she believed responsible for the whole fiasco, a certain Artemis Fowl the Second. According to her file, the pixie had melted down when they came to take her in. The charges against her included but were not limited to bank fraud, tax evasion, refusal to cooperate, battery of a police officer and several parking demeanors. After being dragged into a high security prison cell, the LEP officer in charge swore he heard her ranting and raving about ruining that Mud Whelp just as he had done to her. She had promised to take from him everything he had once held precious, every person and thing he cared for.

Well, I would like to see her try. She and her cronies could take Kris. I'd laid the bait out for the whole world to find. They would take Kris, and I would find them. The cat takes the mouse and the dog takes the cat. And the storm moved closer.

**.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.**

"Artemis!" Kris's happy voice drifted over the crowds surrounding me at Dublin Airport. "You came to pick me up!"

She didn't have to sound so surprised. Wasn't this the type of thing that boyfriends did? I shifted awkwardly as I watched her approach. Forcing a smile on my face, I thought over my decision.

Had it been right to pick her up? Was I making some sort of mistake? I couldn't mess up now that everything was so close. The O'Connor boy hadn't mentioned anything about picking her up, although he had seemed rather agitated when I saw him last…

"Kris," I said, my smile more genuine by the time she reached me. "Welcome back." I held out my arms to hug her, and she gladly accepted the gesture.

My girlfriend tilted her head slightly, pulling back a little to look at me. "Are you alright, Artemis? You seem a little off today."

Damn, she was more observant than I thought. My mind was still elsewhere, trying to work out any last minute details, making sure there was nothing I had missed.

"Don't worry Kris, I'm fine." I soothed. "Let's get you back to school, shall we? You must be tired." It was my turn to give her a one over.

Kris laughed and nodded. "I didn't sleep on the plane," she admitted. "So that actually sounds like the best idea I've heard all day."

**.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.**

Kris fell asleep in the Bentley on the way back to the school. Her head was resting on my shoulder, and she was snuggled in to my side. She was very peaceful in her sleep. It was hard to imagine such a troublesome person could ever be so innocent and quiet.

It had been easy, almost criminally so, to forget Kris when she hadn't been around me. But now that she was here, and so close, I was having second thoughts. She was an innocent, and had been so kind to me. I was well aware that Aster would not let her go through this whole ordeal unscathed and happy. I was…conflicted, now. On one side, I knew that these…feelings that were tumbling around inside of me would only get in the way of logical thinking and planning. They did nothing but cloud the mind and judgment. On the other, I was still a teenage boy, and as loath as I was to admit the fact, there was no running for puberty. I might not care for her, but she _attracted_ me. I couldn't help it. Plus, she had never been anything but kind to me. Could I really do this to her?

Then I thought of the alternative, my mother in Kris's position, and my heart hardened just enough to make the difference. Yes, I could do this to her. But I would satisfy that other side of me, the side that cared in its own selfish way. There was something I needed to promise her.

"Kris," I said gently, shaking her slightly to wake her up. She mumbled slightly and tried to shake me off. "Kris." I said with more force. It was now or never. "I need to tell you something."

"Ernnh?" She managed, shifting some more and blinking up at me through sleep-filled eyes.

Reaching down, I rubbed her eyes gently. I couldn't help it, she was…cute tired. Just as soon as the thought entered my head, I made myself forget it. The moment she became my girlfriend to my mind was the moment my plan failed.

"I promise you, I will do _**anything in my power**_ to keep you safe, got it?" There was a throb in my voice and it surprised me.

"Thaz great, Ar'mis." She responded blearily. "I'm gonna sleep now, kaay?"

With that, she yawned and closed her eyes before cuddling back into my side.

After that, I didn't bother her. Perhaps I would promise her again when she was conscious.

**.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.**

When we arrived to school, Kris headed off. Someone had slipped her a note by the gates, and she had looked at it with minimal interest before telling me goodbye and heading off. She seemed vaguely preoccupied, but it didn't bother me much. Even girls had their off days. Besides, she would be back later. I was sure of that.

Rolling my shoulders, I headed back to my dorm room. There was nothing much to do besides wait now. All of my cards had been played.

**.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.**

The hours crept by, and Kris had not shown up. Where on Earth was that girl? It was possible she had headed back to her dorm and fallen asleep, but somehow I doubted that. She had seemed active enough after we'd gotten out of the car. And she hadn't been walking in the direction of the dorms. She'd headed for the classrooms. It hadn't struck me as weird at the time, but now that I thought about it… A chill ran down my spine. Perhaps…

A loud banging on my door interrupted my thoughts. Ah, Kris must've done something to the O'Connor boy again. Relief flooded through me. She was safe. I didn't have to call Sector Eight quite yet.

"Coming!" I called as I got up from the bed I had been lying on and headed towards the door.

However, it was not Kris who was staring at me when I opened it. It was Raleigh O'Connor.

"Alright Fowl," he said, looking very antsy and irritated. "Where is she?"

I blinked, thrown for a loop. Kris was not with him? She had not returned to her dorm. This was bad. If she was not with him and she was not with me… "Who?" I asked, distracted, even though I knew damn well who he was talking about.

"You know damn fecking well who I'm talking about!" He snapped, glowering down at me. I had never really noticed how tall he was until just now. "Where's Kris?"

"So she isn't with you then," I muttered, a sinking feeling in my gut.

Raleigh's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. He appeared just as thrown as I was now. "Kris isn't with you?"

I shook my head. "No…" I replied slowly. "No she's not."

They had done it, Aster and her goons had taken her. Kris was gone. My girlfriend was gone. The storm had hit at last.

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Things definitely pick up fast from here. :) I've got finals next week, and I still have so minor plot glitches and details to work out, but I'll try to update soon. Remember, the Rapid Review Rabbit loves you!


	17. Feeling Unloved

**::There's A **_**Girl**_** At St. Bartleby's!:: Chapter Sixteen**

**Memo**: So it's finally here! I had so many problems getting motivated to write this. it was horrible. I hate writing depressing things, so this chapter was....resistant. And reluctant. I had to put myself on Write or Die! (Thanks, Kit9888). So here goes nothing... I'm sorry if it's shorter and a bit less humorous than normal. Carrots help your night vision, in case anyone was wondering what the hell Kris is talking about in the second paragraph.

**::Story Start::**

The first thing I remember is pressure. Unbelievable, incredible pressure pressing down on what seemed like every single part of my body. It was agony, I felt like I was on fire. Gasping, I spasmed violently, and my eyes shot open.

There was nothing above me. It was dark. Creepishly dark, actually. Usually the rooms in the school were never pitch black like this. There was always light filtering in through the windows, or a lone cell phone backscreen shining from behind a "cleverly" placed backpack. Here, there was nothing. I couldn't see anything, my night vision was refusing to kick in. It was as if the years I had spent gobbling down carrots had never happened.

For all that my eyes failed to tell me, my other senses were making up for. Everything seemed to amplify itself, like my body had just kicked itself into hyper drive. From across the room, I could hear the sound of something moving. There were footsteps and harsh, uneven breathing. Somewhere in the background there was a computer whirring away. Strangest, however, was the sound of what must've been hooves. But what on earth was a horse doing inside of a house? At least, I think I was in a house. The night sky just didn't get this dark. Not even in Ireland.

The air was cold, damp. It was suffocating thick, and seemed to hang in place, unmoving. It smelled something awful as well, like a weird mixture of sunscreen, cabbage, and… Was that chocolate?

"_This_ is her?" A cold, feminine voice cut sharply through the air. A shiver of uncontrolled fear ran down my spine. Who ever this was, they meant business. "_This_ is his most precious thing?"

"Yes ma'am," another voice (deeper this time, more like gravel) replied. "This has to be the one. She was the only female there."

With a jolt, I realized they were talking about _me. _Suddenly, it all came back to me, spinning in a horrifying kaleidoscope of memories.

The note some boy had handed me as I left Artemis's Bentley, hastily scribbled and uneven. It had been from Finnegan, he had had something important to tell me. He'd wanted to meet me in the drama department, and so I had gone there. Fool, I chided myself. A naïve little fool, that's what I was. Looking back, it was clear the handwriting had not been Finn's at all. But I had gone anyway, because what on Earth could happen to a girl on such a well protected campus? Fool! I had waited there for at least twenty minutes, exploring the ancient, empty building. Finn had not come, of course. But someone else had. Someone short and incredibly ugly, practically covered in coarse brown hair. He had said something in a language I did not recognize, and then there had been the sound of hooves clomping over the granite floors, I was sure of it. Something cold and wet had been thrown over my eyes, and then I had blacked out.

Kidnapped. That was the word for my situation. I had been kidnapped. By a hairy midget and someone riding a horse indoors.

There was a snort. "Well, obviously." The feminine voice sneered. "I'm glad you were able to tell that much Turnroot. Perhaps you should give up your life of crime and go into the teaching profession. I'm sure you'd excel at that. They could make a whole new class for you, How To Point Out The Obvious."

Whoever Turnroot was, he did not reply. Instead, he began to move and a few moments later the computer stopped whirring.

"Miss Koboi," a new voice, clipped and deadly, sounded from my right.

There were three of them, then. Where had the third been, when I was abducted? Perhaps it had been the boy who given me the note…after all, they would need some sort of inside source. They had known I was the only girl there: a detail Mr. O'Connor had assured me would be kept quiet.

"_Greenleaf_," the girl's voice hissed. "Call me Miss Greenleaf!"

"Miss Greenleaf," her companion obliged. "It's the Mud Girl, she's awake."

Mud Girl? What on Earth were they talking about? I shifted nervously, and realized for the first time that I was bound to some sort of bed. I could feel the sheets rustling underneath me as I moved, and there were ropes on my wrists and ankles that cut into my circulation rather painfully. Whoever had tied these suckers certainly knew what they were doing.

"Excellent." The voice purred with sadistic delight. Within seconds, I could feel her presence besides me. How was this possible? I had not heard anything move. This person, whoever it was, could move without making any sound. A pit was growing in the bottom of my stomach.

"Our little Sleeping Beauty finally wakes up," her daunting voice rang in my eyes, chilling me to the bone. "Take the blindfold off, Malcuem, let the little Mud Whelp see what she's dealing with."

A blindfold. That would explain the unnatural darkness. No wonder my night vision had failed me. I should've guessed, I should've known.

Malcuem obeyed, and I figured he must be the one on a horse as the sound of clip-clopping hooves drew closer and finally stopped right behind my head. Fingers groped at the fabric wrapped tightly around my head, lifting it up off the surface of the bed before dropping it back down, not bothering to soften my fall.

The room was dark even without the blindfold but I could see the vague outline of a room and ceiling from where I lay captive. Suddenly, the shape of a body took over my line of sight.

It was a girl; probably no more than a child and judging by her height, she couldn't have been older than four years old. A vast amount of curls surrounded her tiny, pixie-like face and pale eyes glared down at me from under perfectly arched eyebrows. There was no way any one with features that developed could be four years old. And the way she talked…toddlers don't speak like that. What had I gotten myself into?

"So this is Kristina Nicole Smith," the girl said, her voice as sweet as poisoned honey. "Former recent of Seattle, Washington, current resident of St. Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen in Ireland. Height: 5 feet 6 and ½ inches. Eye color: Blue. Blood type: AB. Eldest of three children, 8-year-old sister Hope, 15-month-old brother Noah."

Another spasm of fear shot through my veins, but this time it was not for me. My family. She knew my family. She had _seen_ them, knew how old they were, knew their names, knew where we lived…if there was anything good and holy about the world, she would leave them alone. I don't know what I had done to end up here, but she would not touch them…would she?

"No known physical ailments. Appears to be in perfect health." My captor continued to rattle off my personal information as naturally as if she was discussing the weather. Either she had not noticed my discomfort, or she did not care. "You're a straight B-plus student. You've never been on the wrong side of the law. Yet you tangle yourself up with the likes of Artemis Fowl. If I cared, I would ask how such a good girl could fall so far. But I don't, and I don't think I ever will."

As she spoke, the four-year-old who was not a four-year-old seemed to…_float_ and the next minute she was sitting on my stomach, staring down at me as if she was a cat who had just found a particularly plump mouse.

"Do you know who I am, Kristina Nicole?" she asked, and with every passing moment she reminded less of a child and more of a black mamba, beautiful, elegant and incredibly dangerous.

I could not answer, my vocal cords seemed to have rusted over. I could not even shake my head no, my paralyzed body did not seem to want to respond to what my frantic brain was telling it.

The black mamba waited for a moment, before sighing. "No answer? Figures. I simply can not figure out what that little Mud Whelp sees in you!" she exclaimed, giving my shaking figure a critical one-over.

What in the name of God was a Mud Whelp? It was the second time the phrase had been mentioned, and I still couldn't grab my mind around it. Perhaps it was a code name….but for what? Something in the back of my brain told me I was missing a vitally important part of this equation. But what? What had I over-looked…?

"You aren't really attractive," once again she was paying no attention to my reactions. "You don't appear to be good at anything athletic, you certainly have nothing compared to his brains…but then again, perhaps he likes plain, boring and ugly." She said with a shrug.

The insults stung. I was not used to having people bad-mouth me like this to my face. At least, not since I had come to Ireland. There had been plenty of it back at school, but in different situations. None of the catty little wannabe's from school could hold a candle to this. This little girl, she said the insults as if they were nothing, just pleasant everyday conversation between two close friends. Yet lying just underneath the surface…malice. Cold, hatred-fueled malice.

A look of faux concern crossed the pixie-like features staring down at me. She allowed her large lips to form into a pout and ran on cold finger down the side of my cheek. "Poor little thing." She crooned. "No one loves you."

Automatically, my brain scrambled to correct her. Images of my mother and father flashed across my memory, they were laughing with me, hugging me close, tucking me in at night. They loved me, surely. Hope and Noah were next, crying in the car as they dropped me off at the airport. Little Hope had insisted I give four hugs and two kisses before she had let go of my arm and allowed me to leave. Guilt ran through me. I had not called them. Not even once. Shelby had said they were worried…surely they must love me as well. All my friends, Shelby, Andrew, Leslie, and most recently, Finnegan, Jacob, Raleigh. They might not love me exactly the same way my family did, but they cared, I was sure. Finally…Artemis. My boyfriend. The one who claimed he loved me, who kissed me and held me, who allowed me to pry into his private life. He was the last person I had seen before this had happened. Something in the back of mind assured me that he, too, cared. There was a reason, I was sure of it. But the memory was half-clouded with sleep, I could not make sense of it.

"You've got it, Miss Greenleaf," the voice I now recognized as Malceum's spoke up. "I can see it clearly now. She's thinking of him as we speak."

How did he know what I was thinking? Telepaths did not exist. They were nothing more than a fairy tale, an elaborate story to thicken the plot and give it a nice twist.

"Au contraire, little human." Malcuem said with a chuckle. "That's just what we want you think. Works quite well, doesn't it child?"

Miss Greenleaf-Koboi's faux concern instantly vanished and was replaced with severe irritation. "Malcuem, what have I told you about intimidating the victim?" she snapped, turning her head away from mine to stare at her henchman. "That's my job. Stick to the grunt work."

Malcuem did not reply, clip-clopping his way off instead.

"Now," the girl said pleasantly. "Where were we? Ah yes," she chirped, leaning in a running a finger along my face again. The finger was pressing in harder this time, it's perfectly manicured nail dragging along my flesh and leaving a faint scar. "No one loves you."

This time my brain trigged a response that more than just memories. "No," I gasped, my voice thick with disuse. "That's a lie."

"Excuse me?" My captor kept up her pleasant pretense, but the nail dug in a little harder.

"That's a lie." I repeated, my voice a little stronger. "Artemis loves me."

There was a pause as the girl stared down at me. Then after a moment, she let out a loud laugh. It was cold, gleeful and as poisonous as her voice. "Artemis loves me." She mimicked cruelly, making my voice high and breathy. "ARTEMIS loves me!"

"It's true!" I protested. "It's true."

"Has he ever _told_ you he loved you, you foolish little girl?" The pixie-girl asked, leaning in closer, her face malicious.

I paused, unable to speak. I knew the answer to that question. It was no. He hadn't. Despite the kisses, the hugs, the menial shows of affection, Artemis had never said he loved me. Oh, he had said he liked me. He had said that plenty of times. But love had never been part of the equation. I had always just assumed he had left the same way for me as I did for him, but didn't know how to express it. But what this girl was saying…

"He loves me." My protest was meek, self-conscious. "I know he does."

"Mud Girl, I don't think we're talking about the same Artemis Fowl." I did not bother me that she knew Artemis's full name as well. My mind was currently numb with doubt. "Because the Artemis Fowl I know only has one person that matters to him, and that would be himself. He cares for nothing but money and gold. And honey, you don't look much like either." She was insulting me that casual way again, I could just tell. "But hey, prettier girls than you have been played before. And I think I'm going to enjoy watching you break." With the hand that wasn't creating little scars on my face, she patted my cheek like a baby.

Watch me break? What was she talking about now? I didn't know, but I had a horrible feeling that I was going to find out.

"What if he doesn't make contact, Miss Koboi?" Turnroot asked from across the room.

"GREENLEAF!" The girl shrieked. "And he WILL contact! I have bones to pick with that little insufferable whelp." She growled, her features terrifyingly beautiful with rage.

"But just say he didn't…" Turnroot hedged, his gravelly voice filled with nerves.

"For the love of Frond, Turnroot." She snapped. "The boy put a tracker in her clothes. A tracker made from _our_ technology. The know-it-all may not love her, but he must put some value on her well being. Although I can't imagine why." She muttered the last part, hovering again until she was out of my sight. "He will contact us."

"Miss," Malcuem this time. "It's been three days."

Three days. My mind reeled. Through the haze, Artemis's voice rose unbidden in my mind. '_I will do **anything in my power **to keep you safe_.' That's what he had promised me, what my sleep-laden mind had tucked away for another time. '_**Anything in his power**_'….well, look where that had gotten me so far. Exhausted and tormented, my mind finally gave up the battle to stay functioning. Artemis had been using me, he did not care, not one little bit. With those unpleasant thoughts ringing through my mind, I blacked out, and was gone once more.

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....Yeah. That's that. Remember, the Rapid Review Rabbit loves you all so much!


	18. Treacherous, Poisonous Words

**::There's A **_**Girl**_** At St. Bartleby's!:: Chapter Seventeen**

**Memo:** Sorry this update took so long! I really am. Last weekend was our school play, ad the week before that was tech week. Then the weekend before _that _I had to go on this retreat for confirmation. Plus, I've been getting a lot of essays and school work. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Anyway… Wow. I've gotta tell you, you'll never know exactly how much people like your OC until you stick her in the same room as a psychopath pixie. There are also a lot more Artemis/Kris shippers than I'd thought too. I'm glad to know there are more of you hiding in the shadows. Ha ha! This one's from Raleigh's point of view for the sake of continuity. So you won't get a good look into Artemis's mind for another chapter. Sorry about that. Oh yeah, a chorkle is somewhere between a chuckle and a laugh.

**Disclaimer: I am still not Eoin Colfer. So I still not own Artemis Fowl. My life is sad.**

Garda=an Irish police officer

Guard=Garda

RTÉ One=major Irish news channel

At it= …oh, just figure it out.

Cod=have someone on, play a trick

**_The longer page breaks (.::.) are flashbacks, Fanfiction's not agreeing with me._**

**::Story Start::**

"May the saddest day of your future.

Be no worse than the happiest day of your past"

--Irish blessing

In total, it took about a day for the word of Kris's kidnapping to leak to the press. Then they ascended, like vultures to a kill. Within no time at all, RTÉ One anchormen were flitting around the school grounds with their cameras trailing close behind, asking questions to anyone they could sink their claws in to.

My father had barricaded himself in his office. The phone lines were ringing off the hook, and he stubbornly refused to speak with the press. St. Bartleby's was a rich kids school. If a common American girl could get kidnapped, so could a snotty little rich boy. Parents were panicking left, right and center; Shane Bagley had already been pulled out. Da was at his wits end trying to keep all the parents reassured. Finally, he had to resort to calling in the Garda. Soon, men in bright neon jackets were roaming the grounds. In the short course of two days, the school had been turned completely upside down.

To add the chaos, the press finally got a hold of Kris's contacts. The moment they discovered she had several friends around the school, they pounced. Merciless, they hounded the four of us until we'd agreed to give an interview. Mine was scheduled for later that afternoon.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

RTÉ's dedicated crew had taken less than ten minutes to transform my less than presentable dorm room into an interview room for two. Lights were set up around my chair, and the reporter had dragged Kris's chair across the room so we would be on the same plane.

I'd never given an interview before. They gave me a glass of water, apparently it got pretty warm when the lights turned on, and told me they'd start whenever I was ready. Unsure, I nodded and the lights cued up.

Jaysus. Those things are in no way, shape or form dim. I blinked for a few minutes, momentarily disoriented.

The anchor smiled. "So, your name is Raleigh O'Connor, is that correct?" I nodded my response, still blinking furiously to get the spots out of my eyes, and he continued. "Your father is the school's headmaster. Is that awkward for you?"

"Err, no." I said awkwardly once I regained my sight. "I mean, he's great."

He leaned in closer. "We've heard that you were close with Miss Kristina Smith." He stated, before turning a little to face the camera. "For those of you who haven't heard, Miss Smith was St. Bartleby's first female exchange student. After arriving back to school from a visit to her family back in the States, Miss Smith mysteriously vanished. Despite their best efforts, the Garda cannot figure out the motive behind this crime, or where the young girl might be." Here he paused, probably for some sort of dramatic effect, and turned back to me. "The pair of you are close." He repeated, as if I'd somehow forgotten. "Can you tell us exactly what your relationship is?"

Well, shit.

"Erm," I said, stalling desperately. There was no way in hell I was telling him we slept in the same room.

The anchor leaned forward with anticipation, a vague smile on his face.

"We're roommates." I confessed, fidgeting.

"Oh ho!" He chorkled, raising an eyebrow. "And the plot thickens! I have to ask, Raleigh. Where were you the time of her disappearance?" The man joked.

"In class." I said stubbornly. There was no way they were going to pin this on me. Just to prove that I had nothing to hide, I took a mouthful of water. Guilty people never touch what the authorities give them, crime shows had taught me that much.

"If you don't mind me asking, there's something I'm sure the public wants to know." Without even stopping to look for my consent, he ploughed on with his question. "Were the pair of you…at it?"

Turns out taking that big mouthful of water was not a good idea. Spluttering in indignation, I half-choked, half-swallowed the water, thumping myself on the chest heavily. Jaysus CHRIST, were these people trying to kill me? 'The public wanted to know' my fecking arse!

"What the…Why on Earth…" I spluttered some more, and I could just feel the back of my neck and the tips of my ears turning red. "Are you fecking _codding _me?"

Oh great. Now I'm swearing on national TV. Maybe I'll catch a break, and Da won't be watching this in his office right now…

I didn't even get a response for my choking fit. All the blasted man did was lean in closer, waiting for more.

I swear to God I am never, ever watching RTÉ ever again.

"We're _roommates!_" I protested. "It's not even like that! I mean, I dyed her _white_ for love of god! I poured dye in the pools and turned her fecking white!"

Somewhere not too far off, I could just feel Finnegan bashing his head against a wall. After all the work he put in to making our pranks untraceable, I out myself on national TV. He was going to right about murder me when I saw him next.

"But are you two at it?" He asked again, relentless.

All the energy seemed to drain from my body. This was hopeless. Groaning, I slid as far down in my seat as I could, and covered my face with my hands. This was quare, really…just fecking quare. To distract myself, I thought back to yesterday afternoon when we had discovered Kris was missing in the first place…

**.::.::..::.::.::..::.::..::.::.::.::..::.::..::.::.::.::.**

"Alright Fowl," I snapped, antsy and irritated. This is not exactly how I had planned this conversation going. Kris would be opening the door, for one. If this had gone the way I wanted, I'd never even have to see the boyfriend I was tearing her away from. "Where is she?"

Fowl blinked, thrown for a loop. Well, that sure was as first. I'd never seen him caught off guard before. Frankly, I liked it. Perhaps I'd intimidate him more often… "Who?" he asked, distracted.

Oh please, who else would I be talking about? Did he seriously think me a fool? "You know damn fecking well who I'm talking about!" I glowered down at the boy, he was much shorter up close… then again, most people were short compared to me. "Where's Kris?"

"So she isn't with you then," Fowl muttered, the most peculiar look flashing across his face.

My eyebrows came together in confusion. It took me a moment to realize that he was worried. Artemis Fowl was worried. "Kris isn't with you?"

He shook his head, and a dull ringing sound began to fill my ears. "No…" Artemis said slowly. "No she's not." For a moment, Fowl's eyes went completely blank, glazing over as if he was seeing the future, and he did not like what he saw. He took a deep, almost shaky breath. This was the most panicked I'd ever seen the boy, and the part of me that wasn't ringing enjoyed it with an almost vicious joy.

"Then…where the hell is she?" I asked, confused.

"Gone." He said simply, sitting down on his bed. It was only a brief moment before he was composed again. "They've taken her, then." He mumbled to himself, his blue eyes laser-sharp.

"Who's taken her?" I demanded, trying to fight off the ringing. "Where's she gone?"

Fowl merely shook his head and averted his eyes.

Furious for an answer, I took a step towards him as Jake's voice sounded out from behind me.

"Hey!" He cried, startled. "There you are, Raleigh! Finn and I were just starting to worry. Did you talk to Kris yet?" my friend asked, glancing warily between Fowl and myself.

I shook my head, not even bothering to look at Jacob. Instead, my eyes were trained on Fowl, waiting for the answer he was not going to give me.

"She's gone, Jake." I said hollowly, confusion and anger lingering just beneath the surface. "And _Artemis_," his name came out in a hiss. "Won't tell me where she's been taken."

"Kris has been taken somewhere?" It was Finn's voice this time, soft and confused, which joined the conversation. In a few short steps, he was right behind me, a hand placed gently on my shoulder. It took a moment before I realized that the hand was there to restrain me, if need be.

"Yes". Fowl replied, obviously growing tired of speaking with us. "Kris is gone." His voice was terse and to the point, and it irritated the hell out of me. "There is no doubt in my mind that whoever did this did it to get to me, a causality of being my acquaintance," Here he shrugged, giving off the air that this was only to be expected, that what had happened to Kris was sad but not entirely important. Everything that happened in the past month began bubbling up inside of me, uncontrolled. Confusion mixed with a hurt and anger and before I knew it, I was genuinely furious. I wanted to punch the little punk in the goddamn face. "And I do not know where she has been taken. She is probably hours away by now."

"The way you talk about her," Jake's voice was disgusted. "It's like she's some sort of lost cause! You're a genius, aren't you? Get her back! You rob banks and outsmart criminals! How hard can it be to deal with one stupid kidnapping?"

Artemis blinked coolly. When he spoke again, his voice cut like steel, chilled and dangerous. "It _is_ a lost cause. You'd be better off just forgetting all about it. Let the Garda handle it, it's their job."

I snapped. In a flurry of movement, Jake moved to stop me. He wrapped his arms firmly around my waist and hauled backwards, dragging me away from Fowl. Blind with anger, I made to push him off of me, to get to the scrawny little runt just feet away from me.

He didn't deserve her! He didn't deserve all the thoughts Kris dedicated to him, all the kindness in her voice when she said his name, the special smile I'd seen her flash at him and only him, he didn't deserve any of it. Look at him, _look at him_! Standing there, heartless, when his own damn girlfriend's gone missing! He didn't have the decency to well up a few tears, to put on a good show for the goddamn audience. She's gone, taken away by some unknown stranger and hauled off to god knows where, and here he is telling us all it's a goddamn lost cause!

The ringing in my ears was deafening now, I was seeing red. I pushed Jake off of me at last, and made a move towards Fowl, a fist raised.

Then there was the sickening crunch of breaking bone, and I blinked, confused.

Artemis had stumbled back on to his bed, clutching at his broken nose. I stood several feet away, my fist still raised ready to deliver the blow I'd never landed. And there was Finnegan, _Finn_, standing over Artemis's bed with the most peculiar look on his face. My friend looked as if Artemis had just single-handedly sentenced his entire family to death row and killed his puppy with the family Bentley; running over it twice just to make sure it was dead.

"You promised." I had never heard Finn so angry in my life. "You told me you loved her, you bastard."

There was a heavy silence as all three of us stared at Finnegan, stunned. Finally, from his place on the bed Artemis uttered two treacherous, poisonous words.

"I lied."

**.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::..::.::..::.::.::.::..::.::..::.::.::.::.**

By the time the interview was over, I was beat tired. They had eventually moved on from my apparently intimate relationship with Kris, but it hadn't really gone uphill from there. Instead, I was drilled on what it was like to be at school with my father, if he harder on me because I was his son, and whether or not I did well in my classes. They barely mentioned Kris's name again, except at the every end when they announced the Garda was working very hard to find her.

Anxious to get out of my room, I headed over to Jake and Finn's, despite the fact I knew there wouldn't exactly be a warm welcome. Jake hadn't talked much to the either of us since the whole, 'Finn punching Artemis in the face' debacle. As for Finn, I was still pretty sure he was going to murder me on the spot.

"Hey," I said cautiously as I opened up their door.

Sure enough, Finn glowered at me as I walked in. He was laying on his bed, a giant map of the country spread out before him. "I'm not talking to you." He said, pulling his gaze away from me to focus on the map. There was a large red circle where our school was located, and smaller yellow circles that radiated outwards, getting bigger as they went.

"Fair enough," I replied, moving closer towards his bed. Tilting my head, I tried to get a better look at what my friend was doing. "Where's Jake?"

"Getting interviewed, I think." There was a dark edge to my friend's voice. Oh yes, he had definitely been watching.

"Sorry about that, Finn." I apologized, scratching the back of my head awkwardly.

He glowered at me again. "At least you didn't mention me or Jake." He relented after a few seconds of tense silence. "And it could've been worse."

I said nothing, waiting for him to get the worst of it out. But my friend stayed silent as well, staring down at the map intently.

"I'm trying to figure out where she could've gone," Finn confessed at long last. "I mean, it's only been two days. She can't have gotten too far…" there was a desperate edge to his voice now.

Finn was missing her, too.

My phone rang just then, breaking the tension.

"That's me," I said unnecessarily, my voice peppered with surprise as I brought the phone up to my ear.

"Hello?" I asked.

"We're roommates." Deidre's voice hissed at me from the other end.

Ah, she'd been watching too, then. Could this day **get **any worse?

"I'm sorry?" I quipped. "What are you getting at, anyway?"

"_We're roommates_." Deidre hissed again. Ugh, I was in for in now. I knew that tone of voice. It was reserved for the people who pissed her off. What the hell had I done wrong this time? "Not: 'Oh no, it's not like that, I've got a girlfriend', but 'We're roommates'!"

Ah. Shit…

"Deidre, Dei, listen-" I tried to reason with her, and Finn looked up from his bed, curiously confused.

"Don't you 'Dei' me, Raleigh James!" Her voice was dangerous. "Do you even know what I had sit through?"

Probably not, I thought wearily. But I had a feeling I was about to find out.

"My parents were in the room, Raleigh!" Her voice was rising now, it wouldn't be too long until she was yelling. "I had to sit there and receive all their sympathetic glances! My mother is making a cake, Raleigh."

This can not be heading in a good direction. Dei's mom only bakes when people go through tough times. Like, oh, their boyfriend breaking up with them on national TV. Shit on a stick.

"Dei, love, I'm not breaking up with you."

Finn snorted in the background, I glared at him.

"Really? Try telling that to my family. They keep asking me who your new fling is!" Yes, she was most definitely yelling now. I winced.

"Dei, you're yelling."

"Goddamn right I'm yelling!" Why, why I did I have to pick the girlfriend with a temper? There were plenty of nice, calm, well-behaved girls out there in the world…"I've got every right to be yelling, Raleigh James! I am _sick_ of this…this…stupid little exchange student messing up our relationship!"

Suddenly, there was a sinking feeling in my gut. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "How on Earth is this Kris's fault?"

There was a stunned silence on the other end of the line. "You're defending her?" Deidre hissed.

"N-no," I fumbled around in my head, trying to think of a decent excuse for this. Dammit, this is why you think before you speak! "I just-"

"Oh, there's no need to explain yourself." My girlfriend's voice was full of a righteous fury I'd never heard her use before. "I know exactly what you're going to say."

Did she? That was news. I didn't even know what I was saying.

"It's about time you made a choice Raleigh." She said evenly.

"A choice?" I echoed dumbly.

"Yes. It's me, or her. You obviously can't have it both ways, so decide. Forget about the girl, or forget about me."

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Well, tell me what you think. :) The Rapid Review Rabbit loves you all!!


	19. Catching Up With Hormones

**::There's A **_**Girl **_**At St. Bartleby's!:: Chapter Eighteen**

**Memo:** Well folks, I'm back! Hope you didn't miss me too much. Luckily, pretty much all of my major projects are over. Then I just have finals. Hmm… Anyway, dang I missed you guys! Seriously. It killed me a little inside every time a reviewer asked me to update and I simply did not have the time. You guys are my inspiration and my life-blood, if it wasn't for you, this story wouldn't have gotten off of it's feet. Sorry if it feels like the pace of the plot is moving slower than the Comcast turtles. Maybe it's my uncanny ability to update on time (*cough*) or maybe I just suck at plot outlining. Ha ha! Enjoy this; it's for all of you.

Oh yes, this takes place before a lot of computers had built-in cameras.

We're now officially on page 100 in Word!!

**Disclaimer: If I owned Artemis Fowl, Root would still be alive and Artemis would wear a lot more leather.**

"_**When you see my face**_

_**Hope it gives you hell**_

_**Hope it gives you hell."**_

_.::.::.::. Start.::.::.::.::._

Things had gotten…complicated since the day that Kristina was kidnapped. The nurse had tended to my broken nose as best she could, and sent me back to my room with an ice pack for comfort. I had not left it since then. For one, my relationship with Kristina's posse had turned from icy to poisonous. I had no idea what they might do to me if they saw me again but I knew enough to realize it would be in no way, shape or form pleasant. I needed security. I needed Butler. And there was only one way I was going to be able to get him.

The Headmaster.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

"Thank you again for meeting with me, Headmaster." I said as I seated myself before him. It had taken me longer than I expected to meet with the man, partially because I could no longer use the obvious walkways to get around my own school.

The old man looked tired, more worn-out, than he had when I'd met with him last. His gray hair seemed to be receding as I watched, and there were deep lines around his hazel eyes. Briefly, I wondered if he gotten any sleep lately. I couldn't help feeling just a little bit remorseful; after all, it was entirely my fault he was in this situation. Of course, that won't stop me from what I was about to do.

Headmaster O'Connor sighed, and rubbed his temple with crinkled hands. "I assure you, young Artemis, the pleasure is all mine." His voice reminded me of my own fathers, deep and somewhat comforting. "What are we discussing today?"

Ah, good. His son had been around to see him yet. This was an asset I had not counted on, it was sure to make things easier. Now the only people to hear my lies about my inability to retrieve Kristina were the people currently fiercely pretending I no longer existed. Excellent.

Straightening my tie, I looked straight into his hazel eyes. "I can get Kris Smith back to you." My words were straightforward, and there was no mistaking the truth in them. I was not here to fool him like I had fooled his son.

My headmaster looked up, stunned. Whatever he had expected me to say, it had not been this. A flicker of hope glimmered in his eyes. Any idiot could tell he liked what I was offering. Who wouldn't? With Kris back, there wouldn't be parents calling at odd hours of the night, media would stop hovering around the school like vultures around a kill, he could assure the complete safety of his students... The only question was what would he be willing to give to have it done?

"You could-?" The old man cut himself off and shook his head, as if remembering exactly who he was talking to. "Very well, Artemis, you have my attention."

I smiled, satisfied. Good. Time to make a bargain.

"Of course, I'm not doing this for free." I stated matter-of-factly.

The Headmaster muttered something that sounded awfully like: "Of course you're not, coming from a family of robber barons like yours." A muscle twitched behind my eye, and I decided to ignore him.

"I have just two." I stated. "One, I want the media out of this." The last thing I needed was a massive mind-wipe of the entire Irish population. "Second, I want protection. certain…events have no assured me of my safety at this school." As if happy to prove my point, my nose throbbed and Kristina's face rose unbidden into my mind. I blinked, willing it away. Now was no time to be thinking about the girl.

Headmaster O'Connor nodded. "Alright, I can easily provide that for you, child. My bodyguards are top-notch, I assure you."

Frowning, I rapped my knuckles on his mahogany desk, demanding his attention. "That will not be necessary. Butler can be here within the hour."

For the first time in our meeting, Headmaster O'Connor looked annoyed. "Artemis, you do recall that Butler has been indefinitely banned from school grounds."

If he wanted to play hardball, then so could I. Abruptly, I stood up and turned towards the door. "Thank you for your time, Headmaster." I said shortly.

Butler was quickly becoming an essential part of my plan. It was now evident that I would not be able to get Kris back without some sort of muscle behind me, and my first choice in that region had attempted to punch me in the face. Besides, I was quite sure that Butler would not mind me pulling him out of his semi-retired state.

Behind me, Headmaster O'Connor sighed again. "Artemis," he was desperate, then. "I..."

There was a pause. I didn't move towards the door, and he seemed to be gathering his thoughts.

"Alright, Artemis. It can be done." His voice was tired, resigned.

"Thank you, Headmaster." Was my smug reply as I walked out of his office.

Time to call Butler.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

As I had predicted, it took Butler less than an hour to arrive at St. Bartleby's.

When he finally found me in my dorm room, I was brooding over Kristina.

Now that she was gone, I was beginning to doubt my actions. Aster was ruthless, if I left her alone with Kris for too long, I wasn't sure what would be left of the girl. Was it really fair for me to condemn her to that sort of fate, just so my family would stay safe? I could've found a different way to capture the rogue, vengeful fairy. There was no logical reason I had needed to drag the girl into this mess with me. Everything I had told Holly earlier, all of the well thought out reasons I had given her, seemed to wither before my eyes. Was usefulness the only reason I had kept Kristina around?

A nagging voice in the back of my head, one that I usually tried my best to ignore, told me I was wrong. I had kept the girl around because she intrigued me. She was like no one I had ever met before, and I've met a lot of people. When she smiled, it seemed like she was smiling just for you. When she laughed, it always managed to come out a little surprised. For once, there had been someone in my life who did not utter despise me, or think of me only in terms of how much money I was worth. I looked at her, and sometimes it made me think of Mother. They had the same way of speaking to me, strict but caring, oblivious yet completely aware.

I cared for her.

The revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. Somehow, along the way, I had let Kris Smith get under my skin and into my heart. My mind reeled in a mix of disgust at my weakness, and delight at my gain.

"Artemis," Butler's voice snapped me back in to reality. There was no time for this…_feeling_ nonsense. There was work to be done.

"Ah, Butler. At last!" I said, turning to face my hulking bodyguard. "I trust you got here well?"

Butler nodded, dropping a large bag on to the vacant bed.

"And you brought the rest of it, good." I praised, staring at the bag. It contained, if Butler had followed orders, every last bit of fairy technology in my possession. As well as any and all portable electronic devices we had at the Manor.

"There's something I want to bring up with you, Artemis." Butler said sternly.

"A kidnapping, Artemis." Butler said when I made no attempt to stop his thoughts.

Ah, I should have known this was coming. Butler had never been a fan of my illegal activities, especially the kidnapping of a certain Holly Short. Of course he would catch on faster than any other news-watchers in my family. No doubt it was bringing back unpleasant memories. I had drugged them both at the end, and Butler had fought for his life.

"It's different this time my friend." I assured him, standing up.

Butler's silence was more than enough to display his mild skepticism.

"Last time, I was young, foolish and arrogant. That was a mistake I could not quite control, a mistake that will not happen again. They have something of mine that I want back."

One look in my eyes, and Butler could tell I wasn't lying.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

Two hours later, and I had compiled a sort of webcam that I had attached to my own laptop. It allowed me to find the IP address of my partner, as well as their real-time location. Granted, I was breaking several rules and statutes with this, but I really didn't give a damn. Rules had never stopped me before.

Once I made contact with Koboi, I had her. She wouldn't move, she enjoyed baiting me far too much for that. Hopefully, the LEP involvement had not been brought to Aster's attention. The element of surprise is not something we could afford to loose. The LEP would bust Koboi, charge her with whatever crimes they saw fit, and carry her off to rot in fairy prison. Maybe they could find a cell with a couple of goblin friends for her to stay in. Koboi was always a good name to mention in a goblin's presence.

The only problem would be finding a way to contact her. The tracker in Kris's clothes had given me a three-mile radius for her location, but to set up any sort of communication line, I would need a direct link to their computer. Unfortunately, I did not have that type of computer power at my fingertips trapped inside this mundane school.

There was someone who did though, and I was sure it wouldn't take much persuasion to get him to share.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

"Holly," I said, once on the direct line down to Haven Holly herself had set up last time she was here. "I need a favor."

The elf grumbled. "You always need a favor."

I allowed her that. "Is Foaly nearby?"

There was a brief moment of static that could've been Holly sighing and a whiny in the background. "Yes, Artemis. Foaly is nearby. We're both rather curious about why you're calling for him. Has there been a glitch in your flawless plan?" There was a hint of snarky sarcasm in her voice.

"No, there has not been a glitch in the plan." I said, mildly annoyed. Why did there always have to be something wrong when I wanted a favor? "I just need Foaly's help for something."

More rustling and static on the other end, and then I could hear Foaly's voice.

"Alright, Mud Boy. What's your favor?"

"Ah, Foaly. Just the centaur I was looking for. I need to find a computer."

I could almost feel Foaly's curiosity peaking. What computer could I, the boy genius, need help finding? It would be a nice ego boost for the centaur of this I was sure.

"Really, Mud Boy. Well, you certainly found the right person for the job." There was a smug edge to his voice. I would never live this down, I could tell. "Fill me in."

"We're looking for Aster Koboi's computer. Her alias is Aster Greenleaf. I can give a three-mile radius of where it should be, but I don't have the computer power to find it myself," there was deep regret in my voice. There was nothing I would love more than to track her down. "The computer is probably somewhere near the coast, and far away from other human signals."

When Foaly replied, his voice was a little disappointed. Most likely, he had wanted a bigger challenge. "I have to admit Mud Boy, I was expecting something a little bit more challenging." He sulked slightly. "Give me a moment." In the background, I could hear the comforting sound of keyboard keys typing away. A few, brief minutes later and Foaly's satisfied whiny greeted my ears. "Alright Mud Boy, I've got her. In fact, the camera should be appearing in your desktop any minute now."

I did them the courtesy of not pretending to be surprised. Of course Foaly would have my computer under LEP surveillance, able to see and have access to whatever I was doing at any given time. Honestly, I expected nothing less by now.

"Thank you." I told him curtly, my heart thudding painfully in my chest. So close, we were so close. Soon, the vast annoyance that was Aster Greenleaf was going to be dealt with, and Kris would be back where she belonged. Here.

"Good luck, Mud Boy." Foaly sounded sincere as he broke off the connection.

It was business time. Taking a deep breath, I cleared my mind. I was still a little jittery, working myself down from the adrenaline hype my system had received once I'd realized the true nature of my relationship with Kris. There was no time for that now. I needed clarity, and a level head. Any wrong moves here, and all my planning and agony would go to waste. When I opened my eyes again, they were flint. I was going to get her back.

I clicked the connect button, and the screen flickered into life.

For a moment, I thought that Foaly had given me a phony address. The only thing I could see was darkness. Then, from outside the frame, I heard an intake of breath. A deep, gravelly voice echoed through the pitch-black room and out of my speakers.

"He's made contact."

There was the sound of a centaur moving across a cement floor and a flurry of wings. For a brief moment, I thought back to the day I had first become acquainted with that sound. Opal Koboi, furious and beautiful, careening at her disgruntled partner, wings and hover chair one big blur. The tides had turned since then, the storm was less threatening.

Then there was life on the screen in front of me. Bathed in the fluorescent light of her computer screen, Aster Koboi looked more like a demon or a ghost than the pixie she was. Her pointed ears were just popping out from underneath her curls. In her eyes, I could see the pure malice and hate directed my way. Vaguely, I wondered if my eyes had looked like that once too.

"Artemis Fowl," she purred. "And just when poor little Krissy was about to give up hope."

In the background, I could hear a faint, gasping noise. Was that Kris…? I blocked it out. Now was not the time. Now was not the time.

"You've taken something that belongs to me." I said coldly, barely blinking. Behind me, I could feel Butler moving into his customary place at my shoulder.

"Oh?" Aster simpered. "I was under the impression you didn't much care for her. The little fool cares for _you_, though. She even whimpers your name in her sleep." Her words were meant to hurt, to shake me away from my rationality. I was not going to humor her with a response.

"I intend to get her back." I stated coldly.

Aster laughed, spreading her arms wide. "You know where to find me, little Arty. Go right on ahead. Take your precious little girlfriend back."

"Oh, I will Aster. Do you know what happened when your cousin messed with me, Koboi?" I said coldly, leaning into the camera so she could see my eyes. "I'm sure you can remember. Let me refresh you." My voice was cold, it was as if I was eleven years old again, with no sense for anything but money, gold and control. She had crossed the wrong person. "She went into a coma, didn't she? Went stark-raving mad and had to be locked up."

Aster hissed, her beautifully dangerous features livid in rage. For a rash moment, I thought she was going to turn into a snake and bite me.

"GREENLEAF!" She shrieked, as if on instinct. "Malcuem! The girl!" She was hovering now, almost off the screen.

There was the sound of a centaur walking again, before a brief scream. Within seconds, the centaur had reached the glow of the computer's light, a crumpled Kris in his arms.

Five days of captivity had not been good for Kris. Her chocolate curls, once meticulously well cared for, hung in a tangled matt around her face. They did not appear to have feed her, and her body shook with fatigue. Aster had tied her wrists together painfully, the end of her fingers were tinged with blue. Along her face and arms were long, lancing scars, much like one would have if they dragged their fingernails across the skin.

My jaw was so tense my teeth were actually hurting. Nothing had prepared me for this. Of course, I knew they would hurt her. It had been Aster's point, after all. But to actually _see_ it, to see what they were doing to her, a complete innocent… I wanted to tell her the LEP were going to do horrible things to her. I wanted to tell her completely irrational ways I was going to harm her. But my petty vendetta was not worth loosing the surprise element I still held over her.

Aster's eyes were focused on my face, and there was a vicious happiness in her voice.

"There you go, Artemis. Take a nice long look. Have you ever heard a girl cry in pain? I've heard it's quite pathetic." My stomach twisted, I was not used to pain. "Malcuem," her voice was full of delight. This was a game to her, a happy reward for being a good girl. "Break her arm."

Kris's breathing hitched hysterically, and for the first time, she spoke. Just one word, soft and desperate, repeated over and over. My name. She was saying my name.

"Artemis. Artemis. Artemis. Artemis. _Artemis._ _Artemis. **Artemis.**_" It sounded like a prayer.

Then there was the hideous crack of human bone, a sound I heard not too long ago myself, and Kris cried out in pain. My stomach twisted again, heaving.

Aster was like a vengeful angel. "Remember who you're dealing with, you little fool. She's got 205 more breakable bones."

Butler's hand was gripping my shoulder as the connection was terminated.

Shaking slightly, I heaved into the garbage can, Kris's scream still ringing in my ears.

We were going to get her back.

.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.

Remember your Rapid Review Rabbit! It wuvs you so~ And has missed you all very much. Hope you enjoyed your welcome-back present. Did anyone notice it was significantly longer than normal? That wasn't even on purpose. :) It just all flowed out so well....


	20. Overthinking, Underthinking, Thinking

**::There's A Girl At St. Bartleby's!:: Chapter Nineteen**

**Memo**: I really need a memo for this. Frankly, I don't have too much to say. Besides the fact that it's been awhile since I've given all my reviewers their proper love and attention. You guys are the wind beneath my wings. Keep those beautiful, beautiful reviews coming. I can't even tell you how much they mean to me. This one's a little bit longer than normal as well.

Happy birthday ireallyneedalifebady! Love you lots, girl. Yeah, this dedication is a little bit lame, but it's already two days after your birthday and I used up all my energy embarrassing you in public. Aren't you glad you have friends who will sing to you in public places?

**Disclaimer: The closest I've come to owning Artemis Fowl are the books on my bookshelf.**

Sometimes, the best way to deal with something is not to deal with it at all.

Take my pain, for instance. Normally, when you're in pain all you have to do is pop a few pills and bam! It's gone. Advil, Tylenol, Vicoden, Aspirin, so many nice ways to fix your little problem. Normally, when you break a bone, all you need to do is head to the emergency room. Wait for a doctor, and they'll fix your pain. They'll set the bone, give you a nice sturdy cast and some pain meds and you on your merry way. Give it a few months and you're all healed. Hell, you can even get people to sign the cast while you wait. The pain is gone, over and done with.

I was not normal. There were no pills for me to pop. No Advil, and certainly no Vicoden. No doctor was coming to fix my arm. I would not get to pick out a color for my cast, or watch them set it. No, I would have none of that. I wouldn't even get any sympathy. Nobody here cared if I was in pain. If anything, they seemed to enjoy it. I bet you even that sly little "telepath's" _horse_ enjoyed my current plight. I swear I'd heard it laugh at me more than once.

So, since it wasn't going away anytime soon, it was better just not to think of it. It was hard, there was always the constant ache in the back of my mind, the brief moments of searing pain, but I was managing. Somehow, I was managing. From what I'd found, the more I thought about other things the easier it was to ignore my pain. And when you've been kidnapped, you suddenly find you have a lot of time to think about things, and a lot of things to think about.

For example, I now had the ample free time to catalog every single little thing that had gone wrong between Artemis and I. Every single indicator that I had blindly overlooked for the sake of 'love' that might've clued me in to the coming storm. And there had been so many of them, now that I could stop and think about it.

All the times he'd changed the conversation to keep it away from himself. I barely knew him, once I really thought about it. We'd been dating for two weeks, and friends for a month, and all I knew about him I'd learned from other people. Not once had Artemis ever offered up anything about his own life or family. Hell, I didn't even know his birthday. I didn't know my own fucking boyfriend's birthday. It was pathetic.

There had always been a careful distance to him, as well. He'd always held back a little. When we hugged, it didn't really last long. When we kissed, or when he kissed my forehead and face rather, it was even shorter. At first, I thought he was just nervous. After all, this was the first time he'd ever dated some one. How the hell could he know how these sorts of things worked? Obliviously head over heels, I had given him the benefit of my doubt. He loved me too, I assured myself. He was just working out the kinks, getting used to the ropes. More like throwing boulders in the road and cutting the ropes away, the little bastard.

Then there was the way he treated my friends. Shelby had always told me that a guy who couldn't get a long with your friends wasn't worth your effort. And I knew for a fact (since they hadn't exactly made it subtle) that Artemis distained the ground Raleigh, Jake and Finn walked on and that the feeling was quite mutual. I couldn't even get them in the same room, for Christ's sake! Raleigh would go all angst-ridden teenage boy on me, bailing at the first possible moment; Jake was just miserable as all get out, shooting Artemis looks filled with such suspicion and hate that it would make anyone uncomfortable; and Finn's unending and slightly creepy pride in Artemis had finally worn off and was now replaced with irritation. Part of me wondered how any of them survived the three days I'd been gone for Thanksgiving.

But not even the burning, self-righteous sense of betrayal growing in my heart could make the way I still wanted him vanish.

And I did, want him still I mean. Somehow, I couldn't help it. Artemis had worked his way into my system so entirely there was nothing either of us could possibly do to get him out. Yes, he had used me. The boy had used me so completely that if I thought about it too hard all that was left of me was a broken shell. But…I couldn't make myself hate him. I couldn't. If I did, I'd be no better than my captors. No better than the little girl who tortured me on his behalf, who spat out venom like it was honey and had a hard ball of pent-up malice where a heart should be. There was no way I was turning out like that. Nothing on this Earth could make me like her.

So here that left me, tied to a bed in the middle of god-knows-where surrounded by god-knows-who, thinking about a boy who most definitely did not love me back.

Still… there was a part of me that had never given up on Artemis, not even once. It repeated his seemingly heart-felt promise to my subconscious like a Buddhist mantra, never letting me forget that he _might_ actually care. That once, just once, he had let his guard down just enough…

'_I will do __**anything in my power **__to keep you safe._'

Then he had called. His voice, even if it had felt and sounded like ice, ripping out every suture of my heart until it collapsed, had floated through the room. I could even picture what his face must've looked like. Judging from his voice, he had been composed. Composed but at the same time, incredibly annoyed. I bet that little furrow between his eyebrows had been visible, just like it always was when Jake was date-stalking us, or when Raleigh was being just angsty enough to make things awkward. His eyes, those chilling blue eyes that haunted me even now, oh they must have been colder than the Arctic snow.

'_You've taken something that belongs to me. I intend to get it back._' That's what he had told her, told my captor, right before she had broken my arm.

'_I intend to get it back._'

Sure, he had referred to me as some sort of object that seemed to be in perpetually in need of being saved, like some sort of damsel in distress. And sure, he had never once mentioned my name, but that was forgivable. It had hurt like hell, yes, and the self-righteous fury had growled with anger, but it was forgivable. I could forgive him. Or at least, I could try. As long as he got me out of this desperate hellhole.

But Artemis wasn't the only thing I thought about.

I thought about my family, too. For the first time in the two months I'd lived in Ireland, I began thinking about my family.

They had been so happy to see me when I'd come home. So damn happy, you'd think the Red Sox had won the World Series or something. Hope had run half way across the baggage claim to greet me and hadn't let me put her down until we got home. Noah had gurgled happily, clapping his hands and calling my name from my mother's arms. 'Kiss! Kiss!' He never had gotten his 'r's down correctly. I'd only been gone two months, but the way Hope and Noah had acted; it might as well have been two years. My parents had practically hugged the life out of me, right there in the middle of SeaTac. I had never seen Daddy so happy to have me home again, not even after my first Winter Formal. Mom had burst into tears and insisted I tell her everything that had happened.

No one mentioned that St. Bartleby's was an all-boys school. No one mentioned boys at all, actually. But I could forgive them for that, because it was Thanksgiving, after all. And sometimes being a family was more important than a grudge. What would they think now, my parents, if they knew where I was? Would they freak out, would they send search parties all over the Irish countryside to look for their baby girl?

Then there was Raleigh. It made me feel guilty how much I hadn't been thinking about Raleigh. Sure, we'd had our many rough patches. Sure, I still hadn't gotten all the white out of my hair yet. He hadn't gotten 'Property of the Jeans of Justice' completely off his forehead yet, either. I'd still been furious with him when I left, I'd barely said goodbye. He deserved someone so much better than me for a friend. All I'd done for him was mess things up. I come around, and suddenly he has to deal with estrogen everyday, his best friend would drop him for me a heartbeat, and I had dragged his least favorite person forcibly into his life. On top of all that, as if I hadn't been horrible enough for him already, he was at odds with his girlfriend now too. Something that, I was 100% certain, was entirely my fault.

Guilt raged through my shrunken stomach, tearing at it like a hungry wolf.

I couldn't take it anymore. The guilt in my gut mixed with the scars of rejection etched in my heart, and I couldn't take it anymore. My broken arm seared. God, this was just too freaking much. All this pain was too freaking much. I was going to whack Artemis over the head when I saw him next for putting me through this. Preferably with a dictionary. With that happy thought still ringing through my exhausted mind, I blacked out.

**.::.::.::.::. Flashback .::.::.::.::.**

"Oy, Kris!" Jake called my name from down the hallway. "The field's _this_ way, eejit!" Behind him, Raleigh was chuckling and Finn had a gentle smile across his lips.

They had kidnapped me earlier that morning, claiming I was going to play association with them that afternoon whether I liked it or not. I had stared at them, confused as all get out, for at least a minute until Jake had brought out a well-loved soccer ball. Ah _soccer._ Now they were speaking my language.

"Hold on," I called back, turning my head in their direction for a moment. "I want to see if Artemis wants to play, too."

Jake and Raleigh groaned in unison. Jake muttered something to Raleigh that sounded an awful lot like, "Artemis can barely run a straight mile. Like he could kick a ball." As Raleigh nodded his head in agreement, I pretended I hadn't heard them. A frowning Finn tweaked both of their ears and called after me as I turned to go.

"We'll meet you on the field, then!"

I nodded my agreement and tupped over to Artemis's room. He'd soundproofed his room, being the little paranoid genius child he was, but there wasn't much one could do about stopping sound coming through a wooden door. I paused at his doorway, just to make sure he wasn't asleep or something, and heard voices coming from inside the room.

Pausing, I cocked my head and moved in closer. Who was Artemis talking to? It's not like he had many, scratch that _any_ friends in this school besides me. And the other voice was definitely feminine. Curiosity was killing me. I'd leave in a few moments, I promised myself. First, I just wanted to know what Artemis was doing with another girl. And maybe where he met the other girl. I mean, seriously.

"You haven't found them yet?" The girl sounded annoyed.

Who was Artemis supposed to be finding?

"They're a group of highly trained criminals, Holly." Artemis was saying his voice slightly annoyed. So, the girl's name was Holly. Pretty name. "It's not like they're going to go parading around, handing out wanted posters with my face plastered across them."

Artemis was wanted by a group of highly trained criminals? It was sad how not surprised I was.

"They aren't just criminals, Artemis. The LEP can not afford all our years of secrecy broken for some twisted pixie's little vendetta against you." Holly sounded almost as annoyed as Artemis. Wow, they sure got along well…

My curiosity was actually killing me, here. Pixies? Was Artemis on _crack_? Pixies weren't real.

"She has a centaur and a dwarf with her, for Frond's sake, Artemis. It's not like they won't stand out." Holly must be irritated. I'd never heard anyone talk to Artemis like that before.

But centaurs and dwarves sure as hell weren't real either. And I'd never heard of anyone named Frond before.

Then Artemis was talking again. "Listen, as long as we stick my plan, everything will go fine." He was reassuring Holly, speaking to her like she was five. "They'll take the bait, trust me. Aster wouldn't be able to resist it, not a pixie like her. The cat takes the mouse and the dog takes the cat." He chuckled coldly.

I turned away, having heard enough. Pushing the conversation I had just to the back of my mind, I crept away from Artemis's door. I did not have time to deal with Artemis's obvious crack addiction and hallucinations right now. There was soccer to be played.

**.::.::.::.::. End Flashback .::.::.::.::.**

"She's up again, Miss Aster." Turnroot's deep gravelly voice filtered through my brain, waking me up.

"Oh good. She's been awfully quiet, hasn't she?" My captor's voice was soft and lilting. It was hard to imagine how anyone with a voice that sweet could cause so much pain. There was the whisper-soft displacement of air that I had come to associate with her movement, and then she was right next to me.

As she stared down at me, my lulling memory kicked in to hyper-drive and suddenly something clicked into place in the back of my mind.

_Aster. _

"_Aster wouldn't be able to resist it."_ That's what Artemis had said, what he had told some girl named Holly. Good god, what had he done? He had…_planned_ this? He had planned his own girlfriend's kidnapping, my own kidnapping? X what I had said earlier about whacking him in the head. I was going to kick him in the freaking balls for this. Twice. I was going to kick him twice. It didn't matter how much I loved him, that arrogant, attractive, damnable, well-spoken little toe rag!

Then the rest of the memory, and the rest of his sentence, caught up with me. _"Not a pixie like her."_ He had said.

"_Not a pixie like her."_

My mind was spinning, trying desperately to deny what I now knew to be true. Aster couldn't be a pixie, pixies were not real. Aster was definitely not human. But pixies were not real. What kind of human staid the size of a four-year-old for their entire life, but had the proportions of an adult? No, no, pixies weren't real. I'd misheard, I must have misheard. Aster didn't even move like a human. No one could move like she did, without making any sound but a whisper. Pixies. Weren't. Real. But Aster was, Aster was staring down at me through those malicious eyes, pointed ears peeking out through her volumes of hair.

It was the pointed ears that did it. Just like that, one casual look and a misplaced memory, and my entire world came crashing down about my ears, working to restructure itself. Fairies were real. I was being held hostage by a pixie. A pixie, and a centaur and a dwarf were holding me against my will. Artemis knew, Artemis had planned it all. So he must've known about the whole: fairies are real fiasco as well. Was that it? Was that what he had always held back from me?

Well, it looks like Artemis wasn't having crack hallucinations after all.

When I finally managed to meet Aster's poisonous gaze again, my own eyes were terrified.

"P-p-pixie!" I gasped, my voice cracking with misuse and terror. If I could scoot myself away from her, I would.

Aster's face was more surprised than I had ever seen it. She had obviously not seen this coming. "What did you call me, Mud Girl?" She hissed, leaning in closer.

There was about a two-inch gap between our faces now. I managed to stutter out the cursed word again, my mind reeling.

Silence covered the room like a thick blanket, stifling and overbearing. Then, Aster did the last thing I had imagined.

She laughed. The pixie threw back her glorious head and laughed, long and hard.

"So, you know the dirty little secret now, hmmm Mud Girl?" She purred, tracing over my old scars and making them fresh again. "God this is good. This is even better than I imagined."

I trembled beneath her, my mind still whirring, my world still trying to working its way back to any sense of normalcy.

"Do you know what this means, little Krissy?" She didn't bother to stop for my answer. Her face was a vicious mask of victory. Somehow the fact that I knew what she was didn't bother her at all. In fact, she seemed to enjoy it. Her face was glowing with triumph. "This means they're going to wipe you. The LEP will never let you remember this. You're going to forget him. You're going to forget all about him. How amazingly _precious._" She purred. "Better than I had ever dreamed of planning. Just _precious._"

From behind her, her goons were laughing.

The LEP. Holly had mentioned them too. And those words, _"they'll never let you remember this. You're going to forget him."_ They brought an unhealthy sense of dread into my stomach. It was flourishing and contracting, driving out the guilt and replacing it with pure fear.

**Artemis.**

"That's right little girlie," Aster purred in my ear.

Had I said that out loud? Apparently.

"You're going to forget about all about him."

My mind continued to reel uncontrollably, and I was out once more.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

And the shit has hit the fan. Let me tell you, my friends, things can only get more intense from here. So drop the Rapid Review Rabbit a line, and let me now what you thought.


	21. Playing Satan

**Memo:** See, I didn't die! This chapter took awhile to write, there was so much to get to. Then I struggled over whether or not to make it two chapters. Sorry, you're probably tired of hearing excuses. I'm sorry, honest. However, you're probably going to have to again before my next update. D: It's college application time, so that's going to a large chunk of my life for about a month or so. After that, I'll have more time on my hands, and good reason to distract myself. I hope you enjoy this. If there any questions at all, feel free to pose them. I tried to explain things as best as I could without weighing the chapter down too much. I love every single of you, and solidly believe I have the kindest, funniest, smartest, most patient fan-base in the entire universe. This is for you.

**Chapter Twenty**

"_Goodness knows I saw it coming_

_Or at least I'll claim I did"_

This is the problem with playing God; you always ended up with more problems than it was worth. And the problems in this plan were already beginning to add up. The girlfriend I had just recently realized I cared for was being held captive by a psychotic pixie in the middle of the Irish wilderness, all attempts at actual schooling had gone completely down the drain, the press was still swarming outside the school gates like a flock of hungry vultures, and there was currently an angry presence sulking in the corner of my dorm room muttering death threats in my direction.

Sighing, I threw Raleigh O'Connor an irritated glance, which he happily returned ten-fold.

Well I'm glad to know that that relationship, at least, was never going to change. How utterly comforting.

Butler was standing beside my shoulder as usual, disapproval emanating from every part of his massive body. He had tried to forcibly remove Raleigh from the room at least twenty times in the past two days he'd been sulking around. No matter what my bodyguard seemed to do, Raleigh always managed to find his way back in. The boy had even resorted to climbing through my third story window, although I can't even begin to fathom how he'd gotten up there to begin with. Not even Butler's intimidation seemed to faze him. The gaze that had made grown men quiver in fear had no effect on him whatsoever. All he had done was return the look with a little interest before stating, very calmly, "I grew up with three sisters. You can't scare me." So now here he was, sitting in the corner of my room, glowering.

Needless to say, this was not exactly the most helpful thing the nitwit could've done. Exactly how did he want me to rescue Kris with him sulking in a corner all day, making it completely impossible to contact the LEP and continue into the more vital stages of my plan?

Since Butler could not seem to have any success keeping the nitwit out of my room, and he himself showed no signs whatsoever of leaving willingly, things had lurched to an awkward impasse. I couldn't progress with my plan until O'Connor was gone, and O'Connor wouldn't leave until I had.

"Don't you have anything you should be doing right about now?" Raleigh snarled violently from his corner. "Like, oh, let me think about it for a second, saving your fecking girlfriend?"

A muscle twitched behind my eye. This boy was grating on my nerves. Did he seriously believe I wanted to sit around like a lame duck? Surely he had to know it was his presence that was the only thing slowing me down. But no, he'd showed up in my dorm the moment his father had told him I was going to find Kris, and demanded to know why I'd lied to him and his little posse. Since I couldn't tell him the truth, I had resigned myself to ignoring him until he simply gave up and went away. It wasn't working very well so far, truth be told.

Blatantly ignoring him had worked so far, so I decided to keep it up a little while longer. "Butler," I said, rising from the bed I'd been sulking on. "Kindly boot up the computers and get the connections started."

Raleigh actually growled. "I don't know what the feck you're doing, Fowl," he began dangerously. "But I really don't appreciate being left out of your little loop. You're a daft bastard if you think you're the only one around who cares for Kris, and if you'd just get off your high horse maybe we could actually help you."

I threw my classmate a withering look. "I've changed my mind, Butler." My patience was wearing dangerously thin. "Why doesn't our…guest, take a little nap first?"

Butler understood his orders, just as I knew he would, and Raleigh was out cold before the look of confusion had time to take over his face. As I watched his body sink to the ground his words rang through my chaos filled mind. '_Maybe we could actually help you_', the boy had said. Neurons ignited in my brain, and suddenly my well-thought out plan was mutating before my eyes, morphing its way from thought out to pure genius. Yes… Maybe Raleigh could help me.

Behind me, the computers were whirring to life. The electric buzz of excitement a new adventure brings was sizzling its way across my skin. I brought up Foaly's connection the second it was ready and waited as the screen crackled on.

"Foaly, tell Holly there's been a change in plans…"

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

Two days later and my dorm room was practically a war zone. There were bottles of hair dye strewn around my sink, Kris's make up kit now occupied my kitchen, and at least ten new Armani suits lay crumbled up in piles on the floor. Butler's hands were black with ink, and I had the start of a black eye to match my broken nose. Yet, the mess was almost immaterial. All the pieces were finally in place. Aster had shown all of her cards, put down her kings and aces. It was time to show her mine.

"Are you ready, Artemis?" There was a subtle dose of dissent layered in Butler's voice, he didn't approve of the changes to the plan.

"Almost." My reply was terse, nothing could wrong from here on out. "Everything is in place?" Knowing Butler, everything had been in place ten minutes ago, but you could never be too sure.

"The Bentley's outside." Butler paused. "Are you sure about all this, Artemis? The O'Connor boy…"

Suddenly impatient to get out of the room, I waved away my bodyguard's worry. "Raleigh is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. If there's anyone we should be worried for, it's Kristina. Shall we remedy that, my friend?"

A silent nod was my only answer, and the games began.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

The LEP met us a short way outside the 5 mile radius that surrounded Aster's lair. By now, it was getting close to midnight. The air around our small group was thick and still as the Bentley pulled off the road into the thick Irish wilderness. Holly was the first to appear, followed by a group of black-suited pixies. I exited the car, adjusting my tie.

"Took you long enough to get here." Holly grumbled, giving my Armani suit a critical one over. "You know that's not going to last ten minutes out here."

"I take it Foaly came with you." I stated, completely ignoring Holly's jab. I had figured that this was the best was to deal with annoying side comments.

The elf hovered down to my level and removed her helmet. "Yes, he's here."

She tried to keep her voice neutral, but the curiosity leaked through. No one had told her why Foaly was so important that I required him topside. No one was supposed to, because I had a gut feeling Holly wouldn't exactly approve of my actions.

Before I could open my mouth for a smug retort, Foaly came clip clopping in to my view, tin foil cap securely in place between his horns and tail swishing from side to side.

"Ah, Artemis!" He brayed, clutching a small box under one arm. "There you are. You're late."

"There was traffic."

Both Holly and Foaly snorted in unison.

"I bet," the centaur snickered as he beckoned me towards him. "Anyway, I managed to throw together the items you requested. "

A shiver of anticipation ran down my spine. He had done it. "Excellent." I breathed before glancing up at the waning moon. "We might want to skip the explanations tonight, Foaly. Time is of the essence."

Looking slightly disappointed, Foaly opened the box and pulled out a pair of brilliant blue contacts. "Put these in your eyes." He handed them over and I obliged, trying not to blink. "Now these babies, they're genius. You'll be able to see everything, and I mean everything, you need. There's a remote, too, that I'll give you before you head out. The others you requested are here too."

Satisfied, I nodded. "Thank you Foaly. Give the spares to Butler, he'll know what to do."

Before he left, Foaly gave me one more piece of advice. "Just remember Artemis, these are just prototypes. They don't hold up well to abuse so don't let yourself be manhandled otherwise they'll fall right out."

"That much I can promise." If things went according to plan _I _wouldn't be manhandled.

Foaly clopped off, and Holly stared at me suspiciously.

"What's going on here Artemis? The plan's changed, hasn't it? _You've_ changed."

I couldn't answer her. I had changed, she was right. And for once, I was certain it was for the better. Once Kris was back where she belonged, once she was back with me, things were going to be different. I'd make things right with her. I had to. If I didn't, part of me might as well die. For once in my life, I was completely terrified. Terrified that things wouldn't end well between us, and I would lose something I had just barely begun to know.

"Get yourself ready Holly. It's going to be a long night for you."

There was a sense of finality in my voice and Holly let the subject drop.

"I just hope you know what you're doing, Artemis. For all our sakes."

Then Butler arrived with the supplies and there was no more need for conversation. It was finally time.

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

Aster's hideout was a good fifteen or twenty minutes away by car. My suit was immaculate, but I doubt the family Bentley would ever be the same. As instructed, Butler drove up from behind, parking close enough to make it an easy walk, but not close enough to be clearly visible. I grabbed a few sheets of borrowed cham-foil from the seat next to me and slid out of the vehicle. My bodyguard followed suit and headed our separate ways. Butler went towards the front where Aster's goons were waiting, and I headed off towards the back with the… supplies.

The abandoned fairy fort Aster was using as a hideout loomed before us as I turned on Foaly's latest invention and waited a moment before entering.

"Well if isn't the magnificent Artemis Fowl." Aster purred as she caught sight of 'me'. Her angelic face twisted into a positively malicious expression and she maneuvered her hover chair up a couple of feet to look me in the eyes, making a whisper soft noise as she did so.

"Well if it isn't the kidnapping convict," Came the smooth reply. 'My' voice was dry, cold, and deeper than usual. "Introductions are over. Shall we get to work?"

"You're coming here changes nothing, Fowl. The girl is still in my possession. As far as I can tell, unless you're hiding AK-47's in that pristine Armani suit, you are completely unarmed. You trooped half way across the Irish countryside, and nothing has changed. I still have the upper hand."

"Do you really?" The reply was utterly disinterested. "I'm not sure you have all your facts straight, fairy."

Aster actually hissed. Behind her, Kris stirred feebly. "I am going to enjoy killing you boy." Her lithe little body was rising out of the hover chair, and I could see her fingers twitching, aching to wrap themselves around my neck.

"No need to get your knickers in a twist," The response was followed by a short snicker, and I could see the blood rising to Aster's face. "Besides, you'd be out cold before you could even touch my tie, let alone kill me."

"You speak tough for a boy whose girlfriend is currently curled up in pain."

This threw 'me' off, and for a moment I thought everything was about to go wrong. My fears were in vain, the stinging comeback needed to move things forward came faster than expected.

"You speak rather tough yourself, for a fairy who is about to be without hired help."

Thrown for a loop, Aster swiveled towards the entrance. "Without hired help? What in Fronds name-?"

A terrified scream wrenched through the night air, and it wasn't even coming from the still form on the bed.

I pressed a button on Foaly's remote and suddenly had a picture-perfect view of what was happening outside.

Butler was standing near the doorway, his impressive bulk casting a shadow on the ground. Before him were a centaur and dwarf. Obviously, their boss had said nothing about Butler. The centaur looked absolutely terrified, it must've been him who had screamed. From the expression on his partner's face, I guessed the dwarf was wishing he had gas.

"Y-you're a mountain!" The dwarf said in a gravelly voice.

His partner seemed to have recovered before him. "Stay back human, we've got enough magic between us to fry you to your bones."

Butler raised his gun, loading in two specialized tranquilizer darts. "Oh I highly doubt that."

They were out cold before the dwarf even had time to unbutton the flap on his pants.

A press of a button, and I was back inside, staring at Aster's horrified face.

"Malcuem!" She shrieked. "Turnroot! Get in here!"

"Oh I doubt they can hear you, I really wouldn't bother trying." I had a sudden view of a pair of un-manicured nails.

"_You._" Never before had I seen any fairy so angry. Her plan was falling apart at the hinges, and she knew it. "You did this to me! All of this!" In her rage, she looked positively reptilian. It made me wonder how much she had in common with the goblins her cousin hated so much.

I tutted gently. "Come now Aster, that's hardly therapeutic. Try taking some of the blame for once."

Automatically Aster's head whipped around, her eyes were wild and searching as they probed the room. "Who's there? Who said that?"

"Who said what?" Came 'my' innocent reply.

"Someone just said-I could've sworn I heard- quit messing with my head! There's someone here, Fowl!"

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about, fairy. We're quite alone in here. Unless you count Kris, of course."

Wow, he was better at this than I had expected. Perhaps I should hire out more often…

Aster's face was transfixed with pure unadulterated rage. "I'm going to kill you, boy. I'm going to break every bone in your body, and rip out your heart."

While she was distracted, I made my move. Making sure not disrupt anything, I snuck over the bed where Kris lay sleeping. Quickly, I threw the last piece of cham-foil over her decrepit body and scooped her up into my arms, holding her close.

"And after I've done all of that, I'm going to kill your stupid little girlfriend." Aster ranted. "No, no… I'm going to kill your girlfriend first, and make you watch. Yes, yes, that's what I'll do! Where is that plain little brat?"

She turned towards the empty bed and froze. "Where is she? She was right there. RIGHT THERE!" There was a short pause as she tried to process what was going on. Then, without warning, she turned the hover chair around and flew directly at 'me'. Grabbing 'my' Armani suit by its labels, she shook 'me' with all the strength she had in her body.

"FOWL! I've had it with your mind games! WHERE. IS. THE. GIRL?!" Her livid face was level with 'my' own, and the last thing I saw was her blotchy face before a brilliant blue contact worked its way out of 'my' eye, tumbling to the ground and shattering.

"Y-your eyes…" Aster was speechless, thrown for a loop. "One of your eyes is hazel!" Confused and enraged, she gave 'my' body one last hard shake. I could hear the sound of his head hitting the wall, and Raleigh O'Connor crumpled to the ground unconscious.

Poor boy, he seems to be getting knocked out a lot lately. Maybe someday I'll make it up to him. Then again, maybe I wouldn't.

While I was thinking, Aster lost it. With an enraged howl, she began to pull at her own hair, her lunatic eyes searching the room continuously, looking for a culprit she couldn't find.

There was something oddly satisfying about watching your enemies come apart at their seams. I had noticed it once before with Jon Spiro, but this time the feeling seemed even more powerful. After all she had done to me, to Kris, all of Aster's carefully plotted schemes were coming undone. All she had threatened to do to me was happening to her instead.

"You messed with the wrong human, Koboi." I said coldly, getting a vicious satisfaction out of the way she flinched at my voice.

"Greenleaf!" The automatic response seemed feeble now. "Where are you Fowl? Where are you?"

Adjusting Kris so she was resting on my chest in a way that didn't require me holding her; I pulled off the sheet of cham-foil that had been carefully wrapped around my body until now. I was careful to leave the girl covered; Aster didn't need to know where she was.

"You rang?" I asked sardonically, treating her to my coldest, most deadly glare.

For a moment, Aster was silent, her head whipping back forth between Raleigh and I so fast I'm surprised nothing broke. Then, with the air of someone forcing the words out of their mouth she simply asked, "How?"

Quirking an eyebrow, I gave the response she was looking for. "How did I get him to agree to this? Simple I didn't. The mesmer is a powerful thing," To myself I added, 'And other fairies more willing than Holly to do it'. I couldn't resist another jab at Aster's rabidly deflating sanity. "You should ask your cousin about it. It was the mesmer that got her even deeper to that Zito probe disaster, wasn't it?"

"You seem to have forgotten who you're dealing with, Fowl! I can tear you limp from limp with the twitch of my eyebrow." Aster snarled; turning from the venomous cobra she used to be to a pathetically injured bravado-flashing wolf in seconds.

Heaving a theatric sigh, I rubbed my temples in impatience. "You know Aster, just because didn't say, doesn't mean it wasn't turn. You'd be out cold before you could touch my tie."

A muscle in her eye twitched dangerously, and she aimed the hover chair in the direction of my head. Before she had time to press the throttle, Butler emerged from the shadows, tooting his tranquilizer gun and the look that often occupied his face before he pulverized whatever or whoever happened to be threatening me at the moment.

"I wouldn't count on it." His thumb squeezed the trigger, and Aster slid out of her chair to the cold floor. "Night-y night, crazy fairy."

**.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.**

We were almost back to the LEP stronghold by the time Kris regained consciousness. I hadn't let go of her once since rescuing her; it was as if my fingers simply refused to open. She stirred, eyelids fluttering reluctantly like they were afraid of what would greet them. When they finally did open, I could see my brilliant blue eyes reflected in my own.

"Ar-Artemis?" Kris's voice was scared and unsure as she reached one hand up to touch my face, making sure I was real.

"Yes?" I asked carefully, not relinquishing my grip on her frighteningly skinny waist.

With a stifled sob, she threw her good arm around my neck, brought my face down to hers until our noses were practically touching, and kissed me full of the lips.

There is no way to properly describe kissing Kris. Her lips were rough and chapped, but somehow soft and smooth. They were moving against mine in ways I couldn't figure out, couldn't even begin to decipher. Chills were running up and down my spine like electricity through a wire. Following instincts I barely knew I had, my hands moved to her hair and my head found itself tilting to comply with hers. For thirty more glorious seconds it continued like this, my lips on hers, hers on mine, before she pulled away with tears in her eyes.

"Kristina-" I began, concerned.

_SMACK!_

My head jerked back, surprised, and the force of her slap left my head reeling.

"You self-centered little _bastard_, Artemis Fowl!" Kris cried, whipping the tears from her eyes with an angry sweep. "What the fecking hell do you think you were on about? You used me as _bait_!"

I opened my mouth to explain, to remedy the situation in the only way I knew how, but she wasn't having it. Oh no, she wasn't having of it.

"Never mind, I don't want to hear it. Raleigh was right. You never care about me, did you? I told them you were different, I told them you could change. Somehow, I convince myself that if I just tried hard enough I could make you care for me." Her eyes were full of hurt and self-righteous fury. Something told me that she was just getting started. "But no, what do you? Drop me in a hellhole full of…whatever the hell those demons were! Fairies, pixies, hellhounds, it doesn't matter! You left me! After you promised, you giant jack-ass!

"Well you know what Artemis Fowl? You can get over yourself. Build yourself a steam-liner, cry me a fecking _ocean_ and **get over yourself.**

"Because I can't handle this anymore." She struggled out of my arms and scooted as far away from me as the Bentley's seats would allow. "Why can't I care someone who doesn't turn out to be a royal backstabbing, life-ruining, heart-mangling little prick on a stick? I can't handle this. I don't want to see you anymore, Artemis. In fact, I think it would be better if you kept as far away from me as physically possible. Don't look at me, don't talk to me, don't even breathe on me. I have had enough." She turned her head away from me, staring out the window in frosty silence.

The Bentley had rolled to a stop, but I didn't even notice. There was a ringing in my ears that wouldn't go away, and all I could do was stare at Kris's back in shock. She wanted nothing to do with me, nothing at all. Something in my chest was throbbing uncomfortably. I felt as if I had just been socked in the stomach by a sumo wrestler. All my fears were coming true. I couldn't fix this; I couldn't fix this. All my brains, all my dizzying intellect, and I had finally met a challenge I couldn't face. It was sitting opposite me in the car, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge my existence.

Holly opened Kris's door, ready to play the role of field medic. She took one glance at the pair of us, shot me a sympathetic look and reached for Kris's good hand.

"Come here, Kristina. I'll fix you up. Don't worry about a thing, girl. It can only get better."

Kristina took her hand and shakily got out of the car. Without looking at me, she addressed Holly. "I want to forget him." She said.

My heart wrenched, twisting into a jumbled mess.

"Everything's been arranged." Holly replied quietly, not looking at either of us.

They left, and my heart shattered.

Screw God, I must've been playing Satan.

It was over. It was over.

.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::..::.::.::.::.::.::.::.::.

The Rapid Review Rabbit loves you, and has missed you ever so much!


	22. Something's Off

**Memo:** The next chapter is up! I hope you guys enjoy it. I was looking through the story the other day, and realized how crazy my formatting has been. It seems to change every other chapter! I'll be working on that. After the story is over, I think I might take it down and tweak it up, making it look more professional and adding chapter titles and whatnot. Would you guys like that?

aye right=I don't really believe you

melter= a pain in the ass

shiner=black eye

**Disclaimer: Oh boy do I wish I was Eoin Colfer, imagine how cool that would be! Unforunately, I am not. How sad for me.**

_There are only three kinds of Irish men who can't understand women-_

_Young men, old men, and men of middle age._

~Irish saying

Someone was singing. It was too early to be alive, I was still half asleep, and someone was singing in my dorm room. Or, at least, someone was _trying_ to sing. What the hell were Finn and Jake on? They knew better than to attempt communication this early in the morning. No, it couldn't be them, that voice was distinctly feminine. Had Deidre decided to take me back? That was doubtful, if the way she'd swore at me before hanging up the phone was any indication. It couldn't be Ciara or Gemma; my sisters were both off at university. Kris was…_Kris._

My eyes flew open and for the first time in a very long time, I was completely awake before 9 in the morning.

There she was dancing around our room as if she had never been gone, as if nothing had ever changed.

"Kris." I said my voice still thick with sleep.

She turned, dark hair still wet from her shower, and my heart nearly burst. She was okay, she was alive, she was here. Kris smiled at me, taking the headphones out of her ears and all I had been through for the last week seemed to melt away. She was safe.

"Hell—o Raleigh," Kris said, surprised as I crossed the room swiftly and wrapped her up in my arms. "I've missed you too?"

"Jaysus, Kris." I breathed, closing my eyes and burying my face in her hair. She smelled good, almost…tropical. "Don't ya ever do that to me again, ya hear?"

I could almost imagine her rolling her eyes at me. "Sure thing Raleigh," sarcasm was heavy in her voice. "Next time, I'll try not to get myself kidnapped. Let me add that to my mental list, shall I? 'Stop looking like a potential victim'. Happy now?"

"No," I muttered into her hair. "But I'm glad yer back."

"Great," my roommate replied, wiggling her way out of my arms. "Now go put a shirt on, for the love of God. Some of us value the innocence of our eyes."

Leave it to Kris to ruin the moment. Stretching I purposely moved away from my dresser, wanting to get a better look at her and assess the damage. It hadn't felt like anything had been broken when I'd held her, it had just felt…right. My eyes flew over her body critically. There should be something wrong with her, shouldn't there? After all, Kris had just been kidnapped. Surely, that would leave scars _somewhere._

"Hey, pervert! Stop undressing me with your dirty little eyes!" Kris squirmed uncomfortably under my gaze. "What are you looking for anyway?"

Ignoring the pervert jibe completely, I continued to eye her critically. "Kris, you've just spent 11 days in captivity, surely you've got to have scars somewhere." My eyes creased in concern. "Where were you, Kristina?" I asked softly, stepping back into her comfort zone. "Who had you?"

A brief look of confusion flickered across my roommate's face; it couldn't have lasted longer than a heartbeat. "Fairies." Kris said simply, answering my second question and ignoring the first. There was an introspective look on her face as she tilted her head up to see me with an unfocused gaze. "They were…fairies."

My own heart lurched. Automatically, I grabbed her elbow to lead her as if to a chair but never moved. Fairies… had she gone daft? Someone had messed with her head, they must've. Kris was talking crazy, and it was leaving me flummoxed. Surely, this was just a cruel sort of joke.

"Aye right," I began cautiously. "_Fairies_, Kris?"

The silence that followed was long enough to drive a truck through. Kris was staring at me intently, as if she was debating whether or not to tell me something more important than national security. Then, just as I was getting edgy, she smiled and shoved me gently.

"Don't be such a worrywart Fine Young Gentleman," Tease. "They were smart enough not hurt me anywhere that shows." Tapping her head gently, she swung around and resumed the long, laborious process she went through to get ready for school.

But before she got too far, Kris paused with her back to me. "Raleigh," she asked quietly.

"Wha?" I droned, the zombie-like post-wake up state setting back in now that things had settled down.

There was a pause before, "Do you think I'm…plain?"

Her words threw me for a loop. "Think yer…what?"

Kris's voice seemed to get quieter as this conversation went on. Somehow, I figured there was something I wasn't quite getting about why she was asking me this, why it even mattered at all. "Do you think I'm plain, ordinary, …insufficient?"

Now I _knew_ she'd gone bonkers. How could she look in the mirror and think that? How could she not notice the way she had everyone at this school dangling along on a string?

Girls, they'd never make any sense. Kris was the perfect example.

"Of course not, Kris." My response was rough with emotion. "Don't be daft! Kris, you're perfect." The words were out of my mouth before I could even think about it, and immediately I wanted to take them back.

'Kris, you're perfect'? That was not the way a boy who'd just had his heart ripped out and trampled all over should act. What in the name of God was I trying to convey here? Jaysus, I was an idiot. Somehow, I resisted the urge to hit my head repeatedly against my dresser. _Kris you're perfect… _Just listening to it in my head made me want to cringe.

Luckily, she hadn't noticed my apparent slip-up, or just didn't care.

"Thanks, Raleigh." Her voice was sincere. "Just… forget I even mentioned it, okay?"

Huh, that was easier said than done.

She was the only thing swirling through my head as I got ready, pointedly delaying putting on a shirt until it was completely necessary. What was it about this girl that made it impossible to keep her out of my thoughts? She wasn't any different from the girls I'd met before, really. Perhaps a little…wilder than the other girls but nothing too different and here I was, calling her perfect! After all, she was just as obsessive as Gemma, and she talked nearly as much as Ciara. Perfect… right. Kris and Deidre had the exact same opinion on the condition of my hair --much too messy, could use a good comb-- and they even had the same disapproving glare. It wasn't as if she stood out physically, _perfect_, there were a lot of girls of medium height with brown hair. So why on Earth was she so special to me?

And was she ever special! I couldn't figure out exactly what I wanted from her. Part of me wanted to snog the daylights out of her, and another part of me was repulsed for even thinking about it. I wanted to protect her; I wanted to keep her safe. But at the same time, I wanted her to go away and leave me alone. In some ways, she was no different from any of my sisters and in others; she was more like what Deidre had been to me. Kris was a bundle of contradictions, and it certainly wasn't fair what she was doing to my heart. Either way I looked at it, there was no way to win in this situation. She had a boyfriend, regardless of the fact that her boyfriend was a melter.

Kris was worrying me. I didn't want to think of what had happened to her in the eleven days she'd been missing. Fairies? She thought fairies had kidnapped her? Surely she was just gone in the head. Maybe it was just Posttraumatic Stress Syndrome or something. Fairies…

"Wotcher, Raleigh!" Jake pulled me into a chair. I must've walked all the way to mess hall without even realizing it. "Where've you been lately, anyway? This is the first time I've seen you at a meal in 3 days."

I blinked. For a moment, my brain processed the words. Where had I been? Oh yes. "With my Da," came the easy reply as I cracked my neck. "I figured he was the best bet for getting Kris back."

Finn's soft voice joined the conversation from somewhere to my left. "And Fowl?" He plopped down besides me at our table, ignoring his food to stare at me.

Jake made a face at the name, reaching across the table to steal some of Finn's bacon. "He hasn't been around much, either. Little fecker."

My own face darkened. "Fowl is about as useless as tits on a bull." I concurred. Besides, I hadn't seen Kris's boyfriend since the day Finn had broken his nose. After that, I'd gone straight to my Da's office. Da was the second best option, if I couldn't get the arse's help, and obviously he'd done a better job. Kris was back, wasn't she?

Suddenly, Finn broke eye contact with me and stared at a point a little over my shoulder, relief flooding his face. I could only guess what this meant. Our very own ex-kidnappée had arrived at last. "Kris," he said, voice trembling a little. "You're safe."

Jake's head shot up faster than a bullet, mouth still full of bacon. Automatically, he rocketed out of his seat and hugged Kris full around the waist, kissing her cheeks repeatedly.

Jaysus. Good thing my friends weren't overeager or anything. People might get the wrong idea. I glowered at the back of Jake's head before rolling my eyes in defeat and focusing on Kris instead.

Judging by the look on her face, Kris wasn't exactly sure whether to be repulsed, comforted, or amused.

"Hello to you too Jake." She giggled. "Has anyone told you Irish men that you certainly know how to welcome a girl home?" There was an obviously teasing edge to her voice as she sat down besides me, reaching over and stealing what was left of poor Finn's bacon.

Finn was watching her carefully, like she was a live hand grenade. He had been the only person not to crack a smile at her joke. "Don't you usually eat breakfast with Artemis?" The question itself was innocent, but it seemed to bring something dark and foreboding down on the table.

If the question hadn't been enough to darken the mood, her answer sure was.

Kris blinked, confused. "Who's Artemis? Isn't that a girls name?"

A stunned silence fell around the table. This was a …first. Why didn't she remember her boyfriend? After all, they used to be practically conjoined at the hip. Something wasn't right here. As if the fairies blarney wasn't worrying enough…

It was Jake, surprisingly, who was the first to answer. "Err, yer boyfriend, remember? Artemis Fowl? Tall, dark haired, slimly little bastard? The one with the creepy blue eyes?" He offered helpfully, giving her the same concerned look we all were.

Once again, a bland look was all we received in return. "Honestly, I have no idea who you three are talking about. The last boyfriend I had was Brendan, and I'm pretty damn sure I dumped him months ago."

Finn broke the silence. "You really don't remember-"

Looking more than a little annoyed Kris cut him off. "No, I've never met anyone named Artemis, and I really don't think I want to." She shrugged, and the first time I noticed that her clothes didn't seem to fit as well anymore. Had she lost weight…? Luckily, living with three sisters had taught me well enough to know not to bring it up. Girls didn't like being asked about their weight.

We took the hint, and quickly dropped the subject. Jake, of course, was ecstatic and was having trouble hiding it. Now there wasn't anyone to stand in his way. Except for me, if I ever figured out exactly what I felt for this girl. She was like a younger sister, a really attractive younger sister… Disgusted with myself, I shook my head vigorously. Good thing Finn and Jake seemed to be fine with keeping the conversation flowing, because somehow I had a feeling I wasn't exactly up to it. She had never heard of Fowl…? This wasn't adding up and there was only one person I could think of who could tell me why.

* * *

"Hey, jackass, open up!" I pounded on his door a little harder than was probably necessary, but I didn't care. I needed answers and I was missing first block for this.

When no one answered, I lifted my fist to bang on the door again. Thank god everyone else was in class, this wasn't exactly a place I'd like to be caught dead visiting again. "I mean it, foul!" I growled. "I need to talk to you!"

With a lurch, the door opened and I nearly pounded the ass in the head by accident.

"Yes, I figured you'd come find me sooner than later." Fowl said, the oddest detached tone to his voice. "I suppose you ought to come in." He stood to one side and allowed me to enter, which I did, very bewildered, the anger practically drained out of me.

Fowl looked…different from when I'd last threatened him. There was a certain, flat quality to his piercing eyes that unsettled me. His nose of course was still on the mend. Not to mention what must've been one nasty black eye, and something that looked like a wicked slap mark on his cheek. It obviously hadn't been Fowl's week.

There was a silence in which the pair of us sized each other up. I needed answers, and part of me knew he had them. Yet seeing him this unhinged had thrown me off. I had come here expecting to chew him out and rough him up until I got what I wanted. Somehow, I didn't think I could do that now. Not morally, anyway. The boy looked like he was the only person to survive some horrible travesty. His suit was wrinkled; he wasn't even wearing a tie. Not to mention all the injuries to his face. Although I sure would like to thank the person who'd given him that nice shiner, I couldn't bring myself to hurt him again. Not even if it would be deeply satisfying.

As for Fowl, he was staring at me as if I could save the last male heir in his family, or something. It was unsettling and uncomfortable to have that intense, somehow dead, gaze on me. What did he want from me? I didn't like this he was making me forget all about my purpose here. I was supposed to be threatening him, not the other way around.

"Yes," he said tonelessly, breaking the long silence at last. "You'll do."

Why did I have the feeling he was treating me like a prize racehorse he was about to put up for auction?

"I'll do for what?" I snapped, antsy. Suddenly, there was nothing I wanted to do more than leave the presence of this creepishly off teenager.

"You'll have to take care of her for me." He explained, looking me dead in the eyes. "Since I can't. Since she doesn't-" He stopped abruptly and broke eye contact, a deep horrible pain entering his voice for the first time.

It was heartbreak, I could tell. Artemis Fowl was…heartbroken. And some part of me, some very small part of me that I shouldn't even be listening to, went out to him. After all, that had been not too long ago. I could empathize, I could understand perfectly.

"Since I am currently incapable of fulfilling a certain…promise." His voice was cold and halting, those chilling eyes back on mine. "I can ask that much of you, can't I? You'll take care of Kristina for me?"

Struck dumb, I could only nod. Artemis Fowl was heartbroken over _Kris!_ The girl who currently vehemently denied even having met him. And I was feeling sorry for him, had just agreed to _help_ him, the boy I hated more than anyone I had ever known in my entire life. The world certainly was a bizarre place.

"Of course, I can't answer any of your questions, which I'm sure you have." He continued as if my small world wasn't being completely uprooted. "You'd just forget the answers anyway." There was a dark tone to his voice now, and Fowl made to straighten a tie that wasn't there. "So you should probably get to class."

Still incapable of speech, I made for the door.

"O'Connor, err, Raleigh," My name was cautious on his tongue.

I turned.

"I owe you one." He said, looking just about as uncomfortable as I felt. Artemis Fowl owing me something. What a weird day this was shaping up to be.

"Just keep your promise, please. And…" he hesitated as I stepped outside. "Don't go digging too deep into this. Trust me, you're better off not knowing. Just keep her safe." With a last look of desperate, undeterred sadness, he shut the door on my face.

What on earth had I just gotten myself into?

* * *

Well, hope you all enjoyed the update! I've got a three day weekend coming up, maybe I'll have the fastest update yet! But I wouldn't jinx it. Remember, the Rapid Review Rabbit loves you!


	23. Throwing A Bit of a Wrench in Things

**Memo:** I got a wonderful Beta reader for this story _undaunted scholar_! She's been very helpful so far. There are probably about 2 or 3 chapters left in this story, just as a heads up.

**Disclaimer: Last time I checked, I wasn't a boy. Which pretty much ruins the chances that I'm Eoin Colfer now, doesn't it?**

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

Ever since I'd come back, things around St. Bartleby's had gotten a little bit weird. Raleigh kept giving me these weird looks out of the corner of his eye when he thought I wasn't looking. Finnegan kept treating me like a time bomb that was about to explode. Even Jacob, good dependable flirtatious Jacob, couldn't meet my gaze for more than a couple of seconds. Everyone seemed to be walking on eggshells around me, and it was starting to get irritating. All I wanted was things to be normal again. And this, whatever this was, definitely did not fall under the definition of normal.

Perhaps even more disturbing than the response I got from my friends was the lack of response I had gotten from my family. The moment I could I had web-cam'ed home, certain that they would all be terrified with worry. What a surprise it had been to find out they had been decorating our Christmas tree and drinking hot chocolate! No one had even realized I'd been kidnapped; no one had bothered to check the Irish news. After all, Raleigh had wasted no time telling me how the press had descended like vultures on my disappearance. But my family, who I had spent countless dark hours worrying over, they hadn't even known! Of course, Mom had displayed the proper amount of worry once she'd been informed and Dad, ever the therapist, had told me his couch was open any time I needed it; but it wasn't quite the same.

I didn't know how to react. Was it selfish to be offended they hadn't known? Was I really as self-centered and shallow as Aster had told me, to think poorly of my family for not knowing? Part of me knew that it was perfectly reasonable to feel this way; that it was natural to want your family to know about and understand what you'd been through. Another part of me whispered dark things in my ear, telling me that this was proof they didn't care, that Aster was right and I was… plain, ordinary, and unlovable.

Even now, as I lay curled up in the comfort of my well lighted and welcoming dorm room, I couldn't get Aster out of my head. Raleigh was with Finn and Jake planning their last prank before the holidays. For the first time since my rescue I was completely alone. Wrapped tightly in the large comforter I'd stolen off of Raleigh's bed, I fell asleep.

* * *

The elf named Holly walked with me across the vast Irish countryside. She had a hold of my unbroken arm, careful not to jostle anything.

"I'll be able to heal your arm once we get there," her quiet voice filled the still, empty air. What an accent! It contained the most curious combination of intonations and nuances, like a little bit of everything.

"Once we get where?" I asked irritably, trying not to impale myself on the plant life. After an unknown period of time tied to a bed, my reflexes weren't quite up to par.

It appeared that Holly didn't want to answer, or couldn't answer, for there was a silence long and awkward enough to lead an elephant through. Just when I was about to ask again, Holly responded. "To Foaly. He's the one who'll help you forget…Artemis."

Judging by the pause in her voice, Artemis wasn't all they wanted to me to forget. How unfortunate, since that was all I wanted to forget.

"And Foaly is…?" My voice trailed off, letting her fill in the blank.

Holly needed no prompting. "A centaur." She supplied willingly, finally slowing down. We must be close to whatever it was we were looking for.

Something clicked in the back of my mind. "You're only telling me this because you think I'm going to forget it all, anyway." Aster's words were haunting me. _The LEP will never let you remember this._

Not even bothering to act surprised, Holly nodded. "It's better that way."

Better? For whom? Because it certainly wasn't going to be better for me. If I forgot everything that had just happened to me, I'd forget everything I'd realized about life…about love, and maybe even happiness. Oh great, I was transforming into some sort of sappy slogan machine. Hallmark card-company would just love me.

"Better?" I asked incredulous, completely ignoring the flaring pain in my arm as I pulled away from her. "Please help me define _better,_" Some part of me cared that I was snapping at the person who had helped to save me. The larger part of me really, really couldn't care less. "Because usually I define it as something potential beneficial. Let me tell you, it's not going to be beneficial for any part of me to forget what I learned on that bed."

Like the fact that Raleigh was a far better friend than I gave him credit for. Or the way he had always seemed to be around exactly when I needed him, even if he was barely resisting the urge to slaughter me. What I wouldn't pay not to forget the way he acted around Artemis, the layers of jealousy he'd buried just beneath the surface as if waiting for me to notice them. Not to mention the fact he'd been the first actual friend I had in Ireland. Raleigh hadn't liked me hanging out with Artemis. If I had listened to him, I wondered where I might be now. My arm wouldn't be broken and my heart wouldn't be mangled, that much was sure. Raleigh was safe. Raleigh was comfortable, dependable… constant. And I'd totally overlooked him.

Sure, kissing Artemis had been one of the most exhilarating experiences I've ever had. It had felt completely and utterly right and I had enjoyed it probably as much, if not more, than he had. However… one life-shattering, heart-rending kiss didn't make up for months of subtle abuse and heartbreak. The fact that Artemis had a nice set of lips, and a nice ass for that matter, in no way, shape or form made up for everything he'd put me through.

I was tough; I was a little soldier girl. I could take Aster's abuse and come out fighting. Sure, I had come out bruised and rough around the edges, but I was still fighting. What doesn't kill you just makes you stronger, right? Girls at high school could do just as much psychological damage as Aster had. If I chose to forget all of that, should I also choose to move back home and start home school, too? Aster had underestimated me. Artemis had underestimated me. I wasn't a quitter. Sure, Aster had left me with some deep scars and a somewhat consuming self-esteem problem. My father was a therapist; I could get over that easy.

Getting over Artemis was a completely different story. There was no way I could do that on my own. I loved him but I hated him. He made me whole but he ripped me into shreds. He was everywhere I looked but he was never there. Everything about him was a bundle of contradictions. It was impossible to forget him and if I didn't move on I was certain this would kill me, drowning me in a sea of toxic emotions. By now it was very apparent to me that I couldn't move on without help and if I didn't move on then I'd never be whole again. I could survive a childish pixie's hurtful taunting. I couldn't survive what he was putting my heart through.

Taking a shaking breath, I finished my plea. "Listen Holly," Begging was not below me. "I can live through someone telling me I'm ugly and unlovable. That's called American high school, and I've weathered that storm before. What I can't survive is his contradictions." What I couldn't survive was the way I still loved him so much it hurt. "Either he wants me, or he doesn't. But he's had his chances, and he's blown them all. So please, take my word on this. Forgetting Aster isn't the problem. Forgetting Artemis is."

There was another silence, not awkward but anxious, before Holly spoke again.

"You plead your case exceedingly well, Mud Girl." Coming from her, the words that Aster made poison were merely a statement. But that wasn't what I was waiting to hear.

"Alright. You'll forget him. And only him."

I was so happy I could've hugged her. As we continued walking, she muttered something to herself, just loud enough that I could hear it.

"The Council is going to kill me."

As to what the Council was and why they were going to kill Holly, I couldn't find it in myself to be curious. I was going to forget him. Things were going to be right again.

**

* * *

**

Something was disrupting my sleep pattern. Namely, a loud annoying off-pitch ringing noise. Oh right, that would be the phone. Groaning I curled myself into a tight ball and tried to ignore it, clinging to the last fragments of a most peculiar dream. Holly had been in it. We had been talking about forgetting something… A boy, my bleary mind filled in. But that couldn't be right. Why would I want to forget a boy? The only boys I really knew here were Jacob, Finnegan and Raleigh and I was pretty sure I hadn't forgotten them. The dream had seemed so real somehow, so much like a memory… But that wasn't possible, there hadn't been any boy involved in my kidnapping. Aster had kidnapped me, bent on destroying…something, and Holly had rescued me because that was her job. Simple as that. Just your average case of fairy warfare and vengeance.

The door creaked open, Raleigh sure was back late, and the ringing stopped.

"Hello?" His voice was hoarse, as if he'd just spent too much time barely containing laughter. "Yeah, she's right here Mrs. Smith."

My mother was calling? Why?

Raleigh threw the phone at my head, and it met its target bouncing off my noggin painfully. Glaring at him through my sheets I grappled with the phone.

"Mommy?" Unlike Raleigh, my voice was thick with sleep, not misuse.

My mother's worried tones filtered through the phone. "Sweetheart, it's so nice to hear from you! I hope it's not too late."

Blearily, I checked the clock. 10:38 PM it blinked at me. Nope, not too late Mother, don't worry, I wasn't sleeping.

"Your father and I have been thinking darling," she continued as if my silence meant nothing. "About how nice it would be for all of us if you just came home now. That way you could…recover," Mom never had been good with delicate topics, but if she really wanted me home… "Hope and Noah both miss you terribly, and Daddy said he's more than willing to help you through this Krissy. It's almost Christmas, you could just come home early for the holidays…" And never come back. My resolve wavered. "Besides, all your friends have been asking for you. Why, just the other day Brandon-"

Oh that did it. As if Brandon was worried about me, he had his little platinum blonde playmate. Rule One of Motherhood: never bring up the ex-boyfriend when trying to sell a point.

"Mommy, it's late." I resisted the urge to snap at her, rubbing my eyes. "And I'm perfectly fine here in Ireland. The school has a shrink, remember?" She didn't need to know I hadn't gone to see him yet nor did I plan to. "Listen, I know you miss me. I miss you too. But that doesn't mean I'm coming home early. I've missed enough school as it is. Besides, I _like_ it here in Ireland Mommy. When break starts, I'll come home. When break ends, I'm coming back here." There was a stunned silence on the other end. Obviously this was not the way my mother had planned this conversation ending. "It's late," I repeated. "We'll take more about this later. I'm going to sleep."

As I hung up the phone, Raleigh gave a low whistle. "Well, that set her right, hmm?" He chuckled and for a moment everything seemed normal again.

"Hey Raleigh?" I asked, propping myself up on my elbows.

"Get some sleep, girly. Something tells me ya'll need it tomorrow."

And that was the only response I got. Ten minutes later, Raleigh's gentle snoring filled the room.

* * *

It didn't take me long to figure out why Raleigh had suggested I would need more sleep. In the spirit of the holidays he, Jake and Finn had put wads of mistletoe over every single door I had to walk through on a daily basis, including my dorm room. Needless to say, I was not nearly as happy about this as the rest of the school population. Currently I was planning all the ways I could kill them and make it look like an accident. This, at least to some extent, explained their weird behavior around me. They must've been planning this little escapade since I got back.

Despite the fact that Jake only had two classes with me, he seemed to be lurking in every doorway with a hopeful look on his face. And he wasn't the only one. Every single door I needed to use was suddenly crowded with immature teenage boys, snickering hilariously and pointing at the plant above their heads.

Whoever thought this was a good idea certainly had something coming to them. And that something might be a grand piano, smashing down on their heads. Or maybe castration, it always was a nice touch.

By the end of the day, I was thoroughly fed up with this 'cute' little prank of theirs. I entered the French classroom only when I was sure I would be at least fifteen minutes late and every boy would be in his seat. Mademoiselle Temes shot me a look fit to kill and I smiled sweetly, pulling at my skirt.

"_Désolée Mademoiselle_," the French slid easily off my tongue and I made a show of slipping a tampon into my blazer pocket. "Feminine issues. Surely you understand."

Several boys blanched and the entire room seemed to shift awkwardly as Mademoiselle Temes' expression softened and she allowed me to take my seat. Needless to say, there wasn't a crowd by the door at the end of class.

* * *

By the time Raleigh got back from his classes, I was sulking on my bed.

"I'm going to kill you in your sleep," I warned the moment he opened the door.

Raleigh stayed there, a bemused look upon his face. Leaning up against the doorframe, he looked me directly in the eye.

"I haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about." His voice was calm.

That little liar, I scowled. "So you have nothing to do with the mistletoe hanging every single place I might possibly enjoy going?" My voice came out in a hiss.

Even years of skilled lying couldn't keep the grin from leaking on to Raleigh's face. "Oh, that." He snickered. "Jake thought you were looking a little lonely, thought you could use some, err…holiday cheer." His shoulders shook with mirth.

It would be just like Jake to come up with something as asinine and juvenile as mistletoe.

"You didn't enjoy it?" Raleigh teased, still leaning in our doorway.

Still furious, I jumped off my bed and stalked over to the doorway intent on showing him exactly how much I had 'enjoyed it'.

The moment I was close enough, Raleigh pulled me close to him. Wrapping one hand firmly around my waist as I continued to scowl he bent down, who had given him permission to be so ungodly tall?, and firmly captured my lips with his own.

It took me about a minute to register that Jake had put mistletoe _everywhere_, my own dorm room included. It took me another minute to register that Raleigh James O'Connor was currently kissing me like I was the only thing that mattered in the world.

His lips were chapped and a little rough but they were moving against my own in a way that Brandon had certainly never mastered. Almost subconsciously, my head tilted back to comply with his and my hands flattened themselves against his chest.

This kiss, like Raleigh, seemed sweet, unhurried and honest. There was nothing but gentle, truthful care in the way his lips were moving. There was no sense of urgency, or lust like there had been with Brandon. It was as if he had been dying to try this out for a while and now that he finally had, he certainly wasn't going to waste any time making sure it lasted.

By the time we broke away, I wasn't the only one breathless.

"Sorry," Raleigh didn't sound sorry at all. "Mistletoe. 'Sides, I've sorta been dying to do that for a while now." He shrugged easily, somehow ignoring the fact that I was still practically putty against his chest.

After a moment of stretched silence Raleigh moved away from the door, making sure to pull me along with him as he kicked it shut.

"Ye gonna say anything at all?" he asked at last, shooting me a furtive glance.

My hand was still very secure in his, and I slid it out with care. That kiss had been amazing, truly amazing. So why wasn't I overwhelmingly happy? Raleigh certainly seemed to love me, maybe Aster was wrong.

"I need some time to think," I said slowly, trying to get my thoughts together, trying to figure out my feelings, all the while not looking at him.

"Alright," Raleigh's voice was equally as slow, if not a little crestfallen.

"And make Jake take down that ridiculous mistletoe." I added as an afterthought.

There was no response except for a deep sigh and the creaking of bedsprings before, "Alright Kris." Raleigh's voice was tired, and he seemed so far away. "All this to keep a promise to a git," he muttered darkly. "And I can't even get the girl."

What on Earth was he talking about? What promise, what girl? Surely this wasn't just some messed up ploy to get Deidre back. And who was a git? There were a lot of assholes at this school; he really ought to be more specific. Why did everything at this school have to be so confusing and complex?

Maybe I'd take my mom's offer and go home early after all.

* * *

That's all for now, folks! Hope you enjoyed it.


	24. Determination, Renewed

**Memo:** It's official. This a record. It's been a week. Maybe more, but not even a month! Now that I'm done basking in self-glory, enjoy the second to last chapter of There's A GIRL At St. Bartleby's! This is the last time you will see Artemis in this story.

**Disclaimer: After years of trying and searching on E-Bay, I still do not own the rights to Artemis Fowl. What a shame.**

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

_Oh love, don't let me go_

_Why don't you take me to where the streetlights glow?_

It was funny, the way time passed when you knew you were missing something. I had never really noticed it before; I had nothing to properly compare it to. After Father had disappeared, only the progression of Mother's madness and the slowing of the fruitless attempts to find him again had marked the passage of time. The days spent in the company of fairies came and went in a giant, swirling mass of multi-colored clouds and broken dreams. Time at school was marked only by monotony, the slow ticking of a partially broken and poorly wound grandfather clock. With Kristina, time had been as flighty as a songbird in winter. It came in bursts, flaring like a comet and leaving me star struck and baffled. One moment she was there, the next she was gone. One moment full of laughter, the next completely serious. Hot then cold, on then off. Pushing me up, pulling me down. Leading me on then leaving me lost. Kristina added a certain spice to every part of my life she touched.

Without Kristina, my days were a confusing jumbled of white noise and dead space, a puzzle with the outside rim missing, a dog lost in the night with no collar to help it home. She had been the one spark of color and excitement in this black and white picture-perfect world. Kris had painted my life with Technicolor, and I hadn't even realized it. Take her away, and things faded to a uniform grey.

The classes that merely bored me now felt like full-fledged torture. Everything that deserved to be slowed down sped up like a racecar, everything that I dreaded dragged on like a death sentence. Not even the American's at Gitmo could top this. If this is what it felt like to be normal and heartbroken, I couldn't say I liked it much. Finally I could empathize with my Cro-Magnon classmates. This was a bitch.

Every time I saw her I could feel my resolve crumbling. She seemed disgruntled; Raleigh obviously wasn't doing a good job of keeping his promise. But I was keeping mine. She had told me not to come near her, not to even breath in her direction. So I wasn't. My wounded heart and bruised ego protested, but I hadn't had any interaction with her since Holly had dropped her off in the dead of night. Of course, I had been there to make sure she was still all right; nothing could've kept me away. But she hadn't seen me, and so my promise still held.

Kristina was holding up far better than I was and I couldn't decide whether this news comforted me or disturbed me. Had Holly granted the girl her wish? Did she truly not remember me at all? There was one way I could find out, but that would require breaking my promise. Granted, if she didn't remember me the promise was a good as void. But if she did still remember, if by some lucky chance I was still a part of her life, all hell would certainly break loose.

It was like choosing between a slow acting poison and death by firing squad. There was no way I was going to win in this situation. I had gotten myself into this mess, and I was going to have to find a way to dig myself out. Preferably a way that ended with my life no longer in shambles.

I still remember the time when this was all I could ever ask for. Kristina wasn't a part of my life any more. There was no one hanging on by the door, or spritzing me in the face, or making up ridiculous rules for social conduct. No one was going to sit with me at breakfast, or snuggle into my side to watch a movie. There wouldn't be any more obscene American pop music blaring in my dorm room; the only sounds that could be heard now were my own breathing. Rather than comforting, as I had once imagined it would be, the lack of all these things was oddly disconcerting. It felt as if someone had taken away a dear friend or treasured pet.

One thing was certain. I couldn't live without her much longer. It was driving me insane. This promise was going to be the death of me, and I couldn't bear to break it.

* * *

Kristina still sat next to me in Physics, as we weren't allowed to change seats until the next term. Sitting next to her but not being able to say a word was an even worse form of torture than I had imagined. Wistfully I remembered the days when I couldn't bring myself to string three words together around her because I was too annoyed to take anything in. Now, now I was killing myself keeping a promise, driving myself insane to make insignificant girl happy.

It was pathetic, really. Beyond pathetic, the way I was stringing myself out over this girl. I was _Artemis Fowl_, genius extraordinaire! This was not how I worked; this was not how I behaved. On principal, girls meant nothing to me. They had their purposes, sure, but not of them involved me. After all, hormones only got in the way. And were they ever getting in the way now! How was I supposed to keep up my infamous under world reputation when every thought I had found its way back to Kristina? How was I supposed to plot my next deviously dangerous adventure when the only thing I felt like planning was a way to get her back? Already my brain whizzed and whirred itself into overdrive making frantic plots at high speed, each more pathetic than the next.

By the end of the lesson, I couldn't take it anymore. There was no way I could sit her complacently like some obedient brain-dead lap dog and watch her walk away from me again. She'd been walking away from me all day. At this rate, the only part of her I was ever going to see was the back of her head. As if I would settle for that! Screw promises, I'd broken them before hadn't I? I'd promised her plenty of things I couldn't give recently. My protection and my heart were on the top of the list. Why not throw in my word and make it a box set deal?

"Kristina," I called as the bell rang. Even saying her name hurt. All it did was add to the ache in my chest, giving fuel to the already raging flames consuming my heart.

She turned to face me, and my eyes automatically began committing it to detail. Surely I must look like a freak, standing here staring at her like a man who had just found religion, but I really didn't care.

There was a tense silence as we both stood there, observing each other with more caution than a pair of predator and prey.

"Everyone calls me Kris." The response must be automatic by now. Another pause, brief this time before, "I'm sorry," her voice seemed happy again. Just like it had been before I'd met her, and screwed everything up in a royal sense of the word. "Do I know you?"

It couldn't have hurt more if she'd ripped out my heart with her bare hands. Judging by the vaguely curious and more than apologetic look on her face, Kristina meant it. She had no idea who I was, no idea at all.

_Yes!_ My brain screamed. _Yes, you know me, I'm your boyfriend! _Obviously my brain and my mouth weren't on the same page, because what ended up ripping itself out of my mouth was, "No, we've… we've never met."

Kris didn't question this like I hoped she would. "Well, it's nice to err, almost meet you now. I've got to go to class now, PMS only works as an excuse so many times, but I'll… talk to you more later, Mystery Man," She smiled, and my stomach twisted uncomfortably. As she turned to leave, alarm bells went off in my head. No! I was not going to let her get away from me so quickly. I couldn't go back to only seeing her retreating figure, not just yet. Quickly, I whipped around my desk and strode to her side, gripping her arm tightly.

"Kris," I breathed, blue eyes intense. "I'll fix this, you hear?" My words were filled with a confidence I didn't have, and they carried the weight of a million broken promises. "I know that right now, this means nothing to you, that _I_ mean nothing to you, but I'll fix this. I'm the one who broke this to begin with, who broke us, but I'm going to fix it. If I've never meant anything I've said to you in the past, I mean this now. Things will be right again, someday. Things will be like before. Back when…" I couldn't finish the sentence, I couldn't make myself remember the time she was happy, and I was miserable. Oh how the roles had switched! "I'll fix this. I'll fix this."

Kristina was staring at me now too, but her eyes were wide with fear not earnest. The one girl I'd ever found it in myself to care for shrunk away from me, snatching her arm from my grasp.

"Listen," her voice was cautious and colored in mild disgust. "I don't know exactly what you think is going on here, but I'm pretty sure you've got the wrong girl. I don't know you, honest. There's nothing to _fix_ because I've never seen you before in my life. You're creeping me out, please stay away from me."

She spun around like a whip, hitting me in the face with her hair, and sped out of the room.

Holly had kept her promise: Kris didn't remember me at all. Yes, Holly had kept her promise, and I had broken mine.

* * *

My days spun past in an erratic blur. Classes were a trivial matter now, I had stopped attending. After all, there was nothing they could teach me. More important things lay before me now. Namely, Kristina Smith and what I would have to do to get her back. Surely there was some sort trigger; something I could say or do that would bring everything back. That's how it had worked with Butler and I. Would it work with Kris the same with Kris, who hadn't had any sort of mirrored protection from the mesmer or the mind wipe? It was worth a try.

I dialed up Butler eager for research, for something, _anything_ that would back up my theory.

He picked up on the second ring. "Artemis."

Ah, it was good to hear his voice again. Butler, at least, was a wholly uncomplicated being. How nice to have some reasonable conversation at last. He was certainly a marvelous break from the insanity and heartbreak floating around the school.

"Butler, do you still have the CD I gave Mulch before the Zito probe incident?" My voice was cool again my eyes sharp and alert once more.

"Of course Artemis, it's in the vault with the rest of the fairy artifacts."

"Excellent, send it over." I breathed, eyes glittering.

Things were finally turning around. If I could just review that tape, I might be able to find the key. I could fix everything. For once, the great criminal was going to play the role of the good guy. I would make Kris happy again; I would bring her back to me. What a change this was going to be for me, playing the hero. Just thinking about it unsettled me. It was almost like seeing a fish breathe out of water, or a dog walk on two legs. What would it feel like, to make a promise to someone my age and actually follow through on it? I'd lied to so many people at this school, lied through my teeth with no sense of shame or guilt. The only person at this school I'd only felt even remotely bad about lying to was Kris. Soon, I would be able to tell her everything. Soon, she could know the truth. Soon, she would be mine again. Soon, soon…

* * *

I'd taken up the habit of sitting a few tables away from Kris's little entourage at mealtimes. Granted, it wasn't exactly keeping my promise. That didn't matter anymore. I'd broken it once already, hadn't I? Besides, it was the only real way to get any sort of information. Just because I'd made Raleigh promise to take care of Kris while I couldn't didn't mean we were bosom buddies now. We were still barely civil with each other. As for the rest of them, well… if I was peanut butter, they certainly weren't jelly.

Jacob Douglass's voice drifted across the cafeteria, as loud, brash and annoying as usual. "Oy, Kris, whatcha doing for the holidays? My Ma wants to meet you."

As if Kris would spend her holidays with him!

"Well, Jake," Kris's voice was playfully sarcastic. "I was planning on finding myself a nice cardboard box for the holidays, hopefully surrounded by some nice Irish sheep, and just angst it out this Christmas."

The next few moments were lost over the chatter of the cafeteria and I leaned my chair back, trying to hear more without looking too conspicuous.

Kris was talking again. "I'm flattered you all want me here, really. But I'm going back to the States to see my family again."

Another moment of silence. I was leaning my chair back so far by now it was really a surprise I hadn't fallen yet.

"My mother doesn't want me to come back to Ireland," Kris continued. "And my father agrees. He thinks it's been detrimental to my overall psychological condition. And I-"

I didn't want to hear how that sentence ended, I didn't want to hear it at all. Hastily I slammed my chair forward again and left the cafeteria, not caring who saw my retreat.

I would let her go, for now. Because I had to. But this wasn't the way our story would end, of that much I was certain. Because I'd found a part of my life that I hadn't even noticed was missing when I'd figured out what Kris meant to me. Finally, I understood what made Father change his ways. He loved Mother, simple as that. I'd known this fact all my life, but until now I'd never really understood what it meant. Father was willing to do anything for Mother, even if it meant he had to lose something in return. That's what love was, and that what I was prepared to do now.

My life without Kristina around was like a black and white TV set, boring, outdated and shaded with grey. I was not going settle for boring and grey when I'd seen what life was like in Technicolor. There was no way I was going to settle for heartbroken and alone when for a few moments, no matter how brief, I had figured out what it was like to be truly whole. Like a terrier set on a rat, I was not going to give up. This was the last time I would let Kristina slip through my fingers. This was not how our story was supposed to end.

She didn't remember me. Well, I could change that. I had found my way around the mind wipe once, hadn't I? Granted, it wasn't nearly as simple this time around. As if that would stop me! Back in my dorm waited a CD I'd given to a certain Mulch Diggums years ago that would hopefully prove some of the answers I was looking for. This was not how our story was supposed to end.

Besides, I could use a good challenge! It would take a good challenge to get her off my mind. And she was always on my mind. I wanted her back like a raccoon wanted something shiny, I wanted her back more fiercely than I'd wanted anything in years. Hell, I _needed_ her back. No LEP mind wipe was going to stand in my way. This was not how our story was supposed to end.

She could leave. I would wait for her. Her parents could make her stay in the States for months. I was patient, I would bide my time well, I would wait. I would wait, and I would plan. Planning is what I exceeded at, after all. Kris may not be mine anymore, but someday, someday she would be.

This was not the way our story would end, not if Artemis Fowl had anything to say about it. Someday, she would be mine again. I would keep my promise, I would fix everything I'd messed up.

Kris could leave. I would mend my broken heart, I would plan, and I would wait for her. Someday, she would be mine again. Someday, things would be right. A tingle of anticipation danced its way down my spine. Things would work out in the end, it seemed to assure me. The spine never lied.

She would be mine.

* * *

As you can tell, there's a 99.999% chance of a sequel (which may or may not be called Bringing Back Technicolor). Hope you enjoyed it!


	25. A Place Called Home

**Memo:** THIS is the finale. This is it, There's A _Girl_ At St. Bartleby's is finally over. Four years my friends, four years! Thank you everyone for being incredibly patient with me. Especially undaunted scholar, my beta. She's pretty much wonderful. My fans are the best, most intelligent, most attractive, most enthuastic group of people on the face of the earth. There will be a sequel (Bringing Back Technicolor) check my homepage for updates.

Just a refresher:

melted=very tired

**Disclaimer: I do not, and never have, owned Artemis Fowl. Damn is that a shame.**

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The prospect of winter break loomed over my head like the blade of guillotine, holding my future in its sway. I could go home, take my mother up on her offer, and never come back. Then I'd never have to wake up at night in a cold sweat sure that Aster had escaped and come back to finish the job. No one would make me wear a skirt; hoards of boys wouldn't stare at me all day with ill-concealed lust and yearning. But if I lost that, I'd lose Finn and Jake. There would be no one asking me out every other day, or proposing to me every other Saturday. Alright, I wouldn't miss the proposing all that much. The playful, easy flirting I would miss. The nights planning pranks, being pranked, dying hair, using people as paper, the general sense of carefree naivety, that I would miss. I would miss my friends. I would miss Finn and Jake and Raleigh.

Raleigh, the boy who was currently snoring like a chainsaw in the bed next to me, hugging a well-loved teddy bear to him a death grip. Raleigh, the boy who had, just a mere three days ago, kissed me under the mistletoe. Raleigh, who kept shooting me resigned looks. Raleigh, who I absolutely could not figure out. Raleigh, the boy who may or may not be playing my heartstrings like a worn out musical instrument.

I had told him I needed time to think. Did I ever! Who wouldn't, after getting snogged (two months in Ireland and I was already talking like an Irish person. Boy was Shelby going to have fun with me when I came home.) by their roommate, and then finding out that said roommate had apparently been holding back sexual urges towards my person for awhile. Great. Didn't anyone care about _my_ feelings anymore? Didn't what _I_ wanted factor in to anyone's equation?

Raleigh's kiss had been amazing; that mind-numbing, spine-tingling, heart-flipping kind of amazing that didn't come around every day. But…he was my best friend. Somehow in between the fights and the pranks and the whole girlfriend fiasco, he had managed to become my best friend. If I liked that kiss too much, I'd end up hurting him. After all, I'd have to go home at some point. It wasn't like he was going to drop everything and follow me home. Sure, I was a romantic occasionally, but I'd never been _that_ hopeless. He had a life here. I had two lives, one here in Ireland, and one back in the States. Someday, I was going to have choose which life I wanted. Preferably it would end up being the life in which I didn't end up hurting everyone I knew.

So where did that leave me? My roommate loved me that much was blaringly obvious. And that kiss had been...spectacular, for lack of a better word. But something was missing. Some spark that should be there wasn't. For reasons unknown, something inside of me kept saying, 'girl, you've had better than this.' But I hadn't, and I knew that for sure. The only other boy to kiss me had been Brandon and he certainly had nothing on Raleigh. So why didn't it feel right? Why did it feel like by kissing Raleigh, I was breaking someone else's heart? I mean sure, there was Deidre and all, but I'm pretty sure she was out of the equation seeing as Raleigh had thrown away all their pictures together. Plus, Finn and Jake had seemed oddly victorious lately.

In two days, two short days, I'd be on a plane back to America to celebrate Christmas with my family. In just two short days, I'd have to figure the hardest thing out for myself. I'd have to figure out what I wanted, and exactly how much I wanted it.

I wanted to love him, I wanted to be loved and secure, and have someone to go to when my dreams became nightmares and my fears became reality. Of this much, I was positive. The second part Raleigh would provide. It was the first part, the part where I loved him, that scared me.

Loving people was dangerous. Handing over your heart to someone and trusting them to care for it always seemed foolish, naïve. Brandon had taught me that much. Loving people was blissfully wonderful. Finding out they loved you back was the best high in the world. Love and heartbreak draw a thin line between them, and I had toed it so often lately it was blurred and grey. There was only one thing left to do.

I flicked on the lamp between our beds and Raleigh groaned, shoving a pillow over his head.

"Raleigh?" I asked tentatively.

Raleigh, I'm scared. I think I might love you.

All I got in response was a weird, animalistic mix between a groan and a growl.

Oh, sexy. I should irritate him early in the morning more often.

"Raleigh," My voice was louder as I swung my legs out of bed and began to swing them idly.

Raleigh I don't want to hurt you.

No sex noises this time. Instead he settled on flipping me the bird. What a morning person.

"Listen, if you don't respond I'm going to have to turn on the TV, put in my favorite numb3rs episode, and start talking to Don instead." That ought to work; he hated it when I conversed with fictional TV characters as if they could hear me.

Raleigh I need to talk to you before I go insane.

Satisfied, I watched Raleigh prop himself up on his elbows and force his eyes open to glare at me.

"Whaddchuwann?" he slurred before yawning loudly.

"I want to talk to you," My reply was simple and honest.

My roommate muttered something along the lines of, 'No shit, Sherlock' as he rubbed his eyes. "What time is it?"

Repressing the strong urge to grin I chirped, "About 4:30."

If hadn't been so early he probably would've been killed me.

There was a definite homicidal edge to his voice when he replied. "You woke me up," he said in manner of forced calm. "At four fecking thirty in the morning to fecking _talk?_"

"No," I bit back sarcastically. "I woke you up at 4:30 in the morning to paint our nails and curl my hair. Yes, I want to talk to you."

Raleigh, please give me a good reason to come back. Raleigh, don't let me leave you.

Another growl. "Fecking _hell_ Kris," he complained. "This better be good, or I'm going to gee-bag you."

Seeing as every other sentence Raleigh uttered in the morning usually contained some sort of death threat, I didn't take him too seriously. At least he was talking to me, because I sure as hell needed to talk to him.

"You kissed me."

Raleigh I think I might love you.

Silence.

Time ticked on slowly, and neither of us moved. Raleigh stared at me unblinkingly and I stared back, refusing to lose this game of emotional chicken. He had kissed me there was nothing for me to be ashamed of. Minus the part where I had pretty much rejected him, pretty much broken his heart in half. My resolve wavered. Would this just hurt him even more? I was messed up enough for the both of us he didn't deserve to be hurt…

Luckily, Raleigh cracked first. "Mistletoe." He forced out stubbornly.

Raleigh I don't want to hurt you.

I shook my head, sliding off my bed to move towards him. I wanted the truth. He was keeping something from me, I could tell. "No, you wanted to. You said so. And I quote: 'I've sorta been dying to do that for a while now' end quote." Two could play the stubborn game.

"And you didn't want me to," his voice came back short and hard as he shifted himself away from me. "End of story. Good night."

As if! He was not getting to get off that easy, I needed to talk to him, dammit. Otherwise I'd be confused forever. Otherwise I might make the wrong choice.

Frustrated, I stamped my bare foot against the floor. "Stop doing that!" I resisted the urge to yell, it was 4:30 in the morning after all.

The mattress creaked as Raleigh rearranged himself again, facing me once more. "Stop doing what Kris?" he asked, clearly irritated.

"Making my decisions for me!" The words burst of me like gunfire and there was no taking them back. "Everyone keeps making decisions for me! My parents decided I wanted to go here, Jake decided I must need him more than anyone else, Ast-" I stopped myself mid-diatribe. He couldn't know about Aster, he shouldn't know about Aster. I'd already slipped up once. Quickly, I corrected myself. "Some freaks decided I must need self-esteem problems and an irrational fear of dark, closed-in spaces, my mother decided I must hate it here and want to come home, my father decided I must need years of therapy, you decided I must not want you kissing me! Stop it! Stop it, already! I am perfectly capable of making my own damn decisions!"

Well that certainly felt therapeutic. Chest heaving and eyes bright, I stared at him ferociously almost daring him to disagree.

Being grumpy must make Raleigh bold or something, because it didn't take him nearly as long to respond as usual. "And the point of that was…?"

"I'm not some pretty little Barbie doll every one can toss around and bend in to whatever pose they want. I've got my own mind, my own feelings, you can't know what I want from you." I said stubbornly defiant. "Did I ever once tell you I didn't want you kissing me? No! I told you I needed time, and I've had time, haven't I?"

Again a thick silence fell between us. Raleigh was holding his breath, and I my chest was still heaving slightly from my outburst.

The silence stretched, smothering me. "I liked kissing you Raleigh," I admitted, and somehow saying it out loud made it true, made it real. I had enjoyed kissing him, I had. Just because the spark had been missing didn't mean I hadn't liked it. More precisely, I liked Raleigh and all the things he made me feel. Raleigh made me feel at home, even when I wasn't. He made me happy he made me laugh. With Raleigh I knew exactly what I was getting: a friend, a friend who could love me in ways that normal friends couldn't. Raleigh could help make me whole again. He could glue me back together and stitch up my torn seams. Raleigh could love me. Raleigh could prove Aster wrong. "But…"

Oh god Raleigh, please don't let me mess this up. My mind kept wandering back to after our kiss, to the awkward stilted silence that had folded. He had something under his breath about a promise he'd made to a git. Raleigh generally tolerated his classmates and peers, who on Earth qualified as a git in his book? It nagged at the back of my logical mind, telling me over and over there was something I was missing. Something potentially important, and it tickled my curiosity.

"But?" Raleigh prompted tersely, more on edge than I'd ever heard him.

"Who's a git?" I asked at last, still very curious.

What sounded suspiciously like laughter bubbled out of Raleigh's mouth, "Of course that's what you'd ask first," he chuckled, voice subtly bitter. "This school is full of gits, Kris. Don't let it bother you, trust me it's not worth it."

Don't let it bother me. Right. Don't be bothered by the fact I could tell he was holding something back. Water under the bridge, wind through my hair. Live and let live. …Trust him. I could trust him. If this continued to move in the direction I thought it was, I needed to trust him. Trusting is what friends did, after all. Trusting is what soon-to-be-maybe-possibly-so-close-to-something-else-it-hurts friends did too.

"Kris," Raleigh begged. "I'm fucking melted, can we…err, carry on in the morning? When I'm sane?"

"You're never sane!" I bantered back playfully, trying to break the mood and distract myself from my thoughts. Any tension that had hovered between us vanished with a breeze. He would let me decide, he'd let me take the wheel and drive. Maybe he'd even let me stop and ask for directions, if I need them.

He snorted, throwing a pillow at my head. "Go to sleep, _a chumann,_ we'll talk in the morning."

Within minutes, Raleigh was out.

I curled myself up in my bed, eyes closed. My mind was too alert to sleep. Winter break still swirled through my thoughts, but now it didn't seem so daunting. Now at least I knew I couldn't leave Ireland behind completely. Not just yet, anyway. There were too many things I would miss. I would miss Finn, and Jake but most of all, I would miss Raleigh. I had realized, at long last, that I couldn't bring myself to leave him. Seattle had managed just fine without me for two months: it could manage six more without imploding.

That decision made, my thoughts returned again and again to Physics class and that peculiar boy, the familiar stranger. He certainly had seemed sincere, whoever he was, but part of me balked at the idea of talking to him again. Dangerous! My mind screamed at me. Stay away! He spoke to me as if we had a history, but claimed we'd never met. If we'd never met, what on Earth was there to fix? Everything about him unsettled me yet drew me closer. And those eyes… how could such a beautiful blue be so intense, and yet so desperately empty? The poor boy practically called out for me to fix him, despite all of his claims that he would fix 'us'. No, I couldn't fix him. It didn't matter that he seemed so familiar to me. How could I fix him when I could barely fix myself? Besides, he certainly appeared to have his own agenda. No, better keep my distance. Keep my distance and don't tell Raleigh. I didn't have to know who the boy was to automatically know that this was the type of boy Raleigh would willingly fillet and leave for the wolves. No boy deserved an angry Raleigh sent after them, even if they were slightly creepy. Better not to think about it, better to leave it be.

* * *

For the first time I could remember, Raleigh woke up before me. In fact, by the time I'd finally pried my eyelids open the lights were on and all three of my alarms were blaring. Fumbling around rather pathetically, I managed to hit one or two of them before Raleigh finally noticed me.

"Morning Sleeping Beauty," he said with a yawn as he struggled to straighten his tie. "You slept through all three of those damn alarms," Here he paused to throw my clock, phone, and iPod a dirty look over his shoulder. "You missed breakfast too."

Whimpering, I tried to motivate myself to move out of the fetal position I'd curled into in my sleep. "No coffee?" I whined.

Raleigh snickered at my pain. "What's wrong? You seemed awfully wake not, oh, five hours ago."

Since when was_ he_ a morning person? That little jerk probably drank my coffee. No wonder he was so chipper.

"Why didn't you wake me up? There's no time to get coffee now!" I said as I unfurled myself and began the war to remove the liberal pile of blankets keeping me toasty warm.

Raleigh's reply was awkward and quiet. "You…you haven't been getting much sleep lately, I just figured you needed it."

Oh, as if I needed reminding of that embarrassing detail. Ever since Holly had rescued me from Aster, I'd been having nightmares. Horrible nightmares in which no one ever found me there tied to that god-awful bed and Aster never stopped tormenting me. Everything would start off fine, but then the dream would shift and her cunningly dangerous face would appear. Needless to say, Raleigh had gotten quite used to me waking him up with my screams lately. Desperate to think of something else, my brain sidetracked itself. Something he had said last night clicked in the back of my mind, some word I'd never heard before.

"Hey Raleigh, what does _a chumann_ mean?" I asked.

Raleigh froze, suddenly nervous. "It's Gaelic." He said simply.

My curiosity peaked. What Gaelic saying could make him this nervous? Had he cussed at me or something? I thought I knew all the Irish swearwords by now. "What's it Gaelic _for?_" I prodded successfully detangling myself from the blankets and standing up.

Clearing his throat, the boy suddenly seemed to find his shoes very interesting as he bent down to tie them. Facing away from me, he mumbled something in the direction of the door.

"What was that?" I asked, scrunching up my face as if it would help me to hear.

With a sigh, Raleigh straightened up again. "Sweetheart," he said his voice clear this time. "_A chumann_ is Gaelic for my sweetheart."

Just like that, everything seemed to click in to place. He wasn't scared of me hurting him at all! The only fearful one in this equation was me. He called me his sweetheart. He loved me he loved me enough not to murder me for waking him up at 4:30 in the morning to talk. There wasn't anything for me to be scared about. We could do this. More specifically, I could do this.

Raleigh I might love you. Raleigh I won't hurt you, not in a million years.

It was about time I listened to my heart, really and truly listened. It begged for some damage control and tender loving care, it begged for attention and warmth. I had always been attached to Raleigh, even when I'd rather not be. How simple it would be to make the transition from best friend to boyfriend. How simple it would be to let him into my heart. After all, he already waited at its door. There was nothing to be scared of. Letting him in my heart didn't mean he would break it. Yes, I would eventually have to leave Ireland and go home. But that didn't mean I couldn't enjoy myself while I was here. I had had boyfriends in America, why couldn't I have one in Ireland? When I weighed the possible cons, me hurting him, him hurting me, with the possible pros, him loving me, me loving him, me finding something happy and stable and secure, and the pros won hands down. It was time to listen to my heart for once, find what I want and take it.

Decision made, a warm swooping feeling started in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't resist the urge to smile. I knew what I wanted now, more than , I was Raleigh's sweetheart. Aster was wrong. The warmth crept up through my gut, filling my stomach and chest and making my fingers tingle. It was as if someone had filled me with liquid sunshine. This could work out after all. Raleigh called me his sweetheart, and he was standing there patiently with glue and tape in his hands. He could help fix me he could love me back to life. And I could love him too, if given the time. The boy from Physics and his creepy, intense promises seemed long forgotten and unimportant now. Raleigh could love me back to life, if I gave him the chance.

No more Barbie doll passed from hand to hand. No more little puppet tugged around on iron strings. Take the plunge. Take charge. I had told him to wait. I had strung him along for the past four days. Take charge. Get the scissors and cut the strings, this puppet won't be jerked around anymore.

Still smiling like a lunatic and feeling incredibly warm, I practically skipped my way over to where Raleigh was standing. Standing on my tippy-toes, I turned him around, threw my arms around his neck and kissed him very firmly on the lips.

Raleigh let's make this work.

A little stunned, my roommate barely had time to wrap his arms around my waist before I drew back.

"Say it again," I demanded happily, enjoying the dubious look of barely contained excitement on his face. "Say that word again."

"_A chumann,_" Raleigh complied, leaning down to press his forehead to mine.

"Again," I whispered this time, caught in his hazel eyes.

Holly had hazel eyes. Raleigh and Holly, my two saviors with hazel eyes.

"_A chumann,_" he muttered, a smile capturing his wide mouth. "_A chumann._"

"Ag-" He covered my lips with his, soft and gentle as he had under the mistletoe. This was home.

* * *

"Toss me that sweater, won't you?" I asked, gesturing towards one of the many clothing items lying strewn on the floor.

Today was the day I left for the States and I'd wrangled Raleigh into helping me finish my packing, just one of the many exciting duties of the New Boyfriend.

He complied willingly from his assigned spot in the closet, flinging the sweater at my head. "I don't see why you can't stay another day," he sulked, eyes trained on the back of my head.

Smiling, I shook my head. "If I stay one more day, you'll just convince me to stay for the rest of break."

"Exactly," My boyfriend sounded smug. "Then I'll get to spend even more time with you."

"Raleigh, you live with me." I said pointedly, reaching over and stuffing an extra pair of pajamas in my already overstuffed bag. Boy were the baggage handlers going to love me…

"Immaterial," He insisted, stretching out to pass me the last of my shirts. "Besides, I lived with my friend before, not my girlfriend."

"I am coming back you know," I reminded him for my own benefit. Coming back, that sounded perfect. Why on Earth had I thought about leaving this place forever? Ireland was beautiful.

"In two weeks!" He protested. When he said it in that voice, two weeks sounded like an awfully long time. "Besides, I'd like some time alone with you before Finn and Jake come back and I have to tell my father."

We hadn't told his parents yet; Raleigh said it was too soon. He didn't want his mother to think I was some sort of rebound girl, and he didn't want to give his father time to meet with the school board and find a way to interfere with our relationship. This new, slightly overprotective side of him was rather endearing, in an annoying sort of way.

There were still things to discuss between us, still things I was certain he wasn't telling me. But that could wait. For now I felt perfectly content to sit in our room and exchange playful banter and gentle teases. The heavy subjects, the secrets, those could wait for later.

"You know, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder." I told him, struggling to make my suitcase close all the way. How had I managed to get closed on the way over? Oh right, Dad had done the actual packing of the bag part. He actually folded clothes, I tended to just toss them in.

"Well I will not be growing any fonder of Shaun What's-His-Face, can't you bring that poster with you? He stares at me while I sleep, I swear." Raleigh grumbled.

"DON Eppes is not going anywhere." I said firmly, finally managing to zip my suitcase shut.

"And if he isn't in perfect condition when I come back, I will just have to find more embarrassing things to write on you with pink Sharpie."

He shot me a dirty look before scooting his way over and kissing my cheek. "I'll miss you, you know. Immensely."

I smiled, laying my head on his shoulder, eyes closed. "I know, I'll miss you too."

* * *

My plane flew out of Dublin Airport at 3:20 PM. Raleigh and his father drove me there, and Raleigh had pulled me aside as his father checked my bags.

"You'll e-mail?" He'd asked, anxious.

I'd laughed, having already promised to do so once in our dorm, and twice in the car. "Of course I will." I had promised, teasing. "Fourth time's the charm right?"

Scowling, he had bumped me playfully. "Not funny. Hey listen when you get back, I'll take you to see Dublin, yeah? It's pretty in the winter, nice and wet. For our first date."

"It's a date," I had promised stealing a quick kiss while his father was still occupied.

"A date," he had repeated smiling wider than I had ever seen before hugging me close. "Take care, _a chumann._"

Now I sat in a plane letting the pilot of Aer Lingus whip me back to North America and back to my family, my home. Leaning back, I contented myself to watching Ireland's rolling hills and moors disappear beneath me as the airplane lifted off. I would be back. I'd made my choice. As of this year, I would have two homes: one in Seattle, and one in Ireland: two families, two homes, two lives. Feeling happier than I had in weeks, I closed my eyes and began counting down the days until Ireland would welcome me home again.

* * *

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